Interview With The Vampire Slayers
by Lost1n7heDark
Summary: An interactive interview with Buffy, Faith, and the others tagging along, answering questions from the readers. Read, review, and ask your own questions! Rated for language and themes.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys, thanks for waiting the two days so patiently, haha. Anyways, the interview thing's done, I hope you enjoy it. Please review, I do love feedback. And check out my other new one-shot, 'Payback'. **

**Just so we're clear, this is slightly based on 'Feeling Faithless' and its sequel, 'This Is Hell', so if you're reading this without reading those, you might not get some of it, but otherwise it's pretty straightforward, so read them, don't read them, just as long as you review if you do. **

**Anyways, my thanks to KittySquyres, ToryV, Just Me, and Tweak for asking questions and making this interview possible! **

**I'm considering continuing this, so if you want more, go ahead and tell me so and then ask them a question!  
**

**Enjoy and review.**

* * *

**An Interview With The Vampire Slayers**

_(Theme song)_

Me: Hey guys! I'm here with our two very own Chosen Slayers! How about you introduce yourselves?

F: Why? They all know who I am.

_(Buffy smacks Faith)_

F: Ow! What the hell was that for?

_(Buffy smiles brightly and waves)_

B: Hey! I'm Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It's so great to be here!

_(B glares at F)_

F: Oh, right. Um. I'm Faith.

Me: Fantastic! Alright, so Buffy, Faith, we have a handful of questions here from our readers who want to know more about you.

B: Do we get to pick and choose?

Me: Well I'm going to just pull random ones out of the review section, and you are both allowed to answer it however you want. Some are directed at one of you, and others are directed at both.

F: Sweet.

Me: Alright then! Let's get started. The first question is from...

_(drum roll)_

Me: KittySquyres! Alright, Buffy, this one's for you. She asks:

**"Buffy, what the heck were you thinking with James? I mean seriously. James vs. Faith. Faith so totally wins!"**

_(F nods approvingly)_

F: Girl's smart. Good question.

_(B looks a mixture of nervous and pouty)_

B: Well, simply put, it was a mistake. I was doing a Riley and trying to live on a normal lifestyle.

_(W calls out from backstage)_

W: Um, Buffy? That wasn't a Riley. That was a Parker with a cling.

_(F turns her head to glare at B)_

F: Who the fuck's Parker?!

_(B shoots W a glare and turns to smile sweetly at F)_

_(W ducks her head back in time for S to pop his head out)_

S: A bloody mortal one-night stand, if you can believe it.

_(F's eyebrows shoot up)_

F: Say fucking what?!

B: That...was a mistake, too.

F: Oh sure, **you** get to make mistakes and all is forgiven. But I make one teeny tiny screw up...

_(F continues to grumble, B pats her hand)_

Me: Okay, so that question was...thoroughly answered. Now Faith, KittySquyres also has a couple questions for you, too. She asks:

**"Girl, you got it bad. I can understand why you love Buffy, but at the same time, I have to ask, WHY on earth would you put up with all of that crap for so long? I also have to ask: Can I borrow your leathers?"**

B: HEY! I don't like that question.

F: Well, gotta please the fans, B.

_(B pouts and crosses her arms)_

B: It hints that you should leave me!

F: It also hints that she understands why I love ya, so shush and let me answer the question.

_(Pause)_

F: I guess the reasons all vary. If you want it in really short words, I just love B. Can't stop, even through all the shit. But to get deeper into it, well, I've done a lot of shit, you know? I've put B and all the Scoobs through a lot of pain and heartache, so there's always gonna be a part of me that says if they could hack it and still care for me now, then so can I. So they throw me shit, I'll deal. I'll be wicked pissed and be a bitch about it, but doesn't change that I'll love'm the same.

Audience: Awww!

_(B gives F a kiss)_

F: Oh, and about the leathers. Dawn's already got dibs on them, and I think Ken was after her. You'll have to sign the waiting list.

_(F winks)_

_(B calls out to rustling backstage)_

B: Dawn! You are **not** borrowing Faith's leathers!

D: But Buffy!

B: No! You are much too young-

D: I'm 23 years old!

B: Exactly my point.

F: Don't worry, Squirt. We'll figure something out.

D: Okay! Thanks, Faith!

_(D disappears quickly before B can glare)_

Me: Fabulous! KittySquyres, thank you for your questions! Next we have...

_(drum roll)_

Me: ToryV! Buffy, your question is:

**"Have you ever tried to get Faith to wear a dress and/or something wicked girly in general?"**

_(Snickers from behind the curtains)_

_(B smirks)_

_(F pales)_

B: Well...

F: THAT! Is...privileged information! Privileged and private! And...personal! The three...P's of...Personally Private Privileges...es...

_(Everyone stares at F)_

K: Stop there before you have another seizure.

B: Anyways, to answer your question, there was this one night when Faith was incredibly drunk and-

_(F clamps her hand over B's mouth)_

F: And-and...we had lots of hot steamy lesi-sex! End of story, next!

_(B pulls away)_

B: That didn't even answer the question!

F: You answer that question, and I'm holding out. For a week.

B: And I was a little tipsy, cause we just got home from a night at our favorite club, and-

F: Two weeks.

_(B pauses and thinks for a moment)_

B: So she was all stumbly and so was I, and then she was all, "B, let's fu-

F: One **whole** month.

_(B gapes)_

_(So does everybody else)_

B: You wouldn't.

F: Is that a bet?

B: You couldn't make it that far without jumping my bones.

F: So it's a bet.

_(F waves a hand around towards the audience before crossing her arms confidently)_

F: Go ahead, B. Tell'm. You just won't get any for a whole, **thirty one**, days.

_(B looks very uncertain)_

B: W-well...so you s-see...there was that night and...and...

X: C'mon, Buff! Get to the good stuff!

_(There is a loud, resonating slap sound)_

X: OW!

B: Okay fine! I won't tell!

_(B huffs and pouts)_

_(F grins triumphantly)_

Me: Alright, then. The questions for Faith from ToryV are:

**"If you ever get the chance, would you like to have a nice 'talk' with Jamesy-boy? And are you going to force Buffy to watch the Yank-Sox game on Thursday, or are you going to wuss out and TiVo it?"**

B: How come they ask you more than one question?

F: Cause they like me better, B. It's a charisma thing.

C: As in Carpenter? Cause that's one hot fox!

F: You only think so cause you look like her, Cor.

_(C scoffs while buffing her nails)_

C: No, **she** looks like **me**. Lucky girl.

F: Anyways, I don't feel the need to talk to him anymore. Or 'talk' to him. I think my three amigos took care of it for me.

B: Three muchachos, more like.

F: What's the difference?

B: No idea, it just sounds more masculine.

_(C waves her file in the air, looking indignant)_

C: Um, excuse me, lacking the masculinity over here!

AY: So is James. Now, that is.

_(K snorts)_

_(Everybody else's eyes widen)_

_(X cringes and crosses his legs tightly)_

F: Okay...and as for the Sox game, not only are my and Buffy's asses glued to the couch, so is everybody else's.

AY: Which is completely to be blamed on Spike and Kennedy for not being able to hold their liquor.

S: Bloody Slayer's got a never-ending pit set aside just for alcohol.

AG: Yet you had centuries to develop your ability to tip it back.

_(S snarls at AG)_

S: I didn't see **you** joining in!

AG: I didn't see the point in getting drunk **and** losing to Faith. She'd have a field day.

_(K grumbles)_

K: Which she is having anyway.

C: On Thursday, when we all have to sit and be uncomfortable and wrinkle our very nice clothes and taint our hands and figures with all food that is greasy.

_(F claps her hands)_

F: It's gonna be great!

K: Yea, until your dumbass team loses.

_(F jumps up from her seat and shakes her fist)_

F: You say that to my face, Ken, I promise you won't have one afterwards!

_(B gets her to sit down)_

Me: Um...before we all get into a rumble, let's continue on, shall we? The next questions are from...

_(drum roll)_

Me: Just Me! Alrighty, so Just Me wants to know, from the both of you:

**"What's your favorite TV show? What's the best thing about the other Slayer?"**

Me: Who'd like to go first?

B: Let's keep up the routine and I'll go first.

Me: Okay, go right ahead!

B: Well, my favorite TV show? I used to watch the Looney Tunes, and the silly old shows on Disney. Then remember that show, Popular? On WB? I used to love that show! But it was canceled, for some unknown reason, and now, when I have the time, I watch that cute teen drama, South of Nowhere. It's so ridiculously sweet. The girl, Spencer-

F: Reminds you of you.

B: And Ashley-

F: Reminds you of me.

B: And Glen-

_(Faith interrupts using quotation marks with her fingers)_

F: Reminds you of Xan-man. 'With a little more asshole in his system.'

B: And Aiden-

F: Reminds you of Soulboy. 'With a little less brooding and more shirtless-ness.'

B: And Chelsea-

F: 'Sorta' reminds you of Red, if you 'switch out the art and magic, less babble, and completely different skin tones.'

B: And Arthur-

F: Reminds you of G-man 'without the British. And younger.'

B: And Kyla-

F: 'Completely' reminds you of Squirt cause she's 'irritating as all hell but still really cute and you gotta love her.'

B: And Paula-

F: 'Kinda looks like Anya, but Anya's too unique for the show. And Spike's definitely not in there, either.'

B: And Madison-

F: Reminds everyone of the 'old' Queen C.

C: Hey!

W: You were kind of a bitch.

X: That's an understatement.

B: But she's much better in the later seasons.

K: What about me?

B: You're like-

F: Carmen, because you're 'both attractive and bitchy at the same time.'

K: I'll take that as a compliment.

Me: Wow, Faith, do you watch the show, too?

_(F brushes the comment away)_

F: No, didn't you notice the quotation finger marks that I did there? Buffy just likes to repeat her comments to me over and over again whenever the fucking repeats are on and it **drives me fucking crazy!**

B: It's a good show!

F: It's a wussy show. The chicks don't even get it on!

B: Yes they do! There are moments of on-ness!

F: They kiss. Big whoop.

B: There's some horizontal! In that one episode when Spencer remembers Ashley and her first time having sex, she gets a flashback-

F: Of them, fully clothed, just looking at each other. For 5 seconds. Whoo, that's racy.

Me: Oh. So what do **you** watch?

F: Well I used to revolve my life around Batman. He was the bomb. Cartoon Network and Adult Swim were my favs for a long time, still are. But as for the dramas or whatever, I'm starting to get into that one show, The L Word? Now **that's** a hot show.

D: Totally!

_(B gasps)_

B: Dawn Summers!

D: What?

B: You shouldn't be watching that show! There's sex involved! And nudity!

F: Which kinda comes with the sex.

_(D places her hands on her hips)_

D: Buffy, I'm over 21 years old, I'm not **that** lacking in social life! I've had sex before!

B: What's his name? Where does he live? What's his social security number?

_(I wave my hands frantically to quell the fight)_

Me: Moving on! Yes, okay, so Buffy, if you would please answer the second question?

_(B stops glaring at D)_

B: Right. What was it again?

Me: Just Me asked:

**"What's the best thing about the other Slayer?"**

Me: Which in this case, means Faith.

B: Oh! This is a hard one...

Me: Why so?

_(Before B or F can respond, K pipes up)_

K: Cause there isn't a best thing.

_(K laughs)_

_(F throws a stake at K's head)_

K: Ow!

F: You deserved it. Punk.

_(B cuts in to stop the quarrel before it happens)_

B: It's hard because there are so many things I love about Faith, and I can't just pinpoint it on one thing. I can dish out a several, though.

Me: By all means, spit it out!

B: I love everything about her, but I especially love her eyes and the way we can speak to each other through one glance.

_(They gaze at each other lovingly)_

_(K and D make gagging noises)_

B: Her lips are so full and perfect, the way she squeezes my hand when she knows I'm nervous, the warmth I feel when she puts her arms around me, the way she just seems to **complete** me.

Audience: Awww!

_(F smiles and gives B a passionate kiss)_

Me: Wow, that was just beautiful, Buffy, thank you! Faith?

F: I don't know how I'm gonna beat that.

_(F shuffles on her seat nervously)_

F: Um...

_(B takes her hand)_

B: No competition, Faith. Just be honest.

_(F lets out a breath)_

F: The smell of her hair. That adorable pout. The whole understanding bit that we do with just small movements. The way her eyes change color when the light hits at certain angles. Everything about her is the best thing in the world.

_(Awed silence)_

F: And that thing she does with her tongue? That's pretty fucking great, too-

_(B claps hand over F's mouth this time)_

B: Okaaay. Next!

Me: Thank you, Faith, that was lovely. The next questions are from...

_(drum roll)_

Me: Tweak! So Tweak asks 3 questions to both of you. The first question is:

**"If you HAD to change one thing about the other slayer, what would you change?"**

B: The whole inability to act like a female thing sometimes needs to be tweaked, Tweak. Hey! Play on words!

F: Her fucking miserable taste in men.

S: Hey!

AG: I second that. Hey!

F: Sorry. I meant **human** men. Living, breathing, with a pulse...

S: Better.

B: What? I've got wonderful...

_(B's voice trails off as everybody peeks out to glare at her)_

_(F scoffs)_

F: Riley? Beefstick. James? Dickwad. And this Parker character just sounds like another asshole to me.

W: Let's not forget Scott Hope.

X: Sleazebag.

F: Yea, but I gave him fake genital herpes. It all evens out.

_(S looks curious)_

S: How the bloody hell did you manage **that** one?

F: Well-

Me: Okay! Next question! Tweak asks:

**"On average, how many times daily do you two hear "Get a room!" from one of the Scoobies?"**

_(B and F look at each other)_

B & F: Never.

Me: Really? That can't be true.

_(F leans in conspiratorially and whispers to me)_

F: It really is. Watch and listen.

_(F kisses and gropes B)_

_(B moans loudly)_

Everyone: GET A ROOM!

_(They pull away, smiling)_

F: See? It's never just **one** of them.

Me: Well that's a great response! Well then, last question of the evening is:

**"What are your favorite bands?"**

B: Spice Girls!

_(Everyone stares and crickets can be heard)_

B: And...um...Backstreet Boys?

_(Crickets continue to chirp)_

B: FIne. Britney Spears.

_(F gets up quickly)_

F: That's it. It's over!

B: What?!

F: Geez, I really know how to pick'em, don't I? Spice Girls? Backstreet Boys?

_(Pause)_

F: Britney Spears?!

K: It's Buffy. What did you expect? She practically thinks pop culture was invented in 1980.

B: I do not! I listen to the Beatles. And Madonna. Oh! And Michael Jackson.

K: Again, I repeat, Buffy thinks pop culture was invented when **she** was born.

_(B huffs in indignance)_

B: Well what do **you** listen to?

F: Depends on the mood. I listen to just about everything, except most country.

AY: Even that godawful rap that Xander sometimes listens to?

F: Yea, sometimes. Oh and not so much with the pop. Unless it's got a techno vibe.

W: Techno?

F: Good club music, Red. And I'm always game for that.

S: Well they do ask what your favorite bands are.

F: Tool. Tool's great.

AY: I think Xander's tool is great, too.

_(Everyone is grossed out, and X flushes)_

AG: I might throw up.

D: There's only one toilet per gender backstage.

S: I call it first, mate.

F: I'm gonna ignore everything that was just said there and go on. Um, like I said, Tool's great for the metal style. Rap, I dig Eminem, he tells it how it is, even if he can sound like a complete homophobic asshole sometimes. If I'm going for really mellow, I'll put on some Jack Johnson or Maria Mena. If I want punk, you gotta go with the classic Sex Pistols or the Dead Kennedys. Like I said, it all depends on the mood.

W: And techno?

F: You still stuck on that?

W: Well I don't know much about techno. Who do you listen to?

F: Go check out t.A.T.u. Watch their music vids. You'd love'm, Red.

W: Really? Why?

F: Two words. Russian. Lesbians.

_(W runs off to find the nearest computer)_

_(X tries to follow, but gets a glower from AY)_

X: But honey, I wanted to see-I mean **hear** the Russian lesbian music...and their videos!

B: They're not actually lesbians. Apparently it was a management contract-y thing.

F: Yet they still kiss and make out and get lesbians hot all around the world.

_(X continues to whine)_

K: Maybe I should go check on Willow.

F: Yea. She just might dump you and try to find a Russian lesbian to court.

_(K runs off to find W)_

C: Lesbians.

_(C shakes her head and continues to fix her hair)_

F: Don't knock it til you try it, C!

C: Fine. I'll wait until you dump Buffy.

F: Why?

C: Cause you're the only female I'd knock.

_(C winks)_

_(F's eyes widen and her thoughts race)_

_(B panics)_

B: WHAT? There'll be **no** dumping here! No sir! Not if I can help it!

_(B points an accusing finger at C)_

B: YOU!

C: Yes?

B: You stay away from my girlfriend!

C: She's my girl friend, too, albeit not with the two words put together.

_(C smirks, she enjoys taunting B)_

C: For now.

B: Argh!

_(B and C get into a catfight)_

_(F gets even hotter just by watching them)_

_(So does X)_

_(AY continues to slap X)_

_(AG, S and D just watch in amusement)_

_(W and K are watching t.A.T.u. music videos somewhere in the distance)_

Me: Well that concludes our interview today! You've been a fantastic audience! You can leave your questions and comments in the review box! Thank you and have a great night!

_(Ending theme song)_


	2. Chapter 2

**This really is a lot of fun to write. Anyways, thanks for the reviews and the questions, please keep them coming! **

**Enjoy, review, and leave a question or two.**

* * *

Me: Welcome back to...

Everyone: Interview With The Vampire Slayers!

Me: Thank you all for watching, today, as expected, we have our very own two Chosen Slayers, who are here to answer some of our audience's questions. Now, shall we get started? For all of you kids out there who don't know who our two favorite Chosen Slayers are, let's begin with introductions!

_(B smiles brightly)_

B: Hey guys! I'm Buffy, the Vampire Slayer! And this is my girlfriend, Faith, who is also the Vampire Slayer.

_(F rolls her eyes)_

F: Who, apparently, can't introduce herself.

B: I was just trying to get the introductions all at once, Faith.

F: Really? I always thought you were the one who liked to do things in halves.

_(K throws in a yellow flag)_

_(C sips at her bottled spring water)_

C: Can we stop with the lesbian bitch fighting and get on with it? I have an appointment in two hours and I need to fix my hair.

AG: What appointment?

C: At the salon. To get my hair cut.

S: You **fix** your bloody hair to goget your hair cut?

C: Appearances **always** matters.

Me: Going on then! First question is from...

_(drum roll)_

Me: KittySquyres! Thank you for asking more questions! Buffy, she asks of you:

**"What are your thoughts on having kids? How many?"**

_(B tilts her head thoughtfully)_

B: Well, it's a nice possibility, to have a family. It's a big step, but someday, it'd be nice. As to how many, I think...two? Two's a nice number. I mean, my mom had two girls.

_(K snorts)_

K: And see how **well** that turned out?

AY: No. I certainly don't see it.

_(AY turns to X)_

AY: Do you?

X: Sarcasm, honey. You might want to learn how to pick up on that sometime.

D: Gee, thanks guys.

K: Anytime.

Me: Ah, look here! We have a question for Willow!

_(W peeks out)_

W: Really? We do? Yay me!

_(K kisses her cheek)_

K: Good job baby.

Me: KittySquyres asks:

**"You could come up with a spell to do that, surely. You with the mojo going on anyways?"**

_(W blushes red)_

W: Well I actually looked into that...

_(Everyone stares)_

X: You did?

W: Hey! It's not like it couldn't happen, considering all the freakish other things that happens every other day. So I looked into it and yea, it's...it's do-able. Just cast the spell, get jiggy with it, and bam! You're pregnant!

_(S throws up his hands)_

S: Wonderful. Lesbians can have children now. Soon they'll have no need for us men, and we'll all be gotten rid of.

AY: I wish I knew about that spell when I was still a vengeance demon.

_(Now everyone stares at her)_

_(AY is not guilty)_

AY: What? It could've been very useful!

_(G clears his throat and takes out a pen to take notes)_

G: Yes, well, Willow, that is quite fascinating. Could you explain in detail how exactly it works?

_(Everyone gapes)_

W: Giles!

F: You perv. I knew you had it in ya!

D: That was wrong. So wrong. You are **all** paying for my therapy.

_(G looks flustered)_

G: I didn't...that's not what I...oh...bollocks.

_(X pats him on the back knowingly)_

X: It's alright, I was hoping someone would ask.

_(AY, K and C smacks him)_

X: OW!

Me: Okaaay then. Next, Faith, this question is for you:

**"Hey, why don't you go back to school, and maybe do something other than slaying? I mean for a living. Slaying part time?"**

B: Hey! That's a really good idea! Why don't you do that?

G: Certainly worth giving thought, Faith. You are quite capable of receiving a GED and pursuing your studies at a college.

AG: You definitely have the potential.

_(F's eye twitches, and she looks cornered)_

F: Uh...

B: And now that you're an instructor at the school, you can use the money to pay for it!

G: Now that in all intents and purposes, I **am** the Council, tuition will hardly be an issue.

W: Oh my Goddess! Faith is going to go to school!

D: You'll be like...a Slaying scholar!

AG: It's a great opportunity.

X: Sweet, slick! You can finally say you're certifiably smarter than me!

_(Awkward pause)_

AY: Has anybody else realized that all the females seem to speak in exclamations?

X: I'm pretty sure my sentences ended in exclamation points, too, An.

AY: I rest my case.

_(Everyone continues to chatter)_

_(F finally explodes)_

F: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

_(Everyone shuts the fuck up)_

F: Listen, school? School's not really my dig.

Everyone: But-

_(F holds her hands up)_

F: **But**, I'll think about it. Might be a good idea, I don't know. We'll see.

Me: Great! I'm sure we'll all stick behind you, whatever your decision, Faith. Now, the next questions are from...

_(drum roll)_

Me: Tweak! Ah, thank you as well, for participating again! Tweak's questions are mainly for Faith, but there is a comment for Buffy:

**"Backstreet Boys? Seriously?...yech!"**

B: I was young! And impressionable!

D: And she had a major crush on Nick Carter.

_(C scoffs)_

C: Clearly, Buffy, Nsync was the way to go.

B: No way! Even BSB beat Nsync, and Nick was soooo much cuter than Justin.

_(C starts to look like a tea kettle)_

_(X notices the signs and runs for cover behind AY)_

F: Uh oh. B, you've done it now.

B: What?

X: She's got a thing for Justin.

AY: Who's Justin?

X: When we were dating, I had to listen to her go on and on about Justin.

K: Made you jealous, huh?

X: Pretty much.

AY: Well there's no point in getting jealous over **that**! Is that why you're hiding behind me? Because Cordelia's got some **thing** for this Justin character?

_(X pales)_

X: No, An, honey...that's not-

AY: Well I can get you a **thing**, too! Look! I have a **thing** for you!

_(AY snatches the pen from G's hand and hands it to X)_

AY: There! Now you have a thing from me. Are you done being jealous?

X: Uh...sure, An. Thanks for the pen.

_(AY glares at him)_

AY: It's a **thing**!

_(X hides behind D)_

X: Sure! A thing! Thanks for the thing, An!

_(F snorts)_

F: Well that's cleared up. What're the questions for me?

Me: Alrighty, Faith! Tweak asks a couple things. The first is:

**"You against Rambo. Who would win?"**

F: Pfft. Me.

S: You think so, do you?

F: Guy's got skills, but I could take him out easy.

X: He's got scary knives!

F: So do I, you all can testify to that.

W: I sure can.

_(F looks apologetic)_

_(W smiles in acceptance)_

X: Yea, but he's all macho, and big, and manly-

C: And everything that you're not.

AY: Obviously you've never slept with him before.

_(Everyone looks grossed out)_

D: I repeat, you all have a lot of therapy money to pay.

S: Anyways, how would you beat Rambo? If he's anything like the movie, then he's a bloody tough one to kill.

F: I have a secret weapon that can disable just about anyone. Then all I have to do is take'm out.

W: Really? What is it?

F: This.

_(F pretends to reach for something in her pocket, then instantly flashes everybody)_

_(Everybody is rendered useless, and they are gaping like dying fish)_

F: Oh come on. That wasn't even two seconds.

_(S shakes his head a little)_

S: No, maybe you should give us a longer dosage of your...secret weapon?

_(B grabs F's hands and keeps them still)_

B: No way! You all have seen way too much already!

K: Not that anybody here minded. Did **you** mind, Willow?

W: Me? Nope! No minding here at all! It was a really...really great tactic, Faith!

F: Thanks Red.

AG: Yea, it'll definitely come in handy in...fighting.

X: And sparring. Hey, Faith, you wanna spar sometime?

D: Want me to smack him for you, Anya?

AY: No, I completely understand where he's coming from. Faith, I believe since I am your honorary 'best friend', I should be given the privilege of sparring with you first.

B: NO!

_(B turns to F)_

B: No sparring with **anyone** but me!

_(F tries to look innocent)_

F: But B, what if someone wants to learn some of my moves? Can't teach'm if I don't get...**hands-on.**

_(F wiggles her eyebrows)_

C: Or hands **down**.

F: Think you could take me?

C: I can make up my own variation of your 'secret weapon'.

F: You're so going down.

_(C quirks an eyebrow and smirks)_

C: Is that an offer?

B: No, it's **not** an offer! Faith!

F: I can't help that I'm irresistible, B. Comes with the package. Take it or leave it.

S: Please, leave it...for the rest of us to take.

_(B scowls)_

B: I don't think so. She's all mine.

_(B wraps herself around F)_

_(F doesn't mind at all)_

Me: Um...right. Okay. Next question for Faith from Tweak is:

**"Have you ever sung before?"**

F: Yea, that one night after I blew up in the back of the club. You all remember?

Me: I believe it was Chapter 10, Feeling Faithless. You sang that one song by Paramore.

F: Conspiracy.

G: Beautifully sung, might I add.

C: I think you gave Lorne Major Depressive Disorder, though.

AG: It might've been Manic Depressive.

F: Not my fault you guys had a friggin' search party.

AG: Well...

F: Don't finish that, Soulboy. I'll pummel your head in.

Me: Well then, last question from Tweak:

**"Have you ever intentionally -- Buffy off just for fun when you were bored?"**

Me: Sorry to say, but if you leave a bad word in the review box, well...it shows up as little astericks. So we're going to have to improvise. I believe it's 'pissed'.

F: I probably shouldn't answer that question anyway.

B: Good response.

_(Long pause while F's eyes skirt around)_

_(F explodes)_

F: Yes!

_(F cracks up)_

B: FAITH!

_(B smacks F)_

F: Oh come on, B. Remember that one time at the club, when that cute chick was hitting on me?

K: The blonde one, right? I remember!

_(W glares, hands on her hips)_

W: I remember the 'blonde one's' friend trying to hit on **you**!

F: It was Xan-man's birthday party, and we were all out at the bar, and Buffy and I were in a fight anyway, so I wasn't really sitting all that close to her and I guess you could say I was kinda bored.

Me: What was the fight about?

F: She got mad because I was kind of rude to one of the parents.

G: I believe 'rude' is an understatement.

Me: What happened?

F: Well the lady was being all bitchy to one of **my** students, so I told her to come back when she was being more rational, but she went all, 'this is my child, don't tell me what to do with her' and well...

B: Faith went off and told her to 'take a chill pill, or stick it up your ass and get laid' before she ever came back to see her kid.

F: So B and Giles were mad, I argued with them about it, we were at the club later, cute chick was literally begging for me to buy her a drink, so I figured it'd be nice to make a few friends outside our little circle.

_(B crosses her arms and grumbles)_

B: Define **friends**.

F: Plus, I thought it'd be an interesting way to piss B off. Get her back for getting on my case.

_(B pouts)_

B: Oh, cause clearly that's the only way to get me back.

AY: Buffy, I'm trying to listen to Faith's amusing story of vengeance. Please shut up.

X: Uh...An, not a good idea to piss off a Slayer.

AY: It's okay, Xander, Buffy can't get me back because I wouldn't be upset if another female type tried to hit on her. Therefore, I am safe from her vengeance.

Me: So what happened?

F: I bought her some drinks, danced with her, she tried to kiss me, B broke the chick's nose, then we went home and had make-up sex. All in all it ended pretty well.

B: Yep. I'd say so.

K: Except Buffy still had to pay for the hospital bills.

AY: Really, Buffy, it's just like you to waste good money with your temper.

_(B looks indignant)_

B: **My** temper?

AY: See? Anger. Maybe you should participate in some anger management classes.

W: It wasn't really Buffy's fault, Anya. Jealousy kinda makes people wiggy.

AY: Like you?

W: What?

_(AY sighs impatiently)_

AY: Am I the only one who remembers you getting into a drunken brawl with the two girls who were trying to touch Kennedy?

F: Nope. I remember. That was fun.

B: You smashed a bottle of Bud Light on one of the girl's head!

_(F shrugs)_

F: It's not like she noticed. Besides, you're one to talk. You were doing the whole Tarzan yell and flinging chairs around!

B: I had a lot to drink!

K: Pfft. Lightweight.

B: Shut up.

K: Make me.

_(F holds B back, W holds K back)_

Me: Sooo. Next. We have questions from...

_(drum roll)_

Me: QuitersxNeverxWin! The question for Buffy is:

**"Hypothetically if Faith were to die again, do you think you would make another "James mistake?" Or would you immediately run to Willow and force her to bring her back? Because I'm really hoping it's the second one."**

F: Huh. You're not the only one hoping.

B: Of course I'd beg Willow to bring her back! Not that she's going to die anytime soon. Not if I can help it.

AY: Well then I guess we'll all see Faith when she's re-resurrected! I hope you aren't sent to a Hell dimension this time, Faith.

_(F laughs nervously)_

F: Why would I be re-resurrected, An? I'm still...you know, here.

AY: Buffy said you weren't going to die if she can help it, but most likely she can't, so you're probably going to die.

B: Thanks for the support, Anya, you're a great help.

AY: I do what I can.

S: The Slayer was being bloody sarcastic.

AY: Why would she do that? I provide all the much-needed sarcasm.

AG: More like the not-so-much-needed literalism.

Me: And for Faith, the question is:

**"If you had the chance to get Buffy to do anything you wanted, what would you make her do?"**

_(F smiles mischievously)_

F: Hmm. That's a good question.

S: I could give you a few suggestions.

B: Please don't. I'd rather not hear them.

X: I would!

_(The three muchachas smack X once again)_

W: I would've hoped you'd learn by now, Xander. Really.

X: Can I help that I'm a male? I am guided by my groin!

C: That can easily be fixed.

_(X's eyes widen, he hides behind AY again)_

_(AY, who didn't hear what C said, glares suspiciously)_

AY: Does Cordelia have a **thing** again?

X: What? No!

AY: Then why are you hiding behind me like you're scared?

K: Because Cordy just threatened to cut off his balls.

AY: What did he do?

C: He responded to a statement like a typical male.

AY: Oh.

_(AY steps aside to reveal X)_

AY: Go right ahead.

X: AN!

_(X runs)_

_(C follows casually)_

C: Oh Xaaaanndeerrrr!

_(X's voice is heard from a distance)_

X: BE GONE, SATAN!

_(AY is tilting her head thoughtfully)_

AY: I've always wondered how much castration hurts.

G & S & AG: A **lot**.

AY: Has it happened to you?

G: God forbid.

S: Hell no!

AG: Definitely not.

Me: Anyways, Faith? Are you done thinking?

F: Yea. First I thought I'd make her dress up in a school girl outfit, but I can save that for Halloween. Then I thought, striptease! But I could request that for my birthday. Really, all the sexy shit can be taken care of on my own.

B: Oh you're **that** sure, huh, Faith?

F: Pretty much, B.

_(B looks curious)_

B: So what **would** you make me do?

_(F grins)_

F: Hey An? If you go to the restroom, there's a dollar bill under the sink.

AY: Well why didn't you tell me earlier? I'll be right back!

_(AY runs to the restroom)_

_(F turns to B)_

F: I'd make you go up to Anya dressed like a big white fluffy bunny.

_(Everyone gasps and the world goes silent for a second)_

G: D-do y-you rea-realize the-the **catastrophe** that could cause?!

F: Nope, but I'll be there to catch it on video!

W: Let us all pray that you never get the chance to make Buffy do whatever you want.

F: Psh. You pray. I'll keep hoping it happens.

Me: Well that's frightening, and I'll be sure to run for cover when it happens. But for now, we're gonna have to see to our last question of the day. It's from...

_(drum roll)_

Me: Wikked Wolfie! Thanks for joining us! Alright, so this question's for **you**, Faith, and it is:

**"So, everybody knows that Cordy is one hot chick, WOULD you hit that?"**

G: Oh dear.

C: What an obviously bright person.

_(B scowls)_

F: Well honestly? Yea.

_(B pouts)_

F: But not now, cause I mean, I'm with B.

B: Are you saying that if you weren't with me, you'd be with Cordelia?

F: No! I'm not saying that, you didn't let me finish!

B: Well your logic is that if you're with me, you aren't with Cordelia, so if you're **not** with me, you're with Cordelia! Which means...

_(B continues to rant)_

_(At this time, AY returns)_

AY: Faith, you liar! There was no dollar bill under the sink!

F: Kinda busy trying to save my relationship here, An.

AY: Well, you lied. It was just a quarter. You must've mistaken it for a dollar.

F: Yea. I must've.

B: ...I can't even **believe** you would consider...

AY: Maybe you should get your eyes checked. Because a quarter and a dollar...they're really far from similar. In looks, anyway.

K: I really don't think she cares, Anya.

AY: Really? Why not? I'd be concerned if I mistook a quarter for a dollar. It would make for horrible accounting skills.

W: She's a little busy getting a lecture from Buffy.

_(W points over at F cringing away from a livid B)_

AY: Buffy does talk a lot, doesn't she?

B: ...so **how** could you just say that so casually?! I mean-

_(F holds her hands up)_

F: B! Buffy! Listen! I meant I would, because Cordy's a hot number for sure, but I wouldn't now, because I love **you**, and I want **you**, and **you're** all I need to keep me happy! Just **you**!

_(B is still pouting)_

B: Just me?

_(F smiles, dimples and all)_

F: Just you, you nut.

_(F leans in to kiss B)_

Audience: Aww!

Me: Well isn't that just so sweet?

C: Yea. Until she dumps her and comes to me.

B: **NO** DUMPING!!

_(B lunges at C)_

_(A catfight construes once again)_

F: I really **do** need a video camera!

Me: Leave your reviews and questions at the end! Thank you, and goodnight!

_(Ending theme song)_


	3. Chapter 3

**Wow, there were a lot of questions, so this took me a couple hours to write. Anyways, enjoy and review, please!**

* * *

_(Opening theme song)_

Me: Hey guys! And welcome back to our very own...

Everyone: Interview With The Vampire Slayers!

F: Do we really have to say that every time?

Me: Yes, yes you do.

K: Uh...why?

Me: Because I said so.

AY: You really should show me how that works. I wish people would do this just because I had a whim and said so.

_(F smirks)_

F: Doesn't that work with Xan-man anyway?

_(AY looks suspicious)_

AY: How would you know?

_(AY turns to X)_

AY: Do you do whatever Faith asks of you, just because she says so?

X: I...what?!

D: She meant that he does whatever **you** ask him to do.

AY: Oh. Well why didn't she just say that, then?

Me: Erm...going on! Since we're all familiar with our two Chosen Slayers, Buffy and Faith, we'll go ahead and start with the questions! First questions are from...

_(drum roll)_

Me: ToryV! Thank you for participating! Alright, so the question for Buffy is:

**"If you HAD to dust Angel or Spike, which one would you dust?"**

_(Everyone goes silent)_

S: I don't think I like this question very much, loves.

_(F smirks)_

F: Hear that, B? Vamp says he's in love with us.

_(AY pats S sympathetically)_

AY: I'm sorry, but I'm taken.

_(S rolls eyes)_

AG: I'm not too fond of the idea of being dusted at all.

_(C rolls her own eyes)_

C: Well it's a good thing two of your closest friends just **happen** to be vampire Slayers, hm? Yea. Tough luck.

_(B looks a little panicked)_

B: Do I really have to answer that? This is all optional, right?

K: Sure, Buffy, if you don't want all the fans out there getting their titchy little feelings hurt and all because you wouldn't answer their questions.

B: Kennedy, I'm sure we've gone over this already, but I **really** don't like you.

_(K turns to a frowning W)_

K: See, baby? Buffy and I actually have a common ground!

_(B grumbles)_

B: I'll smash your face into the common ground.

W: Um, Buffy? The question?

B: I really don't think that I want to answer that. Because I really don't know-

F: I'll give you the easy way out, B.

_(Whispering)_

F: Spike.

S: What?

_(AG looks relieved)_

AG: I **was** the first person to not give up on her. Ever.

S: Well it's not my bloody fault I didn't get a chance to guide you with redemption and all that. Besides, I saved your sodding arse with the whole Master deal in 'This Is Hell'!

F: Yea, but you sucked me of my blood; kinda lost cookie points for that.

AY: Is **that** what they're calling it these days?

_(S motions towards AG)_

S: So did that ponce!

AG: I wasn't myself!

_(S sneers)_

S: Oh, I'm sure you've used **that** excuse a lot, eh?

F: Take a joke and a chill pill, Spikey-boy. I wouldn't let B stake the either of you, if she had to or not. Whatever circumstance **that **is, it's gonna be kissing our asses in the end.

G: What a delightfully optimistic perspective, Faith.

F: Besides, B would never do that. Ever.

B: She's got a point there.

_(S and AG sigh in relief)_

B: Unless you somehow threatened or were about to kill Faith, in which then I would have to promptly and suitably destroy you.

S: Don't mess with the girl. Right.

AG: Gotcha.

B: Great! Then it's all set.

Me: Fantastic! Thank you, Buffy. The next question is actually for Spike, and it is:

"How do you feel about Billy Idol ripping off your look...Or is it the other way around?"

_(S grits his teeth)_

S: Bloody fucking ponce, it's definitely **him** stealing **my** look!

D: Yea, it's not his fault Billy caught sight of him in the local gay bar in his early years.

S: I resent that!

K: Why, cause it's true?

B: Oh he's **definitely** not gay.

_(F frowns at that)_

F: Alright Blondie version bleach. You just lost all your brownie points.

_(AY looks confused)_

AY: I thought it was cookie points.

X: It's metaphorically the same, An.

AY: Ugh. I hate metaphors.

C: Ugh would be the best way to describe **your** comment, Blondie version I-don't-know-how-to-dye-my-hair.

_(B's hands fly up to her hair)_

B: Hey!

S: And as for how I feel, I hate it when everyone I meet comes up to me and gives me the whole "Oh-my-God-it's-Billy-Idol" gibberish, in which most cases I just killed them. But now there's just a bunch of screaming boys and girlies out there who think Billy Idol's a vampire. I've given him a lot of bad media for that you know.

AG: He prides himself on it, actually.

S: Who says being a good vampire doesn't have its perks?

Me: Well thank you, Spike, for your response. Alright then next we-

_(Crewman comes over and whispers in my ear)_

Me: Wow! Alright, so there's been a huge influx of questions these evening! So we're gonna change it up a bit. We will have all the questions up for each character - if you have any - and then we'll go around answering all of them! Got it? Okay! So let's go ahead and put up all the questions for Buffy.

_(B whispers to F)_

B: How come **I** always have to go first and you get to end them?

_(F whispers back)_

F: Because people like to start vanilla, then end with a little kink.

_(F winks)_

Me: From QuitersxNeverxWin...

_(drum roll)_

**"Now that I know what Faith would make you do I was curious as to what you would make Faith do if you had the chance?"**

Me: From kool-aidrocks2008...

_(drum roll)_

**"Where would your dream wedding be?"**

Me: From Tweak...

_(drum roll)_

**"Did you watch that show Tru calling? Eliza Dushku's a real looker, aye?"**

_(F whistles)_

Me: From Heartbrake Angel...

_(drum roll)_

**"This is following the question from the last one if you could make Faith do anything what would it be?"**

Me: From shygirl926...

_(drum roll)_

**"What's the craziest thing you've ever done with Faith?"**

Me: Thank you all for asking your questions! Well, Buffy, looks like there's a good amount of questions to be answered, huh?

_(B quirks an eyebrow)_

B: Uh...yea.

Me: Yup, well two of those are very similar, but you could answer that in one. So, we'll start with that. Our audience wants to know, **what **would you make Faith do, if you could make her do **anything** at all?

B: There is one thing in this world that Faith wouldn't do, even if I used 'the pout' as a weapon against her.

F: And believe me, it's really hard to resist.

K: Kind of like Willow's 'resolve face'. You're really just not sure if you should run away screaming or pinch their cheeks.

_(F waggles her eyebrows)_

F: **Which** cheeks is the real question.

Me: Going on...

B: Right. So like I said, one thing. Well, two things, really, but I'd never ask her to get rid of her boots, anyway-

D: That'd be like asking Buffy to intentionally get rid of Mr. Gordo.

AY: Is that the ridiculous looking stuffed pig you used to cuddle with in bed? Honestly, Buffy, were you **that** lonesome as a teenager? I understand that you were probably sexually frustrated, but-

B: ANYWAYS, I'd make Faith drink less.

_(Everyone looks skeptical)_

S: That's it? That's all?

B: I told you, that's the one thing she **wont** do! Everything else is brought to pass or end by 'the pout'!

_(F shrugs meekly)_

F: It's a strong weapon?

_(K & S shakes their heads)_

S: Pathetic. Bloody pathetic.

F: Excuse me? You went and got a **soul** for her, and you didn't even get the girl!

S: Hey! Touchy subject!

AG: In comparison to the way you treat your hair?

S: I'll have you know that I've gotten this hair to the bloody perfection.

_(C gives dazzling smile to anyone who might pass by)_

C: Looks matter.

Me: Okaaay. Second question, which was:

**"Where would your dream wedding be?"**

B: Hey well I guess now that the laws are changed I can do that, huh? Hmm...I used to think I'd be having a typical white wedding, in a church, with all my family and friends-

_(F continues in singsong voice)_

F: With Riley...

_(D makes face)_

D: Oh gross. Never again.

B: I thought you liked Riley!

D: Sure I did. When he wasn't All-American Boy.

X: He never wasn't that.

D: Exactly.

AY: I'm pretty sure in some roundabout double negative human logic, she never liked him.

X: Yea, I think I just got that.

B: Maybe just a small gathering with my friends. As long as it's with Faith, it'll pass for dream-like.

Audience: Aww!

_(F smiles brightly)_

F: I know, I'm lucky, right?

Me: You very much are! Alrighty Buffy! Next question was:

**"Did you watch that show Tru Calling? Eliza Dushku's a real looker, aye?"**

F: Hells yea! Hot stuff!

K: Just cause you guys look similar-

F: Means we're hot. End of story.

C: She is really pretty. Maybe I'll call her up.

B: Nuh uh! You can't start chasing women that look like Faith, just because you can't have Faith!

_(C rolls her eyes)_

C: Jealous much?

X: Ignore her, Buffster. What's the response?

_(B calms down)_

B: Eliza Dushku definitely is attractive, very cutesy city-girl in the show, and we've got some similar qualities! With the hero-bit and saving people's lives...

X: Well except she actually helps dead people come back to life in a weird way. You just...kinda kill the dead. Again.

G: Being a Slayer is a very important calling, Xander, you know that.

W: Yea! It's like, like, an insurance policy for people!

D: An insurance policy?

W: You know, it's like, nobody really **wants** to be a vampire after they die, but they can't really help it, so you get a Slayer to help make sure once you die, you're really dead! With the dusting and poof tactic!

_(G cleans his glasses)_

G: Ah, yes, Willow. I believe that's a...very interesting method of looking at it.

Me: Um, okay. Last question for Buffy is:

**"What's the craziest thing you've ever done with Faith?"**

F: Well shit, if you really wanted to know about our sex lives, you just had to ask. Did you mean position, or place?

_(B smacks her)_

B: Faith!

_(F looks innocent)_

F: What, B? I was just asking for clarification! Besides, I don't ever remember doing anything much crazier than fucking in Giles' office with your favorite-

_(B, clearly mortified, lunges on F and clamps a hand on her mouth)_

B: Faith!

_(F's voice is muffled)_

_(G looks like he's going to pass out)_

G: I believe I may lose my lunch. And breakfast.

D: I'm sure we can find a therapist somewhere in Cleveland.

_(K gives B & F an impressed look)_

K: I'm actually pretty impressed.

_(W sighs)_

W: You would be.

_(X gulps)_

X: Will you, you know, tell us about it? And spare us **no** detail!

G: Oh dear God.

_(F smirks)_

F: He had nothing to do with it, G. Believe me. Though B was calling his name like she was never gonna make it past-

_(B slaps a hand over F's mouth again, eyes wide)_

B: Faith!

Me: Oh wow...that sounds kinda hot. But let's get moving, shall we?

S: Hey wait just a minute, I want to hear this story now.

_(AG hides a grin)_

AG: I won't object.

_(C sighs)_

C: You pervs.

K: Come on, Cordelia. I know you can't have something against the idea. I don't.

X: See? Everyone's altogether on this. Right Willow?

_(W turns bright red)_

W: I-I...um...w-well I just don't think...

_(D crosses her arms and shouts)_

D: Are you shitting me?

B: Dawn! Language!

_(D ignores B, and continues to yell at X)_

D: Xander Harris, you are such a male and I **definitely **do **not** need to be hearing about **my sister's** sex life! Now shut your mouth and don't even think about saying another word or you'll regret it!

_(X hides)_

_(AY nods impressively)_

AY: Well done, Dawn. Very 'female empowerment'.

_(D beams)_

D: Thanks, Anya! I had a lot of practice.

S: On what, your Ken dolls?

Me: Okay, so there's actually a question for Dawn, Willow, and Anya each! For Dawn, from Heartbrake Angel:

**"How does it fell to be treated like a baby by Buffy?"**

D: Like shit?

B: I don't treat you like a baby, I treat you like my little sister.

D: Where's the difference?

B: Dawn, I'm just trying to look after you the best that I can. I know it seems like I'm pressing on you but I just wanted you to have a good childhood-

D: Buffy, I'm not a child anymore! I appreciate your sister act, but that's what you are, Buffy! My **sister**, not Mom!

_(Everyone goes silent)_

C: Wow. Somber.

Everyone except B & D: Shush!

_(C whispers to K)_

C: Sorry, just trying to keep things level with the humor, since, you know, this is a **comedy** show/fanfic?

_(K whispers back)_

K: I get where you're coming from, but it's a pretty sensitive topic.

Me: You know what? Buffy? Dawn? Why don't you both go into one of the rooms down the hall and talk it out? There are some things that need to be settled, but I'm sure you don't want an audience for it.

_(D storms off)_

_(B looks very sad)_

B: Yes, that would be nice, thank you.

Me: No problem at all, I hope things settle for the best.

_(F squeezes B's hand and gives her a peck)_

F: It'll be okay, baby.

_(B heads off)_

Me: While that is going, why don't we take a short break?

_(Intermission theme song that sounds suspiciously like elevator music)_

Me: And we're back, with...

Everyone: Interview With The Vampire Slayers!

Me: Buffy and Dawn have come back to join us with happy smiles on their faces and their sisterly love restored. Now, we shall proceed to the questions for Anya and Willow. Interestingly enough, it seems that both are about Faith!

_(W looks a little nervous)_

_(AY seems unconcerned)_

_(B furrows her brows)_

B: About Faith? Why about Faith? And **what** about Faith?

F: I guess we'll see, B.

Me: Starting now, Xander, and before I ask the questions, you may want to have some duct tape ready if you don't want to blurt out something inappropriate, or risk drooling.

X: Oh gosh.

_(X looks around frantically)_

X: Duct tape? Anyone?

K: I found a stapler.

_(X backs away slowly)_

X: Uh...thanks, but no thanks, Ken. I can...I can do without the staples.

K: Then tough luck. No tape.

X: I guess I can just try to hold my tongue.

AY: What an absolutely ridiculous idea, Xander. Do you realize how utterly idiotic you would look?

Me: From Obsidian Twilight, the question for Anya is:

**"Since you and Faith are 'best friends', would you ever consider the two of you being something more than that?"**

_(X's mouth drops open)_

_(K & C snort)_

_(G walks off, muttering about waiting in the car)_

_(Security won't let him)_

_(S & AG look amused)_

_(W blushes)_

_(D sighs about therapy)_

_(F smirks)_

_(B massages her temple)_

B: Why was I expecting that?

AY: 'Something more'? How can you be more than something? 'Something' already implies that there's a **thing** - which I've already given to Xander, so that's shaky business - and besides, there can't be more than whatever it is. So I don't understand the question.

S: The people want to know if you would ever consider dating and shagging the bloody Slayer.

AY: Which one?

Everyone except B & F: Faith!

AY: Oh! Well why didn't they just say so?

Me: They did, you just took it...literally.

AY: Well I always do.

K: Just answer the question already!

AY: Fine. Then no, I've never considered dating Faith, because I'm already with Xander and Faith is with Buffy, and the rule of dating is that you're only supposed to be dating one person at a time.

_(Almost everyone looks a little disappointed with the response)_

_(But AY isn't done)_

AY: But of course I've considered having sex with her. I really don't know anybody who hasn't, and I've had several erotic fantasies in which me and Faith are in the process of sharing orgasms. They're all very nice.

_(X drools)_

_(K & C share an I-ate-the-canary smile)_

_(W flushes)_

_(AG coughs)_

_(G chokes)_

_(D groans)_

_(F tries not to smirk)_

_(B glares)_

_(S lifts an eyebrow)_

S: Leave it to the word literal ex-demon to spark the erotic ridden images.

AY: Well they asked.

Me: They certainly did. Thank you, Anya, for your very honest answer. The next is for Willow. Willow, shygirl926 wants to know:

**"Would you hook up with Faith?"**

_(B grits her teeth)_

_(W's face is redder than her hair)_

_(K bursts out laughing)_

_(C is doubled over)_

_(S grins)_

_(G searches for earplugs)_

_(D helps)_

_(AG tries not to smile)_

_(F's eyes widen)_

_(There is are beginnings of a puddle at X's feet)_

_(AY is trying to figure out how to steal the dollar bill stuck to the janitor's shoe)_

Me: Well, Willow?

_(W squeaks)_

W: D-do I...I don't...this is a bad idea...

K: Oh, you **have** to answer this.

S: And honestly. True to your choice of God.

K: Dess. Choice of Goddess.

_(W looks nervously towards B)_

S: Ey, no looking at the bloody Slayer. She can't hurt you for telling the truth!

Me: That's right, Willow, although we allow catfights to occur, we don't condone actual injuries to be given or received.

X: But what about-

Me: You don't count.

X: But-

Me: Please continue with your response, Willow.

W: W-well...I um...since I have to be honest here, with the whole telling the truth theme we have going, I guess I'll just spit it out and then it'll be over with. Not that I want the show to be over, but the question and the answer part of it, as in **my** question and answer part of it. But I guess the question's already asked, so I suppose I should be getting on with the answer right about-

Everyone: Now, Willow. Now!

_(W squeals)_

W: Yes!

_(Everyone gapes)_

_(Even F)_

_(Except AY, who happily fondles her new dollar bill)_

F: You would? **Me**? You'd **hook up** with me?

_(W looks guilty)_

W: Well yea, I mean, Anya already told everyone that everyone she knows has thought about stuff with you, so it really shouldn't be a surprise. But I wouldn't hook up with you now, now, because, duh! I'm in love with Kennedy and you're in love with Buffy! And it's all on a purely physical sense, not that I don't like you on a emotional or spiritual sense, Faith, just that sometimes you kinda scare me, but I don't mean that in a bad way at all, but I know that Buffy and you are like, perfect for each other and I think she can truly fit you the best and-and-

_(K stops her with a breathtaking kiss)_

_(F catcalls)_

_(B can't help but smile)_

_(K pulls away)_

K: I had to stop you before you passed out on the floor and into Xander's puddle of drool.

W: How chivalrous of you.

C: And yet, so not.

K: You keep out of it.

C: The puddle? Gladly.

Me: Thank you for your honest response, Willow, and thank you Kennedy for saving her before she died from lack of breath. Next! All the questions for Faith! Shall we list them all?

Audience: Yes!

Me: Alright! Xander, grab a mop! From ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"If you had to choose between never having sex again or chopping off your left foot, which would you choose?"**

_(F cringes visibly)_

_(So does X)_

Me: And also from ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"Whats the weirdest thing you have ever gotten Buffy to say/scream in the sack?" **

_(F grins)_

_(B turns red)_

Me: From QuitersxNeverxWin...

_(drum roll)_

**"Anya, Giles, and Willow. Who would you kiss, who would you kill, and who would you fuck?"**

_(G takes off his glasses to clean again)_

_(AY smiles brightly, waving her dollar bill towards F)_

_(W flushes again)_

Me: From kool-aidrocks2008...

_(drum roll)_

**"What's your middle name?"**

_(B looks relieved)_

Me: From Tweak...

_(drum roll)_

**"What is one thing that Buffy does that annoys you to no end?"**

_(Now B pouts)_

Me: From Obsidian Twilight...

_(drum roll)_

**"You and Cordelia together would be so hot... Of course, she's just your friend, right?"**

_(C smirks)_

_(B scowls)_

Me: From Heartbrake Angel...

_(drum roll)_

**"Before you met everyone what relationships were you in or was it just get some get gone?"**

Me: From shygirl926...

_(drum roll)_

**"If you had to have sex with any guy from the group, who would it be?"**

_(All males except G perk up)_

Me: And that's it!

_(B crosses arms angrily)_

B: WHY, pray tell, do all these people want to know about **you** and **sex**?!

_(F is sheepish)_

F: I can't really tell ya, B. I really don't know...

C: Because she oozes sex from her pores and could easily turn any straight female gay and any gay male straight?

S: Nicely put.

C: I know.

F: Besides, there's one about you and sex, too.

B: Uh yea. One that I **don't** want you to answer!

_(K laughs)_

K: Someone's in trouble.

B: Shut up before I cut your tongue off!

_(K shuts up)_

F: Good threat, B.

B: Threaten a lesbian to take out her tongue and she won't give you too much trouble.

Me: Well not to cut your conversation off, but Faith, please answer the first question:

**"If you had to choose between never having sex again or chopping off your left foot, which would you choose?"**

_(F cringes again)_

X: Oh mercy on our souls!

F: Yeeeaaa...not too fond of this one.

AY: It's really easy once you have the question of whether or not masturbation is considered sex or not is answered.

C: I think masturbation is excluded.

AY: Well then that makes it harder.

F: It's a toughie.

AY: Of course. The only issue of not having a left foot is not being able to walk properly, but then you have walkers, fake feet, wheelchairs, all sorts of transportable devices. And the only issue of not having sex again is that you get no orgasms, which is tragic, but if you're allowed to masturbate, you can still orgasm. It's not as much fun, but that's that.

_(AY thinks for a moment)_

AY: Of course, if you're not allowed to masturbate, then the best choice would be to chop off your left foot. Though I really don't see the point of being specific about feet. It's either one or the other.

F: Thanks An. You made um...a good point, I guess.

AY: You're welcome.

F: I guess if I get to masturbate, I'd had to give up sex.

_(Everyone gasps and stares)_

F: What?

D: You're not just **a** sex fiend; you're **the** sex fiend!

W: You crave it like girls crave chocolate!

AG: And you get really cranky when you don't get it.

F: Yea, but I can't go without Slaying either, and even if I could move without a left foot doesn't mean I can jump around and kick undead ass.

K: Ooh. Good point.

B: And very unselfish of you.

_(B kisses her)_

F: Thanks. I thought so. Hope that choice never comes up though.

_(F shudders)_

Me: For your sake, we all hope. Now, the next question was:

**"Whats the weirdest thing you have ever gotten Buffy to say/scream in the sack?"**

_(B jumps up and searches for something)_

F: Uh B? Whatcha looking for?

B: There's gotta be a skip button somewhere!

Me: Nope, no skips, I'm afraid. Faith has to respond, though she doesn't have to literally answer the question.

_(B looks relieved and sits down)_

B: Oh good.

F: Who says I'm not gonna literally answer the question?

B: Um...me. Duh.

F: Pfft. Oh I'll answer.

B: No, you won't.

F: Watch me.

_(F smiles, dimples and all)_

F: So this was actually during the whole deal in Giles' office. It was late, they were out on some field trip with the girls, me and B were looking for one of the girls' files in G-man's office, and-

B: Don't you dare.

F: -we'd just gotten home from a really busy patrol. And even though we'd taken our showers and we were in night clothes, I was hot. That's a double entendre. In case some of you-

B: Faith...

F: -didn't get it. But Buffy was all responsible-gal so I had to help her look, but it's a little uncomfortable when you've got a big strap-on dil-

B: FAITH!

F: What?! I'm trying to tell the story here!

B: If you say anymore about that night, **I** will be the one holding out for a month. And I'll abuse 'the pout' every turn I get so that you'll have to wash dishes and do the laundry.

_(F whines)_

F: But Beeeeeee...

B: No buts.

_(F sighs and pouts)_

F: Oh fine.

_(B smiles)_

B: Good.

Me: Well, since I'm sure most of us can just use our imagination for the rest of that, I suppose we'll move on to the next question, which was:

**"Anya, Giles, and Willow. Who would you kiss, who would you kill, and who would you fuck?"**

F: How the hell did they get from kiss, to kill, to fuck?

Me: I'm the wrong person to ask.

G: I'll volunteer to be killed. Active immediately.

F: Oh come on, G. I know you've probably thought about having a roll in the sack with me.

_(F winks)_

_(G reddens)_

F: Yea, that's what I thought. But since I only got one choice for each, I guess I'd kiss Red, kill G-man, and I'd definitely fuck Anya.

AY: The girl has remarkable taste.

B: She **tastes** pretty remarkable, too.

_(Everyone gapes)_

_(Especially F)_

_(D runs screaming)_

D: THERAPY! THERAPEEEEE!

F: Damn B! Didn't know you had it in ya!

AG: I'm betting it's the jealousy speaking. Making you bolder in your statements.

K: What are you, a shrink?

AY: No, silly girl, he's a vampire.

Me: Alrighty, so the next one for Faith is:

**"What's your middle name?"**

B: Finally, a normal question.

S: Well, considering all the other bloody questions, this one's a mite abnormal.

B: As long as it has nothing to do with sex, it's fine by me.

_(C scoffs)_

C: Sex **is** her middle name.

AY: What?! What were your parents on, drugs?!

_(F shrugs)_

F: Yea, probably. Don't know about Dad, but Mom was big on snorting coke.

Me: Uh...the question?

F: Right. Would it surprise you if I told you that I don't have a middle name?

X: Really? That's kinda weird.

AY: But you just said that Sex was your middle name!

S: It's a bloody expression, Anya, an expression! You've been living with humans for years now; **pick up on the damn expressions**!

_(AY grumbles)_

F: The rents kinda forgot about that part. Not that I even need my last name.

B: I like your last name.

F: Eh. Lost1n7heDark personally believes that I lost some of my mystery when my last name was revealed. And when my history was all written out. It made me all the more dangerous when you only got bits and pieces.

Me: Because it's **true**. But ah well, can't change what's past. So, next question. It is:

**"What is one thing that Buffy does that annoys you to no end?"**

_(B frowns)_

B: I think these people are biased against me. Do you get that?

D: I think they all want to see me ruined, that's what I think.

S: Surprise, surprise. The Summers' women are all victims of the cruel, cruel, suburban lifestyle of middle-class America. Whatever shall they sodding do?

B: Hey!

D: Yea, hey!

Me: Hey hey hey! That's a good line. I'm gonna have to use it sometime.

S: Thank you. I used to be in theatre.

AG: That explains everything.

S: What's that supposed to mean?

_(C & K & AY glance at each other before glancing at him)_

C & K & AY: You're gay.

_(S growls)_

S: I am **not** gay. If I'm gay, then so is Angel.

_(AG looks startled)_

AG: What?

C: Yea, I guess I can see that, too.

K: Same here.

AY: There **has** always been that unresolved sexual tension between the two of you. Kind of like Buffy and Faith except vampiresque.

Me: Uh...well...okay then...

AY: You didn't get that?

Me: So far they seemed pretty straight to me.

C: Yea, but look at Buffy. She's straight girl poster child.

K: And Faith's been through her half-the-world's share of manmeat.

AY: Which is perfectly acceptable in a slutty, whorish kind of way.

_(I look hopefully towards F)_

Me: Um...Faith? Please answer the question before I hear any more.

F: I guess her whole self-righteous act is the most annoying thing. Does that annoy anybody else?

Audience: Yes.

S: Bloody yes. To a T.

AG: Maybe a little.

K: It never fails to piss me off.

D: Um **duh**.

C: **Don't.** Get me started.

AY: Well isn't that what Buffy's best at?

_(B & X & W & G blink)_

_(W turns to X)_

W: Did you ever realize...?

X: No, not at all. Maybe we just missed it?

W: For all those years?

G: It is possible that we might have...

B: Can we **please** not talk about it like I'm not right here?

W: Sorry Buffy.

X: Yea, sorry Buffster.

G: Dreadfully sorry about that.

_(Everyone else in singsong)_

Everyone else: Whiiiippped!

Me: Alrighty! So the next question was:

**"You and Cordelia together would be so hot... Of course, she's just your friend, right?"**

F: Yea, of course.

B: Though if **this** keeps up, your 'friend' is gonna go missing.

C: Don't you threaten me, missy. I'll shove my Jimmy Choo shoes up your ass so far, you'll be seeing stars!

_(B jumps out her seat and scowls)_

B: How 'bout I shove this stake up your ass, then what, you skank?

C: What?

B: What?

C: What!

B: What!

X: Huh?

_(F pulls B back)_

F: Yea, guys, sorry to burst your bubble, but there ain't **no** way you girlies are black enough to scream 'what' at each other like that.

C: Excuse me, Faith, but I'll have you know that...one of my co-workers is an African American.

B: And I worked under one. **Not** literally.

F: Yea, and I slept with both. So what? That still don't make you anywhere near black.

AG: You slept with Gunn?!

F: Well...yea. Sorry 'bout the vase, by the way.

AG: That was **you** two? How in the world-actually no, please don't answer that.

F: Okay. Sorry. Kinda.

Me: Well that was...good. Great. Second to last question for today was:

**"Before you met everyone what relationships were you in or was it just get some get gone?"**

_(F takes moment to think)_

F: Let's see, what was it that I'd said? Oh yea it was, "Ronnie, deadbeat. Steve, klepto. Kenny, drummer. Eventually, I just had to face up to my destiny as a loser magnet. Now it's strictly get some, get gone. You can't trust guys."

B: I remember you telling me.

F: It was always like that until B. Then it was get some, get more, get all.

B: Then cuddle.

F: Yea.

_(Pause)_

F: Took me a while to get used to that.

Me: Alright, last question of the evening! It is:

**"If you had to have sex with any guy from the group, who would it be?"**

B: These people are all sex fiends!

K: Or just trying to mess around with **you**.

Audience: Probably.

_(B pouts)_

B: Well I don't appreciate it.

S: Don't let that stop you from answering the question, pet. Us 'guys' are still waiting.

_(Mostly S & X look anxious)_

F: Uh...well, I already kinda slept with Xander. Sorry man, I don't do seconds with guys and besides, I don't want Anya on my ass.

_(X's face falls)_

AY: You don't? I hear it's a pleasurable experience.

_(Everyone stares)_

_(X flushes)_

F: Don't wanna know. And G-man, you're hot for your age but you got that whole father-figure thing going on, so you know you're out.

G: Thank goodness. I don't think my stomach could've handled anymore shock.

F: So the choice is down to Soulboy and Bleach Boy. It'd be a tougher decision if that whole curse thing wasn't in the way, and I'm not looking forward to you being all blood-happy again, so I guess you're left, Blondie.

_(S smirks)_

S: I knew it!

_(AG looks miffed)_

AG: What if my soul **were **anchored?

_(F grins)_

F: Then I'd have to ask B to tell me which one of you is better at fucking.

_(S whoops and laughs at AG)_

S: That **still** means it'd be me, Angel!

AG: Does not.

S: Does too.

AG: Does not.

S: Does too.

AG & S: Buffy! Tell him I'm better at sex than **he** is!

B: Oh my God. Faith, why did you have to thrust me into this?

F: Cause I love to thrust you into things. Especially me.

_(D in the distance)_

D: THERAPEEE!

Me: Thank you for being with us today, please leave your reviews and questions! Until next time folks, thank you again, and goodnight!

_(Ending theme song)_


	4. Chapter 4

**Holy crap, you guys ask a lot of questions. **

**Since it's kind of hard to keep updates frequent when there's a lot to write, I'm gonna have to ask you guys to ask a MAX of 3 questions. Cause...this episode/chapter alone is a little over 10,000 words. But I had fun, of course, writing it. The ending's a bit rushed, because I was on a bit of a deadline. **

**So like I said, 3 questions MAX. I'm really glad this is so popular, though, thanks for all your wonderful support! I'm sorry it took a couple days to get this one up. **

**Enjoy and review and leave questions!**

* * *

_(Opening theme song)_

Me: Hey folks! Welcome back and thanks for joining here for an...

Everyone: Interview With The Vampire Slayers!

W: Where you see the best and worst in all of us-

K: Learn a lot about Faith's sex life-

D: Gather all the necessary reasons to receive therapy-

X: Get your daily dosage of Buffy and Cordelia catfights-

AY: And watch Xander drool.

Me: I guess that's really all of it. Well then, it seems like there's a **lot** of questions for today's episode of the show. And a good amount of them are for those of you that aren't Buffy and Faith.

F: I don't suppose that means me and B could skip out, huh?

Me: Sorry. You still have questions to be answered.

_(F sighs)_

F: Fine.

Me: Okay, so we'll go ahead and start with Buffy, like we always do.

B: And why is that, exactly?

F: I explained it last time, baby. Remember?

_(B rolls eyes)_

B: You made some not-so-vague reference to sex, yes, but no explanation.

S: And yet, it will still go on as bloody planned.

_(B rolls eyes again)_

Me: Sorry, Buffy. It just makes more sense that way, in some weird way. Alright, since there's so many, we better get started! The list of the questions for Buffy please!

_(Crewman hands over list)_

Me: Thanks! Okay. From Heartbrake Angel...

_(drum roll)_

**"Have you ever thought of dying your hair (again) but darker?"**

_(B subconsciously brushes through her hair)_

C: You really should. It'd be an improvement.

_(B scowls)_

Me: From Wikked Wolfie...

_(drum roll)_

**"So...how's Faith's tongue?"**

_(F chokes)_

_(B blushes)_

_(X whoops)_

_(D smacks X)_

X: OW! Dawnie!

D: Perv.

Me: From QuitersxNeverxWin...

_(drum roll)_

**"So have you ever thought of getting a tattoo? If so, what and where?"**

Me: A comment from FallenSoldier15...

_(drum roll)_

**"You are a great woman but please leave Dawn alone. She's not 5 anymore she's 23. She can take care of herself and if she was in trouble she has the gang for help."**

_(D jumps up excitedly, pointing at the screen)_

D: See Buffy? That's what I'm saying! You see?! **See**?!

AY: She has eyes, Dawn, and by the direction she looking towards, I'm sure Buffy can see it just fine.

_(B ignores them)_

Me: And lastly, from She's Hearing Voices...

_(drum roll)_

**"Do blondes really have more fun?"**

B: That's not too many.

Me: There are a couple more for both you **and** Faith, which is going to be saved for the very end of the program.

B: Oh.

F: See? Vanilla to kink to perfection.

_(B is sarcastic)_

B: Oh yea. I definitely see it.

AY: There you go, Dawn. Buffy's eyes **do** work.

X: Why so cranky, Buffster? Wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?

_(AY gives X a strange look)_

AY: There's a right and wrong side to Buffy and Faith's bed?

X: Uh...no, An. It's...It's just an expr-

_(AY turns to B & F)_

AY: How do you know which side's wrong? Or right? Because if waking up on the wrong side means being cranky, like Buffy is today, does that mean Faith woke up on the right side and therefore not cranky? But that wouldn't make sense because then they'd alternate being cranky and not cranky, but that can't be true. I've seen them when they're both cranky, and it certainly isn't a pretty sight. I mean it can be very amusing, sometimes you have to watch and wait for it to get good; I'm expecting eye-gauging and hair-pulling sometime during their next few fights.

_(Everyone stares at her)_

F: An, you really are strange.

AY: You know, I've heard that a lot, but I just don't see where anyone could've gotten that idea from.

Me: Well I guess we can't really fight that logic. So Buffy, let's go ahead and answer the first question, which was:

**"Have you ever thought of dying your hair (again) but darker?"**

B: Hmm. As you mentioned, my hair **was** darker for a couple years when I was younger. Kind of a light red/brown-

C: Okay, so that was the **only** time I thought the blonde looked better.

_(B glares but continues)_

B: -but even darker than that? I don't know. I can't say I put too much thought into looks nowadays.

C: Oh it's evident.

_(AG glances at C)_

AG: What's up with you today? You're not usually this-

B: Bitchy? You **did** miss the high school years of her life, Angel.

_(C ignores B and turns to AG)_

C: I know. I just love messing around with her. Play down the ego trip she's always having.

F: I think it'd look hot.

C: The ego trip?

F: Nah, the hair. Dark brown.

B: We'll see. And Cordy, I seem to remember someone else who was all about the power trips.

_(B looks pointedly at C)_

_(C waves it off)_

C: I meant after high school. Besides, I still looked **good**. Oh, **and** I knew when to stop. You usually need a ramming from a Mack truck to get it.

AY: Was that still back in the high school years? Because I don't remember ever having to hire Mack truck to ram into her small and fragile body. That wouldn't be reasonable at all. You'd have a dead Slayer, and a lot less money than you originally had.

B: Equal footing with money; that's me.

W: That's not true, Buff-

AY: Of course it's not. I have Slayers at my beck and call, but I actually have to work to earn money.

_(B glares)_

_(X withers)_

X: Sorry, Buffster.

_(X turns to AY)_

X: Honey, remember that talk we had? About the censoring what you say? You might want to start that...about **now**.

AY: Why, did I say something wrong?

Me: Okay! So second question for Buffy:

**"So...how's Faith's tongue?"**

_(F chokes again)_

_(B flushes)_

S: Yes, Slayer, all of us over here would like to know.

_(D waves her hand)_

D: Uh, hello! Not **all** of us.

AY: Why so concerned about just her tongue? Last time I saw it, which was when she was licking her ice cream in a strangely erotic fashion, it seemed pretty healthy.

X: An!

AY: What? Am I wrong?

_(AY turns to F)_

AY: **Is** your tongue unwell?

_(F looks startled)_

F: Hunh? No, my tongue's fine...

_(F pauses before smirking)_

F: Though I guess it's not my liberty to be answering that question. B?

K: Yes, Buffy, how **is** her tongue?

_(B looks indignant)_

B: It's pretty amazing, I'll have you know. Next question, please.

Me: Alrighty, the next one is-

X: Hey hey hey, just hold on there, Buffster, you can't just leave it at that!

S: Exactly what I was thinking. Go on then, love, feed us with some details.

_(G massages his temples)_

G: Dear lord.

_(AY pats his arm reassuringly)_

AY: Last time I checked, there is no God. I know that humans tend to get very attached to their beliefs, so I'm sorry to have to break down your spirits like this. But it had to be done.

_(G looks confused)_

G: Ah...yes, Anya. Thank you...I suppose.

AY: No problem.

B: I'm not going to give you details! I already told you it was good, what more do you need?

_(F winks)_

F: Come on, B, you know what they want. Photos. Maybe some videos, too.

X: She read my mind!

B: Yea, well too bad! Next!

_(X & S grumble)_

Me: Okay then. Next one is:

**"So have you ever thought of getting a tattoo? If so, what and where?"**

_(B opens mouth to speak, but F jumps in instead)_

F: Oh she's gonna get a big heart with my name in it on her ass. It's gonna be wicked cool.

_(B gives her annoyed look)_

B: That's only happening if you knock me out and do it yourself. And if you do that, I'll do the same to you-

F: Sounds good to me.

B: -except I'm gonna tattoo the word 'BITCH' across your forehead.

_(F sighs dejectedly)_

F: Fine, fine.

_(S sniggers)_

S: You might have to add the word 'Buffy's' above the 'BITCH'.

F: Kiss my ass, Spike.

_(S bows)_

S: Gladly.

F: Just go to the next question before I **accidentally** ram a nice sturdy stake through **William's** bony, undead chest.

Me: Well I guess some of us wouldn't want that, now would we? Alright, so the next one was a comment:

**"You are a great woman but please leave Dawn alone. She's not 5 anymore she's 23. She can take care of herself and if she was in trouble she has the gang for help."**

D: I repeat, see Buffy? How come **they** know but you don't?

B: Because you're my little sister, and for as long as we're both alive, it's going to be that way.

_(D whines)_

D: I'm 23!

_(B crosses her arms)_

B: You could be 63 for all I care, you're always going to be my baby sister and that's that! Thank you and **next**!

_(B glowers)_

_(D scowls)_

Me: Okaaay then. Let's bring up the last question for Buffy, which was:

**"Do blondes really have more fun?"**

_(Everyone except B & S & AY scoff)_

Everyone except B & S & AY: **No**.

B: Well excuse me, I really think that us blondes-

K: Are incredibly stupid?

_(B glares)_

B: No, we have all kinds of fun!

_(C rolls eyes)_

C: Like **what**?

B: You know...really intense, fun. Like...like...

_(B glances at S)_

B: Tell them, Spike.

S: What? Me?

AG: Is there another Spike in this vicinity?

_(S bares teeth)_

S: Shut up before I do the world a favor and stick a spikey piece of wood up yours, Peaches.

_(Silence)_

F: Peaches, huh? So you must be 'Cream'?

_(S realizes his mistake)_

S: Bloody hell, that's not what I...I mean it's not like...oh, bugger.

C: Gay.

K: Homo.

W: Definitely some UrST.

B: Strangely enough, I can see it.

_(X clasps hands to ears)_

X: Don't wanna know, don't wanna know, don't wanna know...

D: Now you get how I feel.

G: I am in complete agreement.

_(AY suddenly starts laughing uncontrollably)_

AY: Oh I get it! Peaches 'N Cream! That's funny. You're very funny, Faith.

F: Thanks An.

_(AG rolls eyes)_

AG: At least one of us finds the funny in these things.

_(B point excitedly)_

B: There, see! Anya's blonde-

_(AY looks irritated)_

AY: What is **wrong** with all of you? We can all see, and they know I'm blonde. There's no reason-

B: -and she finds the funny in things. There's the fun.

_(Cue crickets)_

_(B sighs and turns to S)_

B: That really wasn't a good example, was it?

S: 'Fraid not, love.

B: I give up.

K: Finally. Besides, brunettes find the most fun.

C: And we're much sexier.

F: Damn straight.

Me: Right. I would agree, if I wasn't bound by interviewer rules to be objective about everything. Therefore, I'll be moving onto the next questions, which are for Dawn. There's quite a few.

D: Yay me!

Me: Alright, so from ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"Dawn, your Buffy's little sis. I'm pretty sure you have some awsome dirt on her. Sharing is caring right?"**

_(D gives toothy grin and rubs her hands together)_

_(B pales considerably)_

Me: And also from ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"Hows that therapy bill going?"**

Me: From Heartbrake Angel...

_(drum roll)_

**"How long do you think you'll need therapy?"**

Me: From xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"What is your sexuality?"**

_(F quirks eyebrow)_

F: Good question.

Me: From jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"What is the kinkiest thing you have ever done?"**

_(K smirks)_

K: Dang, Dawnie. These people are actually interested in your scrawny ass.

D: Bite me.

K: You wish.

Me: And lastly, from She's Hearing Voices...

_(drum roll)_

**"How do you really feel about Buffy and Faith being in a relationship?" **

_(F whistles)_

F: Got a lot of questions, huh, Squirt?

_(B is indignant)_

B: She got more than I did!

G: Oh heavens me, it must be a conspiracy.

B: That's what I'm saying.

G: Sarcasm, Buffy. For one who uses it so often, I would hope you'd be able to pick up on it.

B: Oh.

Me: So, Dawn, first question was:

**"Dawn, your Buffy's little sis. I'm pretty sure you have some awsome dirt on her. Sharing is caring right?"**

_(B is stern)_

B: I don't think so.

_(D ignores her)_

D: It's funny. You'd think I had a lot of dirt on her, and I would, if Buffy's dirt didn't keep being exposed to just about everybody. Everything just spills out and any good blackmail material I have? Just goes bye-bye. It sucks.

_(B lets out relieved sigh)_

D: But I have cutesy old dirt on her. Like, she used to suck her thumb until it got all wrinkly, she danced around in her underwear, and she used to have this little diary in her drawer where she kept her secrets-that-aren't-so-secret. And the **way** she used to write in this thing! Most of the entries started off with "Oh my god!"

B: I was a teenager!

F: I was too. I never ran around shrieking "Oh my god" everywhere.

W: Nope, you didn't. It more like, "Five by five, Red. Wicked cool shit, man, what up?" Or something along those lines.

F: Pretty much.

X: You forgot, "SEX SEX SEX!"

K: She still does that now.

D: Okay, let's get back to me, please.

F: Hogging the spotlight much, Pipsqueak?

_(D puts hands on hips)_

D: Well it's not everyday I get the spotlight, Faith. Most of the time it's on Buffy, even when she **doesn't** want it!

Me: Don't worry, you're having your moment now. Bask away...while you answer your second question:

**"Hows that therapy bill going?"**

_(D scoffs)_

D: If these people would own up and donate some money to the therapy fund, I'd **have** one. But I don't.

K: You don't need therapy.

D: Yea? Well **you** don't have to live with three incredibly horny couples on the **same** floor. Why, you ask? Because **you're** one of those people! And all the details about Buffy's sex life? **So** unnecessary for me to have to hear.

W: So close your ears.

AY: Honestly, Willow, you can't **close** your ears. That's not even possible. What a ridiculous idea.

_(W shakes her head)_

W: Fine, I meant block your ears, Dawn. You don't actually have to listen if you don't want to-

D: But that's the thing!

_(AY jumps and looks around)_

AY: Where?!

D: If I **do** just not listen, then I might miss something important!

K: Then man up and stop whining.

_(D pouts)_

D: I'm not **whining**, I'm just stating it in a dragged out, high-pitched fashion.

C: AKA, whining.

D: Whatever. Next question please!

Me: Alright, the next question was:

**"How long do you think you'll need therapy?"**

_(D nods solemnly)_

D: For a long time to come.

S: Oh please. You females are such a bloody over-dramatic lot.

D: Excuse me?

F: Whoa, whoa. Watch where you put those labels, Billy Idol.

B: Yea! What she said.

K: And...what they all said, I guess.

S: Sodding bunch of whiners, aren't you?

F: Watch it, Bleach-boy, or we'll sic Angel on ya.

_(AG looks startled)_

AG: What? You will?

_(C smirks)_

C: Oh, I don't know, Faith. That might be what he wants.

_(W blushes)_

W: Oh goddess.

X: Augh! Still don't want to know!

AY: Well I'm not sure if I should be pleased that you don't want to be bombarded by images of gay men, or if I should be concerned because excessive homophobia is the first sign of homosexuality.

_(X's jaw drops open)_

_(K & C snigger)_

X: Wha...y-you...I-I'm not...

_(Pause)_

W: Gay?

_(X jumps)_

X: Right!

F: Right, you **are** gay?

X: What? Nonononono...

B: Why, is there something wrong with being gay, Xander? Is that what you're trying to say?

K: Yea, Xander, are you insinuating that our lifestyle is flawed?

_(X shakes head, imitates a guppy, and squeaks)_

_(K turns to F)_

K: What does that mean?

_(F shrugs)_

F: Dunno.

W: I think you guys broke him.

C: Finally.

B: It'll pass. He has those moments.

_(D prods at X)_

D: Xander? Xaaaandeeeerrrr...

_(X squeaks again)_

X: Meep!

B: Do you know how to fix this, Anya?

_(AY glances up from counting her money)_

AY: Yes.

_(AY goes back to counting)_

B: Are you going to **fix** him, then?

_(AY sighs, annoyed)_

AY: Boobies.

_(X is still frozen)_

_(AY sighs again, and leans in closer and yells)_

AY: Boobies!

_(X starts)_

X: What? Where?

AY: There. He's fixed.

X: Huh?

_(W gives him weird look)_

W: Boobies?

X: Willow!

W: What?

_(X chuckles)_

X: You said boobies.

_(C rolls eyes)_

C: You are **such** a boy.

Me: Right. Since that's established, next question! And it's:

**"What is your sexuality?"**

F: Like I said before, good question.

_(B is curious)_

B: Yea, Dawnie. What **is** your sexual orientation?

D: Well I've been with boys, and I've done stuff with girls. I guess that makes me...bi?

_(C throws up her hands)_

C: I **swear** it must be something in the water.

S: Us men are going to be made obsolete. I knew it.

AG: And yet, I can't see a problem with it.

_(X daydreams)_

X: Yea...a world full of women...

Me: Okaaay. Next question was:

**"What is the kinkiest thing you have ever done?"**

G: Oh good heavens.

_(G tries to leave)_

_(Security won't let him)_

G: Let me out, man! Let me out, I say!

_(D calls out to him)_

D: Will you be making that donation for our therapy fund now?

K: Shut up about the therapy and answer the question.

D: I'm not sure I want to answer that.

B: I'm not sure I want to **know**.

AG: Yea...that's a little weird.

S: You're telling me, mate. Though, I find that I don't mind it much.

X: You are a sick man.

_(S scoffs)_

S: No, **you're** a sick man. I'm just a bloodsucking vampire.

AY: He's right, honey, there's a very big difference.

Me: The question, Dawn?

D: Um...yea...well it really wasn't...okay maybe a little...but I was completely wasted, so it really wasn't my fault...

_(B glares)_

B: Dawn?

F: Spit it out, Squirt.

_(D gives a weak half-grin)_

D: Threesome.

_(Half of the people sigh in relief, the others gape)_

_(B is a gaper)_

B: Dawn!

F: Ah, that's not too bad, B. Give the kid a break.

C: She's right. That's pretty vanilla.

_(D flushes)_

D: I wasn't finished.

B: What?!

D: There was leather belts involved. And a can of whipped cream.

B: DAWN!!

_(F nods approvingly)_

F: Generic, but classic kinks. Nice going.

K: Damn girl.

C: Not bad, for Buffy's sister.

S: Looks like we've been barking up the wrong Summers' girl, Angel.

_(AG grins)_

AG: I guess so.

_(Original Scoobs look slightly horrified)_

X: I don't think I'll ever look at whipped cream the same way again.

W: Or belts.

B: Or Dawn.

G: I quite believe I'll never look at any of **you** the same way again.

Me: Don't speak too soon, Mr. Giles. You have a question or two in here somewhere.

G: Oh dear.

AY: You can just call me Anya. Or An. People seem to like both.

Me: Alright. Last question for Dawn was:

**"How do you really feel about Buffy and Faith being in a relationship?"**

D: Oh that's easy. I think it's great!

_(F ruffles D's hair)_

F: You're great too, kid.

D: I mean, the whole running into them making out at random moments kinda wore off, but I'm still trying to get used to catching them naked.

_(X sighs wistfully)_

X: What a wonderful thing to get used to.

_(B smacks him)_

X: Ow!

B: Get the thought out of your head. Now.

X: Okay, okay! Scary Buffy bad! Got it!

B: Good.

Me: Alright, we're coming along nicely here. Willow, you're up next.

W: I have more questions?

Me: Several, actually. So here goes! From Heartbrake Angel...

_(drum roll)_

**"If you could make Kennedy do anything what would it be?"**

Me: From jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"Have you ever had sexual fantasies about Buffy and Faith together?"**

_(X whoops)_

_(W flushes)_

Me: From She's Hearing Voices...

_(drum roll)_

**"Thinkin about tying the knot with Kennedy anytime soon?"**

K: Decent questions. Good range.

F: Weirdo.

K: I was just saying.

Me: Okay, Willow. Go ahead with the first one.

W: Um...well if I could make her do anything, which I pretty much seem to be able to do anyway, hmm...I guess I need to think on it some more, cause here I am, mind going blank! Blank mind, that's me...

Everyone: Willow!

W: Okay! Okay, so I'd get her to sing me a song.

K: Egh. Why would you ever do that?

W: Because that's one thing you just won't do! Ha! So if I **could** make her do anything, I'd make her sing for me!

B: That's actually kind of cute.

K: Oh yea. Real heart-wrenching.

F: Feel the love, Ken.

K: Yea, yea.

Me: Haha, okay then. Next question:

**"Have you ever had sexual fantasies about Buffy and Faith together?"**

_(W flushes again)_

_(K quirks an eyebrow)_

K: Yes, Willow, have you?

_(W squeaks and raises a hand)_

W: I plead the fifth!

X: Nuh uh. No pleading here.

D: Yea, Willow. If I didn't back out, you can't either.

_(W fidgets)_

AY: It's really just a simple question. Just a 'yes' or 'no'. That's it.

_(W brightens)_

W: Hey, that's right! I don't have to go into any lewd details!

X: Not that we'd mind.

_(AY smacks X)_

X: Sorry, sorry. Shutting my mouth.

W: Yes. Not that I meant to, but it just...kind of happened.

S: Join the club; we're **all** sodding victims.

_(X raises hand)_

X: I blame it on the night!

AY: You can't blame it on anything other than your increasingly active male hormones.

_(X lowers hand)_

X: Oh. Right.

Me: Last question for you, Willow. It's:

**"Thinkin about tying the knot with Kennedy anytime soon?"**

F: Can I get a yoo hoo?

Audience: Yoo hoo!

F: I meant the drink, dumbasses.

D: Well, Willow?

_(W blushes)_

W: I...well I'd rather not...say...

B: It's personal information that is shared with best friends long before it is shared with complete strangers, and since **this** best friend knows not so much as of late, you guys wait your turn!

W: Exactly. What she said.

Me: Okay, but keep us updated if things start to hop!

_(AY flips out)_

AY: Things?! Hop?!

X: It's okay honey, it was an expression.

AY: Oh thank god.

Me: Alright, so the next person who will be answering questions tonight is none other than Anya! Are you ready, Anya?

AY: I suppose so.

Me: Great! From ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"How would you react to Buffy claiming she was Faith's new bestest friend?"**

Me: And a comment:

**"I saw a bunny stealing one of your dollars...just thought you should know..."**

_(AY whirls around suspiciously)_

AY: Damn bunnies.

Me: From jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"Why are you afraid of bunnies?"**

_(W whispers to X)_

W: We asked her this before, right?

X: Yea, but her answer still never makes sense.

Me: From She's Hearing Voices...

_(drum roll)_

**"Now that we know you have dirty thoughts about Faith, would you hook up with her if she were carrying a white fluffy bunny?"**

AY: Why are all these questions about bunnies?

S: Because you're unreasonably terrified of them, pet.

AY: Exactly why they should refrain from talking about it! Why must humans be so inconsiderate?

K: It must be a conspiracy.

AY: It must be. I understand. I would be jealous of me, too.

Me: Well, Anya? The first question was:

**"How would you react to Buffy claiming she was Faith's new bestest friend?"**

B: Which I know much better than to do.

G: Indeed. That could cause a bit of a...dilemma.

AY: Well if I was still a vengeance demon, I would, oh, I don't know. Either turn her into a slug and laugh maniacally as I trickle salt on her slimy gooey body, or give her terrible rashes that would disable her from having any more orgasms.

_(Pause while everyone gapes)_

_(AY doesn't notice)_

AY: But I'm not, so I'd stick with slashing her tires.

X: Buffster doesn't have a car, An.

AY: Oh right, because she can't drive.

_(B looks indignant)_

AY: Well then I guess I'll place dead bugs in her shampoo and throw in a red sock with all her white clothing.

_(Everyone stares again)_

B: Remind me never to get your bad side.

AY: Buffy, never get on my bad side.

F: I didn't know you were so crazy about me, An.

AY: I wouldn't say crazy, Faith. Just mildly obsessive. Especially over titles, and since our 'best friend' status is a very high title, I'd rather not lose it.

F: Wicked. I completely agree.

K: Would you put dead bugs in her shampoo anyway?

AY: Of course not.

C: What if someone paid you?

AY: It depends. My services come at a high price.

K: I've got 2 dollars.

D: I'll chip in 3.

AY: Sold! Do you want to discuss this now, or over coffee tomorrow?

B: Hey! Dawn Summers, if you even dare...

D: Oh shut your trap, Buffy. I was just kidding.

_(D slides money stealthily over to AY)_

_(AY snatches it, then brings it up to count it)_

B: Dawn!

Me: If you could stop counting your money for a second, Anya, there's a comment for you:

**"I saw a bunny stealing one of your dollars...just thought you should know..."**

AY: WHAT?! WHERE?!

_(AY glances around, narrowing her eyes)_

X: It's a joke, hon. There's no bunny.

AY: Nonetheless, I'm going to have to recount my money when we get back, Xander.

K: For the hundredth time?

AY: Close. It's my hundred and twenty-fourth time since I made last week's purchase of clothes.

S: You're a queer one.

C: Look who's talking.

S: I told you I'm not gay!

Me: Okay, well next question for Anya:

**"Why are you afraid of bunnies?"**

_(AY shudders)_

AY: Twitchy, horrible creatures. They're so...

D: Cute?

K: Stupid?

C: Soft?

B: Harmless?

S: Bad tasting?

AG: ...but better than rats?

G: Small?

F: Furry?

W: Huggable?

X: Creepy, with their wiggling noses and irregularly long ears.

AY: Exactly.

_(B turns to X)_

B: I assume you've had the conversation many times?

X: When she has nightmares, she dreams about them. It kind of makes **me** scared of bunnies.

Me: Well that's interesting. I've never quite thought about it. Anyways, here's your last question of the evening:

**"Now that we know you have dirty thoughts about Faith, would you hook up with her if she were carrying a white fluffy bunny?"**

_(AY rolls eyes)_

AY: Well of course.

_(Everyone stares)_

F: You would?

AY: Yes.

_(X looks confused)_

_(So does everyone else)_

X: But...the bunny...?

AY: I have a handgun. And I've been practicing on those beanie babies from Hallmark.

B: You'd **shoot** the bunny?

AY: Wasn't that implied?

_(G massages his temples)_

G: I do believe so.

AY: Good. Buffy, you really should learn to pick up on that.

C: And then you'd hook up with Faith.

AY: I'm certain that I implied that too. Really, what **did** they teach you in that high school of yours?

W: Uh...you went there, too.

AY: For the last few moments of senior year. And I skedaddled out of there, remember?

W: Oh yea...

Me: Okaaaay. So that was a little frightening, but not unexpected. Thank you, Anya. Now it's Kennedy's turn, I believe.

K: Um. Yay me?

_(W nudges K)_

W: Come on, it's fun. Right guys? Fun?

S: Oh sure, load of fun. Buckets and rubbish bins full of fun. A crock load of fun. Who the bloody fuck are you trying to fool?

F: Hey, hey, ease up on the witch, pal.

S: Well I'm hungry.

K: What are you, a girl?

B: And you don't even need to eat; how are you hungry?

_(S raises his hands up in mock defense)_

S: Bugger me, can't a mate at least pretend?

Me: There are some refreshments in the back somewhere, Spike. Anyways, Kennedy, we'll go ahead and start. From Heartbrake Angel...

_(drum roll)_

**"If you could make Willow do anything what would it be?"**

W: Deja vu, much?

Me: From Wikked Wolfie...

_(drum roll)_

**"Do you think Willow will ever explode from excess blushing or at least faint?" **

Me: And last one from Wikked Wolfie...

_(drum roll)_

**"Also, they always say the quiet ones are always wild...does it apply?"**

AG: That's not too bad.

K: I guess.

F: Go ahead and answer the first one, Ken.

K: Well, Willow never does anything wrong, and I never have to ask her for anything, either. But I guess if I could make her do anything, it'd be to make her be happy all the time.

Audience: Awwww!

D: Oh wow, that was so sickeningly sweet that I think I might've thrown up a little.

B: Tell me about it.

_(W kisses K)_

W: You are so sweet to me.

K: And you're perfect.

_(K kisses W)_

C: Go get a room, seriously.

AY: Or wait sensibly until we all get home. I understand that you want orgasms; so do I, but do you see me interacting sexually with Xander? Of course not. It's called manners.

_(K gives her the evil eye)_

W: Did she just...

K: Lecture us on manners? Yea.

Me: That was very sweet, Kennedy. Let's move on to the next question, which was:

**"Do you think Willow will ever explode from excess blushing or at least faint?" **

_(W blushes)_

W: Oh Goddess, I'm doing it again, aren't I?

X: Yep, lots of blushing and eye avoiding.

K: I think Willow was made to blush. It's like she can blush furiously but it's a part of her system, so it won't hurt her.

_(W's still blushing)_

F: God, you're red, Red.

B: Really, Wills, I used to worry back then. I was always half afraid you'd collapse on us.

W: Nope! No collapsing here! Not yet, anyway...

_(W turns even redder)_

Me: Will someone get her an ice water? Thanks. Alright Kennedy, last question:

**"Also, they always say the quiet ones are always wild...does it apply?"**

F: Ooh, good question. I've always wanted to know.

C: You mean out of all the people you've slept with, you never-

F: Hey man. When I'm on top, they can't usually bust out the wild on me. I'm not easily surprised.

B: Unless it's me.

_(F grins)_

F: That's why I love ya, B. You're beautiful, we connect, and you can handle me in bed.

S: Well one of us has to.

_(F flips him off)_

Me: So, Kennedy?

K: Oh Willow's very good in bed, there's no doubt about it. She's so sweet and shy and blushy, but when you get her into bed...she'll surprise you every time!

_(F whoops)_

F: Go Red!

_(W blushes)_

W: Thanks, Faith.

Me: Fantastic! Wow, we're still far from finished, huh? Well let's keeping trucking. Next person up is Giles!

G: Oh God.

Me: They're pretty harmless questions. Okay Giles, Heartbrake Angel wants to know:

**"If you weren't a watcher what would you be?"**

X: A librarian!

Me: I'm sorry, are you Giles?

_(X looks sheepish)_

X: No...

Me: Well this show's running long, so shut up and let the man speak!

_(X grumbles)_

_(G clears his throat)_

G: Ah yes, well, I suppose a librarian is a fine occupation, though I do believe I had often thought being a historian would be interesting. Perhaps a professor of history. European history, to be exact.

Me: That used to be my favorite subject. Great choice!

_(F fakes yawn)_

F: Boring.

G: Rather, Faith. It's quite fascinating.

Me: Good, good. Well I believe there's one more question for you, Mr. Giles. From jinxgirl, who wants to know:

**"Who are you currently attracted to?"**

_(Suddenly everybody is listening)_

_(G cleans his glasses)_

G: I'm afraid there is nobody at the moment.

W: But Giles, there **must **be someone! Like...like that really sweet lady at the bakery department in the grocery store! I think she was making googly eyes at you the other day, and she seems really sweet; you should go over and say hi the next time-

G: I'd rather not, Willow. I'm a bit outdated.

AG: Me and Spike have a couple centuries on you, old man.

AY: Let's not forget about me.

_(G blinks)_

Me: You guys discuss that sometime, then, and update us on the news! Next up is Cordelia! From KittySquyres, the question is:

**"Why don't you make an appearance more? People definitely miss your sense of style, and sarcastic quips."**

C: You know, I keep asking myself that every day, and nobody has a good answer.

AG: It's because people don't like being bossed around.

B: Or insulted, if you can believe it.

C: Simple honest truth is all it is.

AY: I appreciate that in a person.

C: Thank you. At least someone appreciates me.

F: Aw, I appreciate you, Cor. I think you're great. And you're hot, it works.

_(F winks)_

_(C blows a kiss)_

_(B scowls)_

B: Enough with the flirting already! Geez.

Me: It's all in good fun, I'm sure, Buffy. The next questions are for Angel and Spike.

_(K bursts out laughing)_

K: They all think you're gay!

_(S scowls)_

_(AG frowns)_

AG: I'm not gay.

S: Nor am I, damnit!

F: Keep on telling yourselves that, Peaches 'N Cream.

_(AY laughs)_

AY: Haha! Peaches 'N Cream...ha! That's never going to get old. Really funny...

Me: Okay, so from Heartbrake Angel, the question is:

**"Have you ever gone out?"**

_(S curls lip in disgust)_

S: Gods in heaven, **NO!**

_(AG continues frowning)_

AG: Never. Ever.

_(C checks nails)_

C: I'm pretty sure they've gone to have a couple drinks once in a while.

Audience: Oooooh!

S: It's a couple of drinks! Male acquaintances **do **that! ANY type of acquaintances do that!

AG: You guys are making mountains out of molehills.

_(D makes a face)_

D: Ew, Angel, stay away from the cliches.

Me: Next, from jinxgirl:

**"If you each had to be with one female other than Buffy, who would it be?"**

_(S and AG glance at each other)_

S & AG: Faith.

B: Nuh uh. You stay away.

F: I think that's sex-wise. I know I'm a dream, but what if it's like...couple-wise? We've got a batch of lovely single women here.

K: Meaning Dawn and Cordy.

_(S and AG glance at each other again)_

S: Nibblet.

AG: Cordelia.

F: Perfect. Matches made in heav...okay, maybe hell, I don't know.

_(B glares at S)_

B: Spike, you stay away from my sister.

S: Staying clear away, Slayer, was just telling the truth.

_(S secretly winks at D)_

Me: Okay, and Xander, there's a question for you, too.

X: Finally! I was wondering when you people were gonna notice me.

Me: Well jinxgirl wants to know:

**"If you had to be with one female other than Anya, who would it be?"**

_(AY waves her arm)_

AY: Excuse me, he will **not** be with any other female other than myself. Ever. **I** am his orgasm mate, and he is **mine**.

W: It's just a question, Anya. It's not going to happen.

AY: Well in that case, answer away

X: Um...I guess that's kind of hard...I think I'd go with the Buffster. Knight-ess in shining armor.

F: Good choice, even though B's all mine.

X: By all means, keep her. I've never seen a better suited couple than you two.

Everyone else: Agreed.

Me: Now we're at Faith's turn! Faith, as usual, you have an incredible amount of questions to be asked. Are you ready?

F: As ready as I'll ever be.

Me: Alright. Let's list them! From KittySquyres...

_(drum roll)_

**"Do you have a secret sort of security blanket thing that makes you feel safe? Aside from Buffy?"**

Me: From ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"Does Buffy read those sappy romance novels? If so has she ever tried to get you to read them?"**

**"Between you and Shane from the L word, who has had sex with more people? She's in the thousands..."**

**"Are you keen on the whole marriage thing?"**

Me: From Heartbrake Angel...

_(drum roll)_

**"What are some of your fave bands and singers? Is Metro Station or Linkin Park one of them?"**

**"What's your favorite song?"**

**"If you had a middle name what would you want it to be?"**

**"Who was your first?"**

**"Who was your first girlfriend and boyfriend?"**

Me: From kenyon87...

_(drum roll)_

**"You and Kennedy are rather close did you ever do anything with each other?"**

Me: From moswaggZ...

_(drum roll)_

**"If you could have a threesome out of Willow, Kennedy, Anya, Cordelia, Buffy, Dawn who would you pick?"**

**"Have you ever had fantasies involving Cordelia? If so what were they?"**

Me: From Wikked Wolfie...

_(drum roll)_

**"From what I've seen so far it looks like Buffs a screamer...is she?"**

Me: From QuitersxNeverxWin...

_(drum roll)_

**"What's your dream car?"**

Me: From jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"When is the last time you cried and why?"**

Me: From FallenSoldier15...

_(drum roll)_

**"Before running into the Scoobies, did you ever believe you'd settle into the domestic life despite all of the shit you went through growing up?"**

Me: From She's Hearing Voices...

_(drum roll)_

**"Ten years, where do you see yourself?"**

_(Everyone gapes)_

F: Holy shit.

X: Sweet mother of God!

D: Wow.

S: Bloody hell.

C: Damn.

B: Oh my God.

W: Oh my Goddess.

K: What the hell.

G: Good lord.

AG: Huh.

AY: Goodness, they all ask a shitload of personal questions, don't they? Nosy bastards. I'd kill you all if I had the time.

Me: Well Faith, good luck!

_(F looks nervous)_

F: I'd feel better about taking on twenty vamps at once.

Me: First one was:

**"Do you have a secret sort of security blanket thing that makes you feel safe? Aside from Buffy?"**

F: I'm gonna make this quick, okay?

Audience: Okay.

F: Good. Um...no, I don't. I just need my B...unless you count my boots. Those babies make me feel safe.

_(F makes sappy grin)_

_(B rolls eyes)_

B: I think she loves those things more than me.

S: I doubt any of us would be surprised, love.

Me: Next question was:

**"Does Buffy read those sappy romance novels? If so has she ever tried to get you to read them?"**

F: Ew, yea. She's all Nicholas Sparks lately; it drives me crazy.

_(B pouts)_

B: They're so **good**! And so sweet, too, you really should try readin-

F: No.

B: But-

F: Nuh uh. I can come up with good and sweet all on my own, without the help of some stupid book.

K: Amen.

W: Oh come on, sweetie, those books are really cute.

K: Now don't **you** start.

Me: They're not so bad to some people, though it's very hard to get into them. It makes plenty of people depressed that they don't have that sort of love. But going on:

**"Between you and Shane from the L word, who has had sex with more people? She's in the thousands..."**

_(F scoffs)_

F: Pfft. Amateur. Sure, she's hot and she's got it going on, but I used to take home both boys **and** girls. She might have some up on me, but that's just cause I found my one.

B: Maybe she'll find hers. She seemed to do well with Carmen for a while.

C: Carmen. Carmen was hot.

D: Definitely.

F: But yea. You know, I think if I went on with my bad habits, I might've been dead. But if not, I'd be winning that race easy.

Me: So sure, are we? Well, I guess we'll never know! Next:

**"Are you keen on the whole marriage thing?"**

_(F thinks it over)_

B: Yes, Faith, are you?

F: Well, it's not something I ever expected from me. I mean, I always thought I'd be dead before I even got serious about someone. Marriage kind of freaks me out in the 'you're-bound-for-life' sense, but it's supposed to be a good commitment.

_(B holds F's hand)_

F: I think the only thing that scares me about marriage is that I've never seen one that's ended well. But maybe it'll be nice. I don't know yet.

Me: That's always a hard question to ask yourself, and I think you've got the right idea. And the next question is:

**"What are some of your fave bands and singers? Is Metro Station or Linkin Park one of them?"**

F: Think we went over this in the first or second episodes of this show. Linkin Park **is** one of the bands I like to vibe to. Not much Metro Station, though. Guess I'll check'm out later, yea?

Me: Alright, let's get the next couple out without introductions:

**"What's your favorite song?"**

F: Oh, that's a tough one. Right now? I'm really digging that Skillet song, 'Comatose'. But I can't put a definite finger on a song, cause man...you just can't.

K: Totally. There's always a good song for every mood.

X: Different genres for different feelings and attitudes and even days.

W: For all sorts of situations.

B: Completely agreed.

**"If you had a middle name what would you want it to be?"**

_(F shakes head)_

F: Don't want one. Don't need one.

X: That still wigs me out, man!

F: Yea, I'm not your typical 'average Joe' type, huh?

X: Oh that just goes without saying.

**"Who was your first?"**

_(F frowns)_

_(B gives sympathetic look)_

F: I'd rather not talk about that.

**"Who was your first girlfriend and boyfriend?"**

F: Ronnie's the first boyfriend. What a loser. But he was the one with the bullwhip; remember me telling you about it, Bleachoxide?

_(S crosses his arms)_

S: Yea, yea. You and the catholic school girl bit. Old hat, yea?

F: Like everything else; just remember who's on top.

Everyone: Which is **always** you.

F: Exactly.

_(B grins slyly)_

B: Not **always**.

_(F smirks)_

F: Well no, not anymore.

D: So who's the first girlfriend?

F: B is. I fucked chicks, but that's all. Couldn't deal with a chick relationship; they're way too fucking clingy. You get rid of one and another one tries to stick to you like honey to a honey pot.

C: Kind of like desperate men to a pair of boobs.

X: WHERE?!

_(AY & K & D & C smacks X)_

Me: Alrighty then, so the next one is:

**"You and Kennedy are rather close did you ever do anything with each other?"**

_(K smirks)_

_(B frowns)_

B: Always with the sex. They must all think you're some sort of sex addict.

Everyone except B & F: She **is**.

F: What? No I'm not.

_(Everyone gives her a look)_

F: Alright, so maybe I like sex a little...or a lot...

K: Yea, but to answer the question, no, we haven't.

F: Ken's a great friend, and granted we'd be super foxy together, but we're like sisters.

K: It wouldn't be really weird, but it'd just mess up the friendship thing going on.

W: Kind of like me and Buffy.

B: And Xander.

X: Damnit.

**"If you could have a threesome out of Willow, Kennedy, Anya, Cordelia, Buffy, Dawn who would you pick?"**

D: All the sex talk is going to put Xander's mind into overload.

_(X blubbers)_

AY: Oh it's been frying for the past hour. I used to worry at first, but now I just wait until the bell dings.

C: I don't think they're the only ones.

_(S's slack-jawed)_

_(AG fidgets)_

_(G is still plugging his ears)_

AY: It's a wonder they don't go crazy. If I was a male, I certainly would.

F: You mean make like a dog and hump everything?

AY: Something like that.

F: Well, B's in, cause I wouldn't leave her out of it. Squirt's out cause it's B's sister, and cause she's like my kid sister, too. Ken and Red are out, since we discussed it in the last question...and though it'd be a tough choice, An's gonna have to sit out, cause she's got a man. Queen C's single, so she won't have much trouble with clingy boyfriends.

AY: How considerate of you, Faith, I'll let you know if I'm ever uncommitted to anyone and we can work on that.

F: Gotcha An.

W: I like how you laid that out. It was very logical of you.

K: Yea, and the way you reasoned it out makes it so that nobody gets hurt feelings. Smart.

D: Definitely an appropriate response.

C: I'm glad everyone's happy where they stand. I sure am. Except I won't be standing.

**"Have you ever had fantasies involving Cordelia? If so what were they?"**

_(B glowers at F)_

B: You're not answering the second question if the first answer is yes.

X: Oh don't be a spoilsport, Buffster!

S: Yea, what the sodding moron said.

C: Hello, I'm the subject of the question. I think I hold the **right** to know.

B: And yet, it's not gonna happen. Tough luck.

F: Whoa, you guys are assuming that I actually have these fantasies.

_(Everyone quirks an eyebrow at F)_

F: Fine, so maybe I do.

_(C smirks)_

C: I knew it. Let me tell you, Faith. The real thing is **much** better. So I hear.

_(B scowls)_

B: Skank.

C: Priss.

_(B lunges at C)_

X: Catfight!

Me: Well, while they're at it, I suppose we can move on:

**"From what I've seen so far it looks like Buffs a screamer...is she?"**

_(F smirks)_

F: I guess I can actually answer this without B getting on my case.

_(B has a hold of C's hair)_

_(C has her hands around B's neck)_

B: You keep AWAY from MY girlfriend!

C: She's MY friend, and we can hang out WHENEVER we WANT!

_(F raises both eyebrows)_

F: Dang.

K: You're telling me. This is better than cable!

X: And porn!

_(D smacks X)_

X: OW! Why can't you just hit the other arm?

D: Because then it wouldn't hurt as much.

_(X mutters)_

X: Violent, vicious girls...

W: You forgot vindictive.

X: That too.

F: You were right. B's a screamer. Sometimes. She whimpers a lot, and her moans are higher pitched. It's hot as hell.

S: Sounds like it.

_(F daydreams)_

K: Oh come off it, Faith. You've got more questions to answer.

F: Fuck the questions.

AY: You really can't. That's impossible.

**"What's your dream car?"**

F: Oh man...I've got a couple. If I'm going with affordable, the Nissan 350Z Convertible. Great little car. Nice design and reliable brand.

X: What about a Ferrari?

F: I'm getting there, Xan. The Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano. Beautiful car. And if I'm looking Lamborghini, a Lamborghini Murcielago LP640 Roadster. That's a sweet little ride.

C: Too bad you don't have the money.

_(F sighs wistfully)_

F: Yea, but I'll have to live with it.

**"When is the last time you cried and why?"**

F: If you mean like, sobbing, breaking down crying, Angel and Wes are the only ones who witnessed it.

_(AG nods sagely)_

AG: It was incredibly emotional.

F: But if we're talking tears, then cause of this really huge fight I had with B. She said some things, I said some things, it was bad.

_(B returns with a chunk of C's hair and bruises around her neck)_

B: Yea, but at least we got over it, right?

_(C is fixing her hair)_

C: After she came to talk to **me** about it. You really know how to hurt the girl's feelings.

_(W acts as mediator)_

W: But Faith said some things, too, Cordy. Buffy came to me and was crying...

F: At least it's over. We're still together, and I still love her.

B: And I love you.

_(B and F kiss)_

_(F pulls back and points at the hair)_

F: And as the love of your life, I'd like to be honest and shit and tell you that **that** needs to be gone.

B: Oh. Right.

_(B hands hair to crewman)_

B: Here. Happy birthday.

**"Before running into the Scoobies, did you ever believe you'd settle into the domestic life despite all of the shit you went through growing up?"**

F: Not really. Most of the time I expected I'd end up like my mom and die from OD-ing. And even after I became a Slayer, I figured I'd end up being killed by some vamp that got lucky.

W: But, but that's not how it was, right? I mean, you met us!

_(F shrugs)_

F: It's not like that made it any better until after I went crazy, killed people, went to jail, then came back. During that whole time I was pretty damn sure I was gonna die without anyone, kinda like how I'd lived without anyone. Sometimes i still worry this is a crazy dream and I'll wake myself back up into the nightmare of a life I used to have.

AG: That's not going to happen, Faith. Besides, you deserve to be here.

F: Sure I do.

B: You do, Faith. You're such a good person...

F: I don't know.

G: But certainly, Faith, you realize that the past has helped you grow, but in no way directly reflects who you'll be? You are a stronger woman now.

AY: But still as hot as ever. Really, Faith. Before I met you, nobody ever explained just how beautiful you are. It's a wonder the whole world just didn't collapse under your power before.

_(F laughs)_

F: Thanks, An. You always know how to cheer me up.

AY: Of course I do. What's the point of being your best friend if I couldn't do that?

**"Ten years, where do you see yourself?"**

F: Not sure. With B. With the Scoobs, the girls...It's hard to tell for sure, since our lives are always taking crazy ass turns. As long as I'm with my friends, I think I'm set.

X: Hip hip hooray!

D: Aw, Faith's turning into a big old softie!

_(F looks horrified)_

F: Am not!

D: Yea you are.

K: You really are. "As long as I'm with my friends..."? Definitely getting soft in your old age.

F: Old?! Come're and I'll show you just how much older and stronger I am than your punk ass!

B: Now now, Faith, no need to get cranky because the young'ns are rebelling.

F: B, you're older than I am. Shut up.

_(B pouts)_

_(F pecks her on the cheek)_

F: Just kidding.

Me: Fantastic! We're done with Faith's questions, so now we'll get to the finale! The questions for Buffy **and** Faith together as a couple! From kenyon87...

_(drum roll)_

**"When did you first know/realise that you were in love with each other?"**

K: Who cares? It still took Buffy half her life to figure it the fuck out.

_(B flips K off)_

F: It's like the movie, Imagine Me & You. 'I knew after 3 seconds'. Except for me it was just that one second I saw her.

Audience: Aww!

F: I didn't get it though, until the whole Kakistos deal went down. First it was all about flirting with her just to mess around, but after we took down Kakistos...I knew I was into her.

Audience: AWWW!

_(B blushes)_

B: I knew there was a connection when we first met, but I was so taken aback by how different we were, I was too busy getting jealous. And then all the other times were tough, but then we were friends...I think if I hadn't been so young, I would've realized it that night Alan Finch died. On the dance floor, we were so close, there wasn't any worry about who we were, just me and her...it was amazing...

_(AG looks guilty)_

AG: Until I showed up and messed it up.

B: No, of course not!

F: Yea, don't think like that, Soulboy. Things didn't turn out. Big whoop. It turned out now, right?

AG: Right.

B: The messed up part is that I realized it too late. The second I stabbed that knife into her...I saw it. I saw **her**. But after I knew, I pushed it all the way down, pretending it was all hate. And everything that went down after that just made me believe I hated her even more, when I didn't.

D: Drama drama **drama**.

C: Welcome to the world of the Scooby gang.

Me: Yes, well the next one is less drama, more...sex-related.

B: And that makes a difference how?

Me: It doesn't. From xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"Ok, would you both consider having a threesome with Cordelia?"**

_(F raises hand)_

F: I already said yea.

_(Everyone looks to B)_

B: Well...I don't know. Maybe.

_(Everyone gapes)_

F: Seriously, B?

_(B looks irritated)_

B: I'm not a complete stuck up bitch, you know.

F: I know, B, but I also know how you can get when it comes to Queen C.

C: Incredibly jealous?

AY: And bitchy. There's a lot of that going on. Reminds me of the sexual tension between Spike and Angel.

S & AG: Hey!

AY: Hey yourself.

B: So yea. Maybe.

_(X drowns in drool)_

_(F starts getting ideas)_

Me: Well that's pretty interesting, let us know when it happens, okay? I'm sure our readers would be delighted. Now, last question of the evening! From jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"What is the most embarrassing thing each of you has done to the other?"**

_(F & B look at each other and laugh)_

K: I can tell you about Faith's. We were all at the bar, and Faith was completely tanked. She probably had more than all our drinks put together, and she decided it'd be a great idea to give everyone titty twisters. Even the guys.

S: And it bloody well **hurt**.

W: It was more surprising than painful.

B: I was **so **embarrassed.

_(F is still laughing)_

F: But that wasn't the least of it!

D: She ran around the whole bar, dragging Buffy with her, shouting,

Everyone: "I love this woman! And she loves me, too! You wanna know why?"

F: Then I flashed the twins at them, then ran away laughing.

AG: She did that to us, too. Quite a couple times.

C: Oh yea. We're all fairly acquainted with Faith's breasts.

G: Thank goodness I wasn't there.

AY: You missed out, Giles. They're wonderfully sculpted breasts.

_(X continues drooling)_

B: And as for me...

F: She was wasted, too. And it doesn't take much to get B drunk. It was during my birthday party at the house.

C: Thank god it wasn't around other people.

D: Yea, Buffy. You owe me the most therapy money for **that** little scandal.

W: You did nearly give Giles a heart attack.

G: She certainly did. I believe I left immediately.

Me: What happened?

B: Well, you see, she opened my gift last, because I told her to, but I got so impatient I-

AG: She just grabbed at the present and started tearing it open like it was **her** present, muttering about how somebody wrapped it up really horribly-

D: Even though **she** was the one who wrapped it.

S: And when she finally got the sodding thing open, she thrust it into Faith's face like it was a 8 inch strap-on.

W: Which is exactly what it was.

K: I was laughing so hard, beer came out my nose.

F: B was all, "Look Faith! It's a dildo! A big, rubbery dick for lesbians like us! Let's go try it!" And everyone had been waiting for the ice cream cake, so I was like, "B, we can't...the cake."

AY: Well it didn't stop her. She just picked Faith up, threw her over her shoulder and took her upstairs without another word.

C: No words, no, but thumping and moaning and screaming? Yes.

_(X blubbers)_

F: I wasn't really embarrassed, it was just kinda surprising, you know?

Me: That sounds like two crazy nights of fun. You crazy party animals, you! Well that's it for today's episode, folks! Please leave your review and questions at the bottom, and thanks!

_(Ending theme)_


	5. Chapter 5

**Alrighty here's this episode/chapter! **

**Remember it's a MAX of 3 questions, if you're going to leave questions. Even if you aren't, leave a review.  
**

**Enjoy and please review!**

* * *

_(Opening theme)_

Me: Hello! And welcome to-

F: Yea yea, they all got it, Lost.

Me: It's kind of my job to keep it professional, Faith. Now if you'll just let me-

F: You need to find the fun. Listen, here's what we'll do. We'll all go out for a drink or two-

K: Or ten.

F: -and then we'll see how professional you want to keep it.

Me: I'm not much of a drinker.

_(F throws up her hands)_

F: That's why you haven't found the fun!

B: Faith, you shouldn't be encouraging that.

F: What, drinking?

B: **Too** much drinking.

C: Well just because **you **can't handle a couple shots, Buffy...

_(B is indignant)_

B: I can handle a couple shots just fine, Cordelia!

X: Well, Buff, that's kind of a relative thing.

W: Yea, the whole 'you say po-tah-toe and I say po-tay-toe' thing.

_(B rolls eyes)_

B: In any case, you shouldn't encourage too much drinking to those much younger than we are!

G: That's very true. We wouldn't want to be the cause of nasty habits.

S: Oh you're one to talk, you bloody old codger.

_(G massages temples)_

Me: Okaaay, so anyways, let's start, shall we?

G: Please do.

Me: Alright, Buffy, you're up!

_(B sighs)_

B: As always, I'm first. No surprises here.

_(W shrugs meekly)_

W: Well you always did say that you don't like surprises much.

B: Yea, when it comes to demons and vampire-y activity! Not when it comes to talk shows and interviews.

Me: I'm very sorry, Buffy, but we prefer to stick with the program. For now, at least. Alright, so from xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"We all know about your cave-slayer incident, but how would you feel if Faith got turned into a cave-slayer?"**

_(B raises eyebrows)_

B: How do you all know about that?

Me: From QuitersxNeverxWin...

_(drum roll)_

**"What's the most money you've spent in one shopping session?"**

_(B giggles)_

_(G sighs)_

_(F smirks)_

F: Poor Giles and his Council money.

W: I'll say.

Me: From Tweak...

_(drum roll)_

**"What would you do if you didn't have 'the pout' at your disposal?"**

_(F grumbles)_

F: Trust me, she's got plenty of things.

_(X singsongs)_

X: Pussywhipped!

_(AY glares)_

_(X withers)_

AY: Exactly what you are.

_(F high fives AY)_

Me: From samreihan...

_(drum roll)_

**"What does it take to make Faith behave; well except for sex, anyways?"**

_(B sighs)_

_(F smirks)_

Me: And last question! From LIGHT. It Burns Us...

**"What is one personality trait that really impresses you in others?"**

D: Not too bad, at least I don't have odd visuals that make me run screaming for therapy.

_(K glances at W, turns to D, then leans in)_

K: Giles. Naked.

_(D turns a slight shade of green and - holding her mouth and stomach - runs for the bathroom)_

_(W sighs)_

_(K shrugs with a grin)_

_(X makes a face)_

X: I wish you didn't say that.

K: Why, don't you just **love** thinking about Giles in all his naked Brit glory?

_(X turns green and runs for the bathroom as well)_

X: Dawn! Open the door, I need to puke!

W: Isn't there a bathroom for both genders?

Me: One's out of order.

_(W eyes go wide)_

W: Oh.

K: I know. Fine work, huh?

Me: Very well, Kennedy, now let's get going. Buffy, if you would answer the first question:

**"We all know about your cave-slayer incident, but how would you feel if Faith got turned into a cave-slayer?"**

_(B frowns)_

B: Eesh. That would...suck.

_(D returns looking a little better)_

D: Clearly she wouldn't have time to feel anything about anything, since Faith would probably kill us all in our sleep.

_(F looks insulted)_

F: I would not! I'd just...kill you while you were awake. There's a big difference.

B: Uh, not so much.

AY: Actually Buffy, Faith is right. If you compare being asleep and being awake, and being killed in either state. I'm certain the difference is noticeable.

W: I think what she's saying is that either way we'd be dead.

AY: Well of course, did you think being killed ended in some other way?

_(S rolls eyes)_

S: You are impossible.

_(AY gets smug)_

AY: Actually, I'm pretty possible. See me, standing here? Possible.

C: Girl's got a point. Nicely countered.

AY: Thank you.

AG: Going on to the question...

Me: Yes, thank you, Angel. Buffy?

B: Well I guess I'd be panicking big time, then I'd do everything I could to contain her. And after that-

_(X returns looking refreshed)_

X: She'll gather the troops and we'd get to work on fixing her right up!

B: Guess I can't say it any better than that.

Me: Fabulous, I'm sure it's a relief to all of us, in case that ever does occur. Alright, Buffy, the next question:

**"What's the most money you've spent in one shopping session?"**

B: Well...

F: She doesn't remember. I'm the one who had to collect the receipts and give'm to G-man, who nearly had a coronary.

B: A girl needs her designer clothes.

C: I'll drink to that.

B: See? Even Cordelia agrees with me.

AG: That can't be good.

D: Um, hello? There are a lot more girls than guys here, and no, Xander totally doesn't count. Shopping is a **lifestyle**.

_(K snaps her fingers with every two words)_

K: Live it, work it, love it.

W: Welcome to the world of female empowerment!

S: Oh bloody hell.

AY: It has its bloody moments, yes.

_(Pause)_

F: Okay...

C: Anyways, this is a good season for open-toes. Strappy heels, of course.

B: Fashion tops, of course, with some designer jeans.

D: Don't forget jewelry!

B: White gold.

K: Silver.

W: Gold!

C: Platinum.

D: All of the above.

_(Everyone else stares)_

X: Thank God An doesn't spend money like that. I'd be broke.

AY: I prefer my stacks of cash over overused, name brand clothes with designs that I can find at Target for less than ten dollars.

F: And I...just find something that fits and buy it.

S: Impressive.

F: I know. It's cheap, it's fast, and I **still** look good.

C: Yea, yea, Miss Sexy. Just because the rest of us **want** to spend time looking for clothes that don't all look the same...

F: Please. You wore a pair of heels that looked just like that yesterday, the only difference is that there's one more strap down the middle than the other one.

B: Faith, that makes all the difference in the world.

F: And **you** wore a skirt like that yesterday, except today it's a shade darker and there's a tiny pocket on the left hip.

D: Uh yea. Big difference.

_(F rolls eyes and crosses arms)_

F: I give up. Girls are really fucking confusing.

X: That's what I've been thinking!

Me: Well then, thank you girls, for answering the question for Buffy. Now Buffy, the next question is:

**"What would you do if you didn't have 'the pout' at your disposal?"**

_(B strokes chin thoughtfully)_

B: Well it's my most effective weapon, but it's not my **only** weapon.

_(F grunts)_

F: You're telling me.

AG & S: We understand.

B: I've got my own version of the 'resolve face' that Wills taught me.

K: But Willow's is much harder to resist. Trust me.

B: Then there's-

F: The puppy dog eyes. She can make those suckers tear up like no one else I know.

AG: Yea, that always worked with me.

S: She mostly used the 'silent treatment' and the sodding glare.

F: Ooh, yea. She uses that on me a lot, too.

AG: I just got cried at.

S: 'Cause you're bloody fucking easy.

_(AG is insulted)_

AG: I am not!

F: Sorry to break it to ya, buddy, but you kind of are.

B: Hence the crying. And the occasional bout of teenage hormones and shouting.

S: Ooh. I suppose that's the worst bit, mate. I'm kind of sorry.

F: Yea. I would be, if I didn't mostly wish it was me she was crying and shouting about.

_(AG gives apologetic look)_

_(B holds her hand)_

B: At least you have me now.

F: That's all I ask.

Audience: Aww.

_(K & D gag)_

Me: That's so sweet, you two! Such a dysfunctionally beautiful couple, huh? Next question for Buffy:

**"What does it take to make Faith behave; well except for sex, anyways?"**

_(F scoffs)_

F: Pfft. Nothing.

B: Except for all the methods mentioned above.

F: Not all the time!

_(Everyone stares)_

_(F throws up her hands)_

F: Fine, so I'm Buffy's bitch.

K: Oh we all knew that already.

_(F kicks K in the shin)_

K: Ow! Fuck!

_(F smiles cheerily)_

F: Take a number, junior.

_(W grabs K's hand)_

W: She'll do no such thing!

_(F winks)_

F: It's cool Red, I won't tell her that you're the number right before her.

_(W flushes)_

C: I've taken a couple, I believe I'm next.

_(B growls)_

B: No, you are **not**.

_(S grins)_

S: SIgn me up, pet.

_(AG shrugs)_

AG: Why not?

_(X lights up)_

X: Ooh! Me too!

_(AY puts hands on her hips)_

AY: I'm sorry, Xander, but I'm afraid that I'm after Cordelia, and before all three of you.

_(B looks slightly appalled)_

B: Um, excuse me? There's no number taking **or** any girlfriend fucking in this vicinity.

S: Oh sure, just be a selfish snob and keep the girl to yourself, why don't you?

_(B hugs F to her)_

B: I will, thank you.

Me: And thank **you** for answering the question! Well here's your last question, Buffy:

**"What is one personality trait that really impresses you in others?"**

C: Being dead.

K: And sucking blood.

D: And having a tortured soul.

W: Or past.

X: Or future. Cause I have to be honest, Angel. I always felt bad that you couldn't do the deed because of that curse.

AG: Thanks, I guess.

_(B scowls throughout all that)_

B: You guys suck.

AY: And very well, I might add. Just ask Xander.

_(Everyone looks grossed out)_

_(X shrugs)_

X: It's true.

_(D looks sick again)_

D: I think I hate you.

F: Yea. Man, **way** too much info there.

Me: And going on...Buffy?

B: Um...yea. Well I really am impressed with confidence. And wit.

W: Which might explain why we all felt threatened when Faith made an appearance.

G: Certainly Faith held an amount of zest and an air of confidence that our group somewhat lacked.

S: It's why she sodding fell for me, too.

C: Without the wit.

S: Right...hey!

C: Hey yourself.

Me: Alrighty then, that's all for Buffy! Now let's see...Hmm. We have a variety of question for a variety of people today, it seems. Well I suppose we'll just work our way with the individual questions. Aha! This one is from xXAngel of fireXx, and it is for Anya! Alright, the question is...

_(drum roll)_

**"Ok, I know you don't bunnies, but have you ever sat down and watched a Bugs Bunny cartoon?"**

_(AY raises her eyebrows and turns to X)_

AY: What in D'Hoffryn's name is a bug's bunny?

X: Ah, well, An...it's-

AY: Is it actually an insect's pet rabbit? Can they really get that small?

_(Everyone laughs or giggles or chuckles)_

_(AY gets huffy)_

AY: I don't get how this is funny. We're talking about a completely new species of bunnies that I've never heard of, and you're laughing at my expense.

_(D giggles some more)_

D: Bugs Bunny is a cartoon character, Anya. He was very popular back in the early 90s.

W: Yay for Looney Tunes! Me and Xander used to watch those cartoons all the time!

F: Lemme guess, you were a total Tweety fan.

_(W blushes)_

_(X grins boyishly)_

X: Mine too!

_(F waves the comment off)_

F: Yea, but with you, I didn't have to guess.

X: I'm not sure if that's an insult or a compliment.

S: It's definitely an insult.

_(B turns to the girls)_

B: Spike kind of reminds me of a Sylvester, doesn't he?

_(W squeals)_

W: Oh my Goddess, he does!

K: Or Wile Coyote.

S: I can't believe you bints are comparing me to a cartoon character. I used to be the most feared, badarse vampire-

F: Yea yea, can it, Bleach-head.

_(S scowls)_

Me: Well, that successfully answered the question. Next individual question is for...Giles!

_(G, who has been reading the whole time, looks up)_

G: Me?

B: You really should pay attention. Bad habits, you know.

_(G gives B reproving look)_

_(B smiles innocently and shrugs)_

_(G clears throat)_

G: Yes, well, I'm quite ready now.

Me: Great! So this is from Jinxgirl, who asks...

_(drum roll)_

**"When was the last time you had sex, and with who?"**

_(S makes a face)_

S: Oh bloody come on! It's not like we **want **to know about that!

_(G just looks appalled)_

G: I must say, I'm not all that keen on responding to the question.

F: Man up, Giles. It's a harmless little question. I've answered about a thousand of them in the past few shows.

D: Yea, if I - as the youngest in our group - can do it, then you - as the oldest **looking** in our group - can do it.

G: I suppose that should insult me, but I'm much too busy feeling my privacy crash down around me as we speak.

W: Come on, Giles, it's all out of fun.

B: I mean, personally, I don't want to know, but since it was asked, you kind of have to answer it somewhat. It's totally required.

_(G starts to stutter)_

G: Ah...yes, well...the last time...I had sex...

_(K jumps up)_

K: Oh my God. Don't tell me...is it that lady at the bakery!

_(W jumps up)_

W: REALLY?! GILES!

G: No! I...I didn't...we did **not** participate in sexual intercourse.

_(K & W sit down, their bubbles well burst)_

_(F crosses arms)_

F: Why you gotta make it sound so sex ed, G? 'Sexual intercourse'? You can't just tell it how it is?

G: That **is** what it is.

_(F shakes her head)_

F: Nah, Giles. Sex is **much** hotter than 'sexual intercourse'. You gotta use the right words.

G: I'd...rather not.

_(F shrugs)_

F: Your loss. Chicks dig it when you dirty talk.

_(B nudges F)_

B: Shut up, Faith.

X: Uh actually, guys like it too.

AY: Oh he **really** does.

_(X turns red)_

X: An!

AY: What?

X: I told you to watch what you're talking about!

AY: You brought it up first, so there was nothing wrong with it.

X: But-

AY: Don't you start.

_(X lowers his head)_

_(F shakes her head)_

F: Nothing sadder in this world than a guy pussywhipped **that** bad.

AG: No kidding.

K: I don't know, it's kind of fun to watch.

D: Oh it is. I enjoy helping Anya smack him at the appropriate times when she's counting money.

AY: She really is a great help. Thank you, Dawn. You are much more use to me than your sister.

_(B glowers)_

B: Oh, because saving your ex-demon hiney a hundred thousand times isn't good enough for you?

_(AY pauses)_

AY: Well you do nearly get me killed about more than half those times, and I **did** die that one time.

B: I died twice for you guys! **Twice**!

AY: Oh, so it's a contest now? Really, Buffy. That's dangerous. One day or another you might just die and stay dead, and that just wouldn't do.

F: Uh...yea. Let's try to stay alive. All of us.

AY: Yes, what a great idea, Faith. You are very smart, I don't understand why these people thought you were a psychopathic murder-crazy slut who is an idiot back in the day. I never thought that.

_(F quirks an eyebrow at the rest of them)_

_(They look sheepish)_

F: Thanks An. That's why you're my best friend, right?

AY: Exactly.

_(W says meekly)_

W: So Giles! About that...that question that has to do with the loving and s-stuff!

G: Er...right. I believe it's been a couple years.

_(F groans)_

F: I could **never** in my life do that.

_(X is curious)_

X: Who with?

_(G flushes)_

G: I believe her name was Ms. Julie Gates.

F: What's up with you and all the J names?

_(G stammers)_

_(B pales)_

_(D puts hands over her ears)_

B: Let's not bring that up.

D: I **still** can't believe it. I can't believe you and Mom...

_(C actually looks surprised)_

C: Are you serious? Damn. I'm slightly impressed.

D: AUGH!

Me: ...well okay then! Going on to the next individual question! Oh look, it's a comment. This one's for...Angel!

_(C waves a tiny flag and speaks in monotone)_

C: Whoo hoo. Go Angel.

AG: Could you be any more sarcastic?

C: Probably, but go receive your comment, big guy.

Me: Alright, this one is from Tweak, who comments...

_(drum roll)_

**"Ok...you SERIOUSLY claim to be straight...yet you have a love for Manilow and various power ballads...fess up dude, you're about as straight as a U-turn."**

_(Everyone except AY and AG snigger)_

_(AY is confused)_

AY: But U-turns aren't very straight at all.

X: Exactly, An.

C: I've **so** always wondered about the Manilow.

F: Man I spent a couple days laughing about that whole karaoke deal after he told me about it!

_(B is curious)_

B: What did he sing?

_(F & C glance at each other)_

F & C: Mandy.

_(B raises eyebrows, then turns to AG)_

B: Angel?

_(AG cringes)_

AG: Buffy?

B: You're gay.

_(Pause)_

B: I'm very sorry I didn't notice when we were dating.

AG: I'm not gay!

S: Oh it's alright, mate. I'm sure there are plenty of gay vampires out there somewhere. Or if you're still into fucking mortals...

F: You're one to talk.

_(S is indignant)_

S: I'm not a sodding fag! Do I have to prove it to you?

B: Uh, **no** proving, thanks.

_(AY starts laughing)_

AY: I get it! As straight as a U-turn...haha! That's so funny, because it's an irony **and** an oxymoron!

W: She's so good at math, but English...

G: At the least we all...**understand** her somewhat.

K: Yea...'somewhat'.

Me: Well, Kennedy, you're actually up next!

K: Goody me.

Me: From MoSwAgGz, who would like to ask...

_(drum roll)_

**"Do you have any fantasies about Willow that you would like to share?"**

_(W flushes)_

W: Don't you dare!

_(F grins)_

_(So does K)_

F: Spill all, Ken.

K: Well I would, if I could.

X: What do you mean?

K: All my fantasies?

_(Everyone nods)_

_(K leans in with a Chesire Cat grin)_

K: No longer fantasies.

D: That's it. You're paying for half of my therapy fund.

K: Hell no I'm not.

D: Yes you are!

K: Okay, if **someone** needs therapy, it's me, for having to hear about your **threesome** back in college!

_(D grumbles)_

D: Yea yea, just bring that up, why don't you?

K: I will, and I did!

Me: Going on then! Cordelia, I believe you're next.

_(This time, AG waves the tiny flag)_

AG: Whoo hoo. Go Cordelia.

C: Har har. Asshole. Go snag someone else's lines.

AG: At this point in my life, I'm not going for originality. It's a wonder I can walk and that I still have my hair.

_(AG grins)_

_(C rolls eyes)_

C: Whatever. What's the question?

Me: From MoSwAgGz again, who asks you...

_(drum roll)_

**"Have you ever had fantasies about Faith and if so what were they?"**

C: Um yea. Who **hasn't** had fantasies about Faith? Honestly?

_(Cue crickets)_

C: Exactly.

_(X begins to drool)_

_(S looks just as eager)_

S: And it was...?

C: Well there was one where we were at this club...

_(B glares at S)_

B: Keep it in your pants, or I'll make Angel rape you.

_(AG looks horrified)_

_(So does S)_

AG: I would **never** do that. Why? Because I'm **not** gay!

S: I'm fucking glad you aren't, mate! I'd have to kill you if you tried.

AG: Like you could.

S: I bloody well could!

AG: Sure, whatever you say, Spike.

_(S scowls)_

C: ...and that leather dildo was involved...

_(X drools)_

_(F tries not to)_

_(B pouts)_

S: It's really not that hard, just stab you through with a sodding sword, and I'll win.

C: ...and that's it.

_(X collapses with a dreamy look)_

_(AY nods approvingly)_

_(W is flushing)_

_(K is smirking)_

_(G holds his book up to cover his red face)_

_(D looks slightly petrified and intrigued at the same time)_

_(S & AG look upset for missing the story)_

_(B is scowling)_

_(F is grinning)_

F: Damn. We're just **wild** in your fantasies, huh, C?

_(B pouts)_

B: Look what you did! Now I have to work twice as hard to be wild-ER than I already am!

C: Oh please, you are so vanilla it's not even cute.

_(B lunges)_

_(C takes off her shoes)_

_(F looks on with interest)_

F: You sure you don't want to spend money for that video camera, An?

AY: I'm sure, Faith.

_(B lets out a war cry and body slams C)_

_(AY eyes widen)_

AY: Or maybe it'd be a good investment.

X: Sweet! Catfight documentaries!

D: No copies will be made for you, Xander.

_(X sniffles)_

Me: Well...let's get on, shall we? I suppose Buffy and Cordelia are slightly busy, so it's a good thing we got them over with. Let's see...ah here we go. Faith, you're up.

F: Sweet. Bring it.

Me: Alright. Faith, QuitersxNeverxWin would like to know, and Buffy you may want to pay attention for this...

_(drum roll)_

**"What was the most romantic thing you've done for Buffy?"**

F: Other than save her life a couple times?

W: I think they mean in typical, normal situations, Faith.

F: Oh. Right. Well, it was our anniversary, and I really wasn't sure what I wanted to do, but I thought about it, and I decided to set up a nice dinner in the mess hall. So I got everybody to stay off the first floor, I had Red and Cordy help decorate the place with the candles. I went out, got a rose, some dinner stuff and some great wine and got ready for the show to start. I had a gift for her too, but I'll get to that later.

_(Pause)_

F: So I hired Xan-man to be the waiter, and I hired the girls to do the cooking while Squirt kept B busy outside with "sister hang-out day". So when B got home, she was kind of cranky, and she totally forgot about our anniversary, which was the point, so that I could surprise her. I told her to take a nap and whatever, and she just grumbled and took a shower and slept for an hour or so. While she was sleeping, and B's a heavy sleeper when she's tired, I tied a blindfold around her eyes and woke her up.

_(Another pause)_

F: She was all, "Faith, what are you doing? I'm tired, I want to sleep." But I got her up, led her out the house and to the school, where the candlelit area was waiting. Then I sat her down and took off the blindfold and said, "Happy Anniversary, baby!" Then she started doing that girly crying-

_(B comes back with messy hair and torn clothes)_

B: You were crying, too!

F: Just a tear. Anyways so she was crying and I was telling her that I loved her and that I just wanted to do something nice for our anniversary, that I hoped she liked it, and she start wailing and says she's so happy, and then she stops, looks at me, then starts crying again, saying, "I'm not even dressed right!" And I had to calm her down about it. Then we ate and laughed and danced, and they guys were all great with the service, and afterwards I gave her two gifts.

W: Oh it was so cute!

D: Yea, I didn't even know Faith was capable of being so sweet.

_(AY nudges X)_

AY: You should take notes.

_(X is sheepish)_

F: I got her a silver chain, cause B's not all fancy shmancy with the pendants, and the other present was a little silly-

B: She got me a replica of Mr. Gordo!

_(B beams)_

Audience: Aww!

_(AG is impressed)_

AG: That **is** really good.

S: No wonder she went for the girl and not us.

C: She's a lot more thoughtful than you give her credit for.

F: I'm not so good at it, but I wanted to try for B.

Me: Oh that's just so sweet!

_(B sniffles)_

B: She really is.

F: Thanks.

Me: Well, time for your next question, from Jinxgirl, is...

_(drum roll)_

**"What, other than being sent to Hell, was the worst thing that ever happened to you, and how did you react to it?"**

F: Easy. I was led to believe that Buffy didn't care or love me. Twice.

_(X frowns)_

X: That, actually kind of makes me really depressed.

F: You think **you **were depressed?

W: Both were good examples of the toughest of the tough times.

G: Most strenuous for the all of us, truly. Most of the issues brought up in the first time could've been avoided, but I'm afraid we were all still busy being rather full of ourselves.

_(B turns a little pink)_

B: Not the best of my times as a Slayer. I promise, I did have my moments.

K: How many, the both times that you died?

_(B scowls)_

F: Lay off, Ken. B can be a bitch but everything she does means well.

AY: Only sometimes, the other times are often selfish human means.

_(X stutters)_

X: An!

AY: What? It's true enough for you and Willow and Giles, too.

_(W flushes)_

_(G clears throat)_

_(X pales)_

_(B rolls eyes)_

Me: Alrighty then, we have two more questions for Faith from LIGHT. It Burns Us. And they are...

_(drum roll)_

**"What's the worst pick up line you've ever heard?"**

**"What do you first notice about someone?"**

F: Pick up lines, huh?

_(W giggles)_

W: Ooh, Faith! I've bet you've heard some pretty bad ones!

C: And some nasty ones.

D: And incredibly cheesy ones.

X: And tell us which ones actually worked!

S: Do tell.

_(AG just nods)_

K: Freak-asses.

AY: I couldn't have put it any better than that.

F: There was one where I grabbed the guy by the throat and tossed him over the counter.

_(X grabs G's notebook and pulls out a pen)_

G: Isn't that **my** pen?

AY: It's his now. It was the thing I had for him.

F: Asshole comes up to me holding a wad of cash and says, "Should I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?"

_(All guys make an ouch face)_

X: Ooh. That's...bad.

S: Godawful. What a bloody fool.

AG: Hope you kicked his ass.

G: I'd have done it.

F: Don't worry. I smashed his face in with my **finished** Jack D's bottle.

_(K high fives F)_

K: Good going.

C: He deserved it, for sure.

B: How dare he compare you to a prostitute! I'd have killed him.

D: And I'd...just slap him.

W: And I'd tear him limb from limb!

_(Everyone stares)_

W: Without lifting a finger!

AY: I hope you took the money anyway.

F: Oh I did. What's a couple stray punches for a hundred bucks?

K: What about some cheesy ones?

F: I never get really cheesy ones. Those are usually set aside for the girls who look like they shouldn't be in a raunchy bar. But I guess there were couple of times when a guy would come up to me and wrap an arm around my shoulder and say, "Hey babe, are you ready to go home?"

_(X scribbles)_

F: Another funny one was, "Your face or mine?"

_(D makes a face)_

D: Ewwwww.

S: That is actually hilarious.

F: I thought so.

_(Pause)_

F: Guess who used it on me?

_(Everyone stares)_

K: No **way**.

_(B blushes furiously)_

B: I was drunk!

_(W shakes her head)_

W: Oh Buffy.

_(X writing aloud)_

X: "Your face or mine" should be used when one is a lesbian.

Me: Well that's an interesting idea. Thank you, Faith. Now the next question, which was:

**"What do you first notice about someone?"**

F: Physical looks, of course.

B: Then subconsciously she gauges just how well they could keep up with her in bed.

_(F mocks being insulted)_

F: I can't help it, B! It's just the way I am.

AY: Yes, Buffy, kind of like most to all of us can't help wondering what Faith is like in bed.

G: Oh good heavens.

_(G decides to wander away)_

B: No wondering. She's good, that's it.

_(C smirks)_

C: Just 'good'? She looks **fantastic** from over here, Buffy.

_(F winks)_

_(B slaps her on the arm)_

F: Ow!

B: No winking! You don't get to wink at her! And you!

_(B points at C)_

B: Stop baiting her!

W: Actually, Buffy, I think you're the one she's baiting...

B: Whose side are you on?!

K: Best to just back away, baby. Buffy's gonna blow again.

F: Oh I hope so.

_(B & C start circling each other)_

F: An?

AY: Alright, alright, we'll order the video camera tonight.

Me: While that's going on...again, there are questions for our couples and pairs. Buffy and Faith, Willow and Kennedy, Xander and Anya, Angel and Spike-

S: We're **not** a bloody couple!

Me: -Kennedy and Cordelia. Wonderful.

F: Ken and Cor?

_(X starts drooling)_

_(K smacks him)_

K: Stop thinking about it. Now.

X: I'll try, but I can't promise anything!

Me: We'll start with Jinxgirl's question, which is for Buffy/Faith, Willow/Kennedy, Xander/Anya, and Angel/Spike. The question is...

_(drum roll)_

**"What is the sweetest thing you've ever done for each other?"**

Me: Oh, and something she said about Angel and Spike:

**"...Angel/Spike (who I insist have some gay tendecies)..."**

S & AG: We're not gay!

_(Everyone ignores them)_

F: Well you've already heard my sweetest thing. Sweetest thing B's ever done for me, other than save my life, is night she really made me believe she loved me. It was the beginnings of our relationship and I just didn't really think she **love** loved me, so I thought all she wanted was a piece of my ass.

S: Which just about everybody wouldn't mind having.

K: Shut up, homo.

_(S flips K off)_

_(K catches it and puts it in her pocket)_

F: But she stopped me and told me she wasn't going to fuck me, cause she didn't want me to think that.

_(B returns with a limp)_

_(C returns with a bloody lip)_

B: I just couldn't think of a way to show her that I loved her, and I knew if I just kept fucking her, she'd believe I was just there for the physical. So I decided it'd be better for the both of us if we just took it slow, and eventually she got it.

F: It was the best thing she's done for me.

Audience: Aww!

D: Is that **all** they say? Aww?

Me: Well what else are they going to say? Boo?

D: Good point.

Me: Alright. Willow and Kennedy?

_(K squeezes W's hand gently)_

_(W smiles)_

K: Sweetest thing Willow's ever done for me is being my strength when I lost my best...

_(K catches AY's glare)_

K: ...I mean one of my closest friends. She stood by me, loved me, believed in me, and even brought her back.

W: And the sweetest thing Kennedy's ever done for me is being my kite string. All the time, especially through all the hard times.

Audience: Aww!

D: Yea, yea. Whatever.

F: Feeling a little left out of the love train, Squirt?

_(D scowls)_

D: Shove it up your ass, Faith.

B: Dawn. Language.

_(D pouts)_

Me: Well then...Xander and Anya?

X: Sweetest thing? Heck that's easy. Loving me even after I hurt her.

AY: You are pretty lucky. I wouldn't have done that for just anyone.

X: I know, hon. I know.

C: And what's the other way around?

AY: His reaction to my return, of course. He waited on me hand and foot, it was great.

W: Oh yea, I remember. With the laundry, dish-washing, room cleaning, cat feeding-

AY: We don't have cats.

W: Right, just...making a point, I guess.

Me: And lastly, our very own 'not' gay pair, Angel and Spike!

S: Get the blasted truth into your sodding minds! I am **not** gay!

A: Neither am I. I have nothing against the gays, I'm just not gay.

_(C gives AG a look)_

_(D gives S a similar look)_

C: Manilow?

D: The hair?

_(AG frowns)_

_(S scowls)_

Me: I guess that means you're not answering the question?

_(S shouts and flails his arms)_

S: There's nothing to bloody answer!

AY: You don't have to be so damn loud. We're all right here.

_(S grumbles)_

Me: Well while we're on the topic, xXAngel of fireXx has a comment for you two...

_(drum roll)_

**"Sorry, but you guys are so fruity that if they stuck a 2 x 4 up your asses you guys would be popsicles."**

_(AG growls)_

AG: I'll stick a 2 x 4 up **your **ass-

S: -so fucking far you'll be seeing stars!

F: Hey, hey! Ease off, boys. Just because you like it up the ass doesn't mean everybody does.

S: Why I oughta-

K: Oh shut your trap.

_(AG just lets out a sigh of defeat)_

_(S scowls some more)_

Me: And now, for Kennedy and Cordelia.

_(W quirks an eyebrow)_

W: Kennedy...and **Cordelia**?

Me: Um...yes, that's what this says.

W: Hmm. Interesting.

_(X nudges W)_

X: Getting jealous?

W: I think I might be.

Me: From MoSwAgGz, who asks...

_(drum roll)_

**"Have you ever thought of hooking up with each other?"**

_(K & C glance at each other)_

C: Nope.

K: Not in particular.

_(W lets out sigh of relief)_

F: Seriously? Not once?

K: I've been with Willow the whole time. I'm not much interested in anyone else, even if Cordy's very sexy.

C: And although she's a hottie, I only have my eyes for one brunette.

_(C winks at F)_

_(B narrows eyes)_

Me: Okay then, since that theory's been kicked off the list, we have one more question for Buffy and Faith from Tweak. And it is...

_(drum roll)_

**"Where's the other persons ticklish spot?"**

_(B pouts)_

_(F smirks)_

B: Faith is a loser and doesn't have a ticklish spot.

F: And B's ticklish on the sides, this weirdass spot on her stomach, and even lower down under-

_(B clamps hand over F's mouth)_

B: On my...feet! That's right, you got me, I'm just super ticklish on my feet. Yep! With the tickling and laughing and funniness all around...

_(Cue crickets and stares except AY, who looks confused)_

K: Uh...huh.

_(B turns pink)_

C: Well that's...cute.

D: In an entirely I-so-need-therapy way.

F: Hey, well, now you have blackmail material.

D: Not now that it's been exposed to the world!

F: Oh yea.

_(B groans)_

_(W pats her back)_

W: It's okay. My girlfriend embarrasses me, too.

_(K is doing a disco dance with X)_

W: Like I said.

_(S & AG are arguing about something)_

S: I'm right!

AG: No, you're wrong! I'm the one that's right!

_(C shakes her head)_

C: Gay fights.

S & AG: We're **not** gay!

_(G is trying to push past the security guards)_

G: I just need to...if you would excuse me...pardon me, sir...I just...sir...?

_(B & F make out on the couch)_

_(AY tilts her head in confusion)_

AY: I still don't get it.

Me: Well that's it for today, all! Thanks for your questions and reviews, please leave some more, and have a good evening!

_(Ending theme)_


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey! So I finally got around to finishing this one. Sorry it took so long! **

**Alright, so first notice: Please only leave 3 questions in the box! And when you do, if you could also leave a review as well, that would be great, thanks!  
**

**Second notice: Please check out my newest fic, Dirty Little Secret. It's not humor; it's much more...real and dark, but I did work hard on it, so I find it in my right to promote it. It's updated everyday, and it's not long at all. So, go read and REVIEW. **

**Enjoy and review!**

* * *

_(Opening theme)_

F: Hey, welcome to this...show thing, blah blah blah blah, let's get moving.

Me: Thank you, Faith. That was very...thoughtful of you.

F: Well, introductions make me impatient. Besides, it's taken you this long to get this crap up.

Me: Excuse me for having a life, Faith. Goodness, I'll try not to make it a habit.

_(F crosses arms)_

F: Good. I've got my eye on you.

Me: Oh you joker, since when? Both of your eyes are always on Buffy! You two are the cutest couple. Ever.

_(B & F smile)_

B: Aw you are too sweet.

F: Yea. Thanks a lot.

Me: Of course. Now there's a lot of questions, so let's get started!

_(Everyone cheers, sort of)_

Me: Smashing. Buffy, as always, you go first. I know you don't particularly like it, but-

B: No, no, it's fine. It's been such a longass time that it's fun to be able to start this off, so let's bring it on!

_(Everyone really cheers)_

Me: I guess you're all excited that the show's back; it's been...somewhat on hold for a bit, and I blame it all on the producer/director's friends. Anyways, Buffy questions! From She's Hearing Voices...

_(drum roll)_

**"Any weird habits you have that drives Faith bonkers?"**

_(F scoffs)_

F: You have no fucking idea, man.

Me: From ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"On a scale from 1-10, how pussy-whipped is Faith?"**

_(Everyone except F smirks)_

_(F scowls)_

W: WAY off the radar.

K: Like 100.

X: Make it 200.

D: Enough to make my therapy bill triple.

F: Assholes.

Me: From Obsidian Twilight...

_(drum roll)_

**"C'mon.. Seriously? Considering that you went all gaga over Xander during your Cave-Slayer phase, can you honestly say that you wouldn't love some hot, sexy, primal loving from Cave-Faith?"**

X: Hey! That's a good point!

_(F quirks an eyebrow)_

F: Never was given the whole details of that incident.

_(B flushes)_

B: No comment!

Me: From FallenSoldier15...

_(drum roll)_

**"Hey Buff, didn't you really hate it when you're mother was all protective of you and smothered you? Because that's exactly what you're doing to Dawn."**

D: Ha! There you go, Buffy!

B: And yet, that didn't stop Mom, now did it?

_(D pouts and crosses arms)_

D: You suck.

_(F winks)_

F: And I love it **every** time.

_(D runs screaming)_

_(F turns to B)_

F: Was it something I said?

_(B shrugs)_

B: Maybe, I don't know when you're being inappropriate anymore.

G: I believe that goes for all of you.

Me: Anyways, going on. Buffy? First question:

**"Any weird habits you have that drives Faith bonkers?"**

C: Well hell, I'm sure we can all think of at least 5 things each that she does to drive all of us bonkers.

_(B gives C the stink eye)_

F: I'll list a few for ya. She steals the covers, she nibbles on her food like a fricking hamster, she still can't drive worth shit-

B: Oh yea? Well you've got your own bad habits too! You snore, you hog all the food, you still smoke-

F: She runs up the phone bill and maxes out our cards with all that shopping-

B: You stay out too late, you never pick up your socks-

_(The others continue to watch them like a tennis match)_

F: She can't ever take a fucking joke, she takes half the day in the bathroom preparing **for** the day-

B: You flirt with everyone, you take better care of your boots than the house-

F: And then she uses up half the day complaining **about** the day-

B: You always want to have sex-

F: She- what?! Back up, that is **so** not a bad habit!

B: I know, I just ran out of bad habits.

F: Oh.

_(Pause)_

_(F grins sheepishly)_

F: Me too.

B: I love you.

F: I love **you**, B.

_(Everybody else groans)_

_(D grumbles)_

D: They just can't get a freaking room like civilized people, can they?

C: Hate to break it to you, but Slayers are about as far from civilized as you can get. Human-wise. Don't even get me started on vampires.

_(AG & S begin to protest)_

AG: I'm **very** civilized, thank you very much.

S: Goes for me too, pet.

K: Sure, is that why you come home some nights smelling like piss and puke?

_(S jabs a finger towards her)_

S: Listen, even all the civilized bints have those bloody nights!

X: Excuses, excuses!

Me: So before this goes off into a fight, Buffy, please move on to your next question:

**"On a scale from 1-10, how pussy-whipped is Faith?"**

_(Everyone except F laughs again)_

K: Did I already say she was flying off the scale?

_(F scowls)_

F: Yea, yea, we got it, you little-

_(K continues to cackle)_

K: I mean she's definitely over 100!

W: Maybe even over 500.

D: Oh please. She easily beats 1000.

_(AY looks confused)_

AY: I don't get how you could go over a scale that already has a limit. I mean, that's literally impossible.

_(Everyone stares at her funny)_

W: You know, that's your problem. You're just too...literal.

AY: Well what else could I be? Metaphorical? I wouldn't even exist!

_(B clears throat)_

B: I'd say about an 8.5. She's not completely whipped, but it's very close.

_(F grumbles)_

B: What's that, Faith?

_(F smiles sweetly)_

F: Nothing, B.

_(X coughs into his hand)_

X: Pussy-whipped!

_(F flips X off)_

Me: Next question for Buffy:

**"C'mon.. Seriously? Considering that you went all gaga over Xander during your Cave-Slayer phase, can you honestly say that you wouldn't love some hot, sexy, primal loving from Cave-Faith?"**

F: Again, what **exactly** went on?

B: Nothing at all, Faith. Just stupid Cave-Slayer stuff. You know.

_(F crosses arms)_

F: No, I **don't** know, actually. Enlighten me.

_(B laughs nervously)_

B: Erm...no comment?

F: B!

B: It was an honest mistake! Xander is definitely not on my sex radar, anywhere!

AY: Hey!

X: I believe that's my 'hey'. Hey!

B: What I mean is that you're like a brother, and getting all wriggly with a brother is way ew, and **no**, I wouldn't like 'hot, sexy, primal loving' from a Cave-Faith, because I get that from **my** Faith.

F: She sure does!

AY: And as happy as I am for Faith, being that we are best friends and I need to ensure her happiness, it really gets loud. They have more orgasms in one night than Xander and I do in one week!

_(D looks grossed out)_

D: Okay. WAY too much info.

G: Indeed.

W: Yea, Anya. All you need are earplugs!

AY: Well if you just soundproofed our rooms, there wouldn't be any problems!

W: I did. That's **after** I soundproofed.

_(AY looks impressed for once)_

AY: Well. In that case, Faith, my offer for sex stands.

B: Which she will **not** take.

C: Excuse me, but you're not Faith.

AY: She's right, Buffy. You really shouldn't try to control people like that all the time. No wonder all the younger Slayers always call you-

_(X claps hand over AY's mouth)_

X: Uh...interviewer person! Next question? Yes?

Me: Of course, Xander. Your last question/comment, Buffy:

**"Hey Buff, didn't you really hate it when you're mother was all protective of you and smothered you? Because that's exactly what you're doing to Dawn."**

B: I believe I already answered this.

AY: Again with the controlling.

K: That's Buffy for you. Geez, why do you have to be such a-

_(W claps hand over K's mouth)_

W: Okaaaay! I'm sure we all know that Buffy is just being a good sister and wanting to look out for Dawn and stuff.

D: It just gets really annoying, considering I **am** over the legal age.

B: I don't know how many times I have to say it, but Dawn, you're my little sister. I'm always going to want to protect you.

F: Yea, Squirt, just let her do what she feels is right. B loves you; we all do. Nobody wants anything to happen to you.

X: You're the resident baby sister!

_(D looks flattered, but scowls at X anyway)_

D: You call me a baby again and I'll take my baseball bat to your head!

_(X turns pale)_

S: Who in the bloody hell thought it was a good idea to give the Nibblet a fucking baseball bat?

AG: A steel one, at that.

F: Oh. My bad.

C: Of course it was you.

_(F shrugs)_

Me: Oh wait! Buffy, it seems you have two more questions from Lizzie Lehane, which just came in! It is...

_(drum roll)_

**"If Dawn was NOT your sister, would you consider going out with her? Weird question, I know, so, if it bothers you, don't answer. I understand. :)" **

**"Can you name three celebrities, male or female, that you'd have sex with?"**

_(B pales)_

B: Oh god.

D: Ewwwww!

X: That even grossed me out.

W: Which means, no, she would **not** consider going out with Dawn. Wow...

F: However, **I** would.

_(F grins and winks at D)_

_(C rolls eyes)_

C: You'd date anybody.

F: Nah. Just the hot ones.

Me: Go ahead and answer the second question, Buffy.

B: Hmm. Well first choice is Brad Pitt.

F: What?! That blond piece of junk?

B: He's a classic choice!

C: She's right. You weren't really around Cali for the Brad Pitt craze.

F: Ugh. Don't tell me Red was in on this, too?

W: Well...

_(F throws up hands)_

F: That's it. You're all done.

_(B pats F's arm)_

B: Anyways, second choice is Heath Ledger.

F: Okay, I approve of him. He made the best Joker **ever**.

_(X squeals)_

X: OH MY GOD YES!

AY: Great. Now you've got him started.

X: That was the best acting I've ever seen and did you see how he handled that laugh and his make up was absolutely-

B: And my last pick would be Eliza Dushku.

F: Rawr, she's a fox.

C: You only say that cause the resemblance between you two is uncanny.

F: Like I said; she's a fox.

_(F winks)_

Me: I believe we shall have Giles next, since we haven't heard him speak too much.

G: Me?

Me: Is there another Giles around?

_(G flushes and stammers)_

Me: Exactly, my good sir. Now, the first question is from QuitersxNeverxWin...

_(drum roll)_

**"So what's the craziest thing you've come across out of all the books you read?"**

W: Oh there's lots of crazy things, kinda hard to pinpoint it down to one...

Me: From Tweak...

_(drum roll)_

**"How does one go from being an original member of Pink Floyd to being a librarian? Talk about major career change."**

F: Say fucking what?

S: I second that.

_(S turns to G)_

S: Say what?!

G: Actually I don't-

Me: A comment from Lizzie Lehane...

_(drum roll)_

**"I find these questions amusing, but I do feel really sorry that you have to hear all of this along with the sometimes less-than-appropriate answers. Wish I could get you out of there, man! :)"**

_(G sighs)_

G: I do wish you could get me out of here as well, dear.

F: Oh come on, G. It's a regular old party in here!

K: Just because you're here doesn't make it a party, Faith.

F: Bite me, Kennedy.

K: Sorry, that's reserved for one dame only.

_(K winks)_

_(F rolls eyes)_

Me: So Mr. Giles, if you would start off with the first question:

**"So what's the craziest thing you've come across out of all the books you read?"**

G: Ah well, they're all a bit off the wall, I'm afraid. There's not a particular one I can think of that pops into my head at the moment-

W: What about that one about the gay demons? Remember we had a few conspiracy theories about that?

B: Gay demons?

D: Yea, it was just me and Giles and Willow when we found it. Apparently there are these demons whose spit literally has some sort of hormone that causes people to have a sexual craving for those of the same sex.

_(Crickets)_

F: So I guess there really **was** something in the water.

D: That's what I said.

G: But that, of course, isn't the case. Those demons have been extinct since the 16th century. They weren't even natural. A religious man with some magic found it necessary to conjure these demons as a punishment for sinners. This way, anybody affected would be caught and either burned at the stake or beheaded.

_(Everyone cringes)_

S: Bloody religious fanatics.

C: You're telling me.

K: Bet he was a Jesus freak.

B: Hey now, we have to be respectful of these religions-

F: Oh fuck it. Who cares? Religion fucks things up, period.

Me: Er...these comments do not reflect the opinions of the author and are solely the thoughts of the characters-

F: Shut it, Lost. You know you think religion is bullshit.

Me: Ah...I...no comment?

_(F grins)_

F: S'what I thought.

Me: Well, Giles, next question, then:

**"How does one go from being an original member of Pink Floyd to being a librarian? Talk about major career change."**

F: Okay wait a minute. I knew about the Ripper and all that, but Pink Floyd? Since when?

G: Did I not tell you about that? I, erm, was a founding member.

F: Whoa. I totally missed that.

K: Apparently I missed something, too.

Me: Huh. Well I guess the point of the comment is to say it was a very big difference between being a bad boy to being a stiff upper-lip Watcher who worked under the guise of a librarian at a suburban California high school. Honestly, Mr. Giles. Jolly old, to Cali?

G: It wasn't easy, I can tell you that much.

W: Sheesh, we weren't **that** bad.

C: Really, we weren't. I know for a fact I wasn't.

X: Well I don't know about Cordelia but yea, we're pretty cool for boring, plain, American kids.

B: Even if we weren't exactly boring or plain.

_(Everyone else scoffs)_

S: Are you kidding? You bloody nuts were the only mortals that got under my skin long enough for me to honestly hate your flipping guts!

AG: Always complaining about one thing or another.

AY: So picky, too. And I thought some of the women I worked with had issues. Until I met you and your increasingly ridiculous modern-day, teenager problems.

K: And so fricking self-righteous. God!

_(F snorts)_

F: You're telling me. I got the worst of **that** medicine right there.

_(F uses mocking voice)_

F: 'We are the Scooby Gang, you can't be one of us, because Giles is not **your** Watcher, Willow isn't **your** best friend, Xander isn't **your** obsessive puppy-dog follower, and **you** aren't Buffy!'

B: Hey! We apologized for that!

F: Yea yea.

Me: Stepping off the bitter train, here, but your last comment, Giles:

**"I find these questions amusing, but I do feel really sorry that you have to hear all of this along with the sometimes less-than-appropriate answers. Wish I could get you out of there, man! :)"**

B: Oh please. He finds it just as amusing.

G: I beg your pardon?

X: Come on, Giles! I know you're laughing inside at all the inappropriate-ness!

K: You're the Dumbledore to Buffy's irritating Harry Potter.

B: Since when am I a conflicted teenage male?

AG: Since now, apparently.

_(AY looks curious)_

AY: Really? Buffy, are you now actually a male? Can I compare yours with Xander's?

_(Everyone stares at AY)_

AY: What? Did I say something wrong?

D: Shoot me now. Please.

F: Er...never mind, An.

AY: No, but really. Buffy-

B: I'm **not** a boy!

_(AY looks miffed)_

AY: Well you didn't have to yell. I'm right here.

Me: Alrighty then, the next receiver of questions and comments is Dawn! Are you ready, Dawn?

D: About as ready as I'll ever be.

Me: Good, cause it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

D: Hey!

Me: I'm joshing, now, first question is from She's Hearing Voices...

_(drum roll)_

**"Threesome huh? Very interesting...I can't remember if this has been discussed before, but if seems that everyone has some sort of crush on Faith (it IS Faith after all) but what about you? Any fantasies about the dark (haired) slayer?" **

_(D grumbles)_

D: What kind of a first question is that?

C: Very...to the point.

K: Kind of like you.

C: Exactly.

AG: Except less bitchy.

_(C glares)_

C: Stupid, brooding vampire.

Me: From Narutrix852...

_(drum roll)_

**"If you could get together with anyone of the group (including Faith, Angel, and Spike) who would it be and why? (Though Spike and Angel are clearly in the closet.)"**

S: What?! We bloody are **not**!

AG: Seriously, how many times do we have to say it?

G: I do believe it wouldn't matter. It seems everybody already thinks you are.

S: Bollocks.

AG: Fuck.

Me: Not on my show, you won't!

_(AG broods)_

_(S scowls)_

Me: A comment from FallenSoldier15...

_(drum roll)_

**"You're really cute with a rockin body. I sure hope you're really into chicks cause I'd make you mine and treat you like a queen."**

Audience: Whoo whoo!

_(D flushes)_

_(B narrows eyes)_

B: Not until she comes over for dinner!

D: Oh please, Buffy. I've had so many significant others that you don't know about.

W: Yea, but were any of them of the girl type?

_(D blushes)_

D: Maybe...?

Me: From Lizzie Lehane...

_(drum roll)_

**"That girl you met at Sunnydale High, Cassie Newton...you and her seemed to get along pretty well. Do you think, if she'd lived, you could've been close friends and could possibly have become more than that?"**

**"Hope the question I asked Buffy didn't bother you too much, Dawnie."**

C: Wait. Why does this girl get to give out more than three questions?

Me: She's a new fan and didn't get the notice in time. Don't worry, she knows now.

C: Oh.

Me: Go ahead and answer your first question, Dawn:

**"Threesome huh? Very interesting...I can't remember if this has been discussed before, but if seems that everyone has some sort of crush on Faith (it IS Faith after all) but what about you? Any fantasies about the dark (haired) slayer?"**

D: The threesome thing was mentioned a couple episodes back.

W: It was quite the eye-opening experience.

D: And about Faith...

S: Do tell all.

D: Yes to both questions about her.

_(B jumps up)_

B: I knew it! You had a crush on her ever since she arrived at Sunnydale!

_(D puts hands on hips)_

D: Oh yea? Well so did you! And look how well the denial thing worked out!

_(F puts hand on her stomach)_

F: Ick. Don't mention that again.

B: That couldn't be helped!

_(Silence)_

B: Okay fine. But you...!!

AY: Get over it, Buffy. Everybody wants to have multiple orgasms with Faith. It's a given.

F: Yea, B. Just be glad I'm with you and not them.

_(B sighs and sits down)_

B: I guess I'll deal.

Me: Next question:

**"If you could get together with anyone of the group (including Faith, Angel, and Spike) who would it be and why? (Though Spike and Angel are clearly in the closet.)"**

S: I still resent all of you sods for that.

AG: Because we're not gay.

K: Give it a fucking rest, twinkle fangs.

_(S lunges at K)_

_(G and X hold him back)_

S: I'll give you a pair of fangs, you little c-

_(AG clamps hand over S mouth)_

AG: Don't have to go **that **far. Sheesh.

D: Well anyways, not Buffy, since she's my sister. Not Willow, since she's like my aunt or something. Angel's my sister's ex, and he's got that whole soul curse. Giles, ew-

_(G massages temples)_

D: -Anya would be weird, Kennedy's a bitch-

K: Fuck you.

D: -Cordelia's the fun big sister-

_(C smirks at B)_

_(B frowns)_

D: -so that leaves Faith, Spike, and Xander.

W: You did always have a crush on Xander, too.

K: And the whole doting on Spike thing was pretty obvious.

B: And the hero-worship for Faith.

_(F & S & X share grins)_

X: Sweet, I'm an idol!

S: Oh please, you were the only male available to the poor kid.

F: Cause you're any better?

S: Shut it, Slayer.

F: Or what? Gonna kick my ass?

S: With a hand behind my bloody back.

F: Pfft. I'd like to see you try.

Me: Not here, I'm afraid. Later. Next comment:

**"You're really cute with a rockin body. I sure hope you're really into chicks cause I'd make you mine and treat you like a queen."**

F: Go Dawnie! Getting hot with the ladies, woo woo!

_(AY pokes X)_

AY: How come you never treat **me** like a queen?

_(AY turns to W & K) _

AY: Do all lesbians treat their girlfriends like queens? Maybe I should reconsider my sexuality.

X: Whoa! Hey! No leaving me behind, An!

S: Do it. I'm sure it'd be fun to watch the idiot crumble apart.

X: Shut it, peroxide.

Me: Going on! Next question:

**"That girl you met at Sunnydale High, Cassie Newton...you and her seemed to get along pretty well. Do you think, if she'd lived, you could've been close friends and could possibly have become more than that?"**

_(D looks sad)_

D: Sometimes I think about that. I don't know about something more, but I know we would've been really good friends. I didn't have a lot of those my age.

W: But you had us, right? We always loved you. Then and now and always.

X: Definitely, Dawnie! We love you!

B: We were always here for you.

G: You are a part of our odd little family, we did our best to protect you.

_(Cue crickets)_

AY: Wow, that wasn't corny at all.

S: For once, I think I'll have to agree with your sarcasm.

F: Yea, that was pretty...pretty 1970s TV show there. Or very Brady Bunch.

K: Well, you've got all the new Slayers now, several of them your age or younger.

C: All of them ridiculously needy.

F: But hot. You forgot hot.

_(C rolls eyes)_

C: How could I forget that?

Me: Yes, well, your last comment, Dawn:

**"Hope the question I asked Buffy didn't bother you too much, Dawnie."**

D: It did, but I guess a lot of these questions and answers kind of bother me in some way or another.

F: Don't kid yourself. You enjoy them as much as we do.

_(F winks)_

Me: Fantastic! Next up is Cordelia, I believe.

_(C crosses and uncrosses arms)_

C: Whoopee.

Me: You don't have to sound so unenthused.

_(C claps her hands)_

C: Whoopee!

AG: We get it, we get it. Just give her the questions.

Me: Alrighty. First question from Tweak...

_(drum roll)_

**"Would you ever consider getting down and dirty with Buffy if she wasn't always such a self righteous bitch? (Sorry B, you know its true)"**

B: I officially hate these people.

C: Egh. What kind of question is that?

_(F nudges a drooling X)_

F: Well, Xan-man and I don't mind the visual.

Me: Two from Obsidian Twilight...

_(drum roll)_

**"Imagine this scenario if you will. Faith turns into Cave-Slayer. You're the first person she sees, primal instincts, raging hormones and all. Do you a.) try and get her back to normal before Buffy kills you for touching her or b.) succumb to your desires as Cave-Faith tosses you over her shoulder, carrying you to a more private location to have her way with you? And please say that it's the latter."**

**"You certainly know how thoughtful Faith is, right? Let's just hypothetically say that you two were together. What kinda romantic thing would you expect from her on your anniversary together?"**

B: Are you **kidding** me?!

_(B turns to glare at F)_

B: **Why** do all these people want you to have a get together with Cordelia?!

_(F shrugs)_

F: I dunno, B. I guess a lot of these viewers have a thing for hot brunettes. Maybe you should dye your hair.

_(B slumps into chair and pouts)_

Me: And lastly, from Lizzie Lehane...

_(drum roll)_

**"Have you ever, at any point in time, wondered what it would be like to be with Buffy?"**

S: Sheesh, all these bloody morons want you to shack up with a Slayer, either way.

C: Well I hear it's a lot better than shacking up with a vampire.

AG: I resent that.

S: Fuck that. I resent **her**.

C: The feeling's mutual, Billy Idol.

_(S bares teeth at C)_

_(C ignores S)_

Me: Well go ahead and answer number one, Cordy:

**"Would you ever consider getting down and dirty with Buffy if she wasn't always such a self righteous bitch? (Sorry B, you know its true)"**

C: Ew. No. I mean, sure, she can be a tolerable person once in a while, and she **is** pretty-

F: Hell yea she is!

C: -but just...ew. No.

B: Gee, that does lots for my self esteem.

C: I'm sorry I'm into your girlfriend.

B: You stay **far **away from Faith! Faaaar, faaaar away!

F: Aw, come on, B. Me and Queen C are drinking mates whenever Spike-head's off on some vampire business.

B: Then find a new one!

_(F scowls)_

F: Fine. Hey Squirt, you wanna be my new drinking partner?

_(D smiles brightly)_

D: Sure!

B: No!

F: Too late!

_(D sticks out tongue at B)_

Me: Next question for Cordelia:

**"Imagine this scenario if you will. Faith turns into Cave-Slayer. You're the first person she sees, primal instincts, raging hormones and all. Do you a.) try and get her back to normal before Buffy kills you for touching her or b.) succumb to your desires as Cave-Faith tosses you over her shoulder, carrying you to a more private location to have her way with you? And please say that it's the latter."**

C: Oh please. I'm not afraid of Buffy. I mean, I'd try to help Faith get back to normal, cause it's not like I want to ruin anything, but hell if our hormones can't resist, who am I to stop them?

B: Great. Now I have to keep you on a leash?

G: Oh do get real, Buffy. There's hardly a chance of Faith turning into a Cave-Slayer.

W: Yea, Buff! Besides, if it **does** happen, for some unknown reason, we'll just...figure it out! No affair-like, cheating, Faith/Cordelia rendevouz going on, nope!

F: Well it can't be blamed on me!

B: Sure it can.

F: What? I can hardly help my hormones **now**, you expect I'll be able to handle them as a fricking Cave-Slayer? No go, Blondie.

C: I'll take the blame, Faith. It's not like I need to be on her good side, anyway.

AG: I guess that works.

AY: Or you could blame me.

S: I don't see how that works.

AY: Well it'd be much easier to blame someone who has no relation to it whatsoever, because then there's nobody to blame and the problem's solved!

_(Cue crickets)_

F: That is some fucked up logic, but I guess it works.

_(AY nods sagely)_

AY: It does. Trust me.

F: Oh, I do.

Me: Anyways, next:

**"You certainly know how thoughtful Faith is, right? Let's just hypothetically say that you two were together. What kinda romantic thing would you expect from her on your anniversary together?"**

F: I'm guessing this person has a thing for us together.

C: Not a bad choice, if I may say so myself.

AY: Of course it isn't. Both of you are attractive, dark-haired, fair skinned women with wonderful bodies. Anybody who doesn't think you two would be orgasmic together is an idiot.

_(Everyone stares at AY)_

_(S turns to X)_

S: Have you ever thought about getting a muzzle?

X: No, but I might have to.

_(AY looks confused)_

AY: For what? We don't have a dog. Are we getting one?

X: Ah, never mind, An.

C: Well, I guess I don't know what to expect. Faith is pretty unpredictable when it comes to surprises.

F: That I am.

G: Though I'm not particularly sure that it's a good thing.

K: Probably not.

F: Screw you.

K: You wish.

F: Pfft. **You** wish I wish.

K: Oh yea? Well **you** wish I wis-

_(W clamps hand over K's mouth)_

W: I think we're all going to have to get muzzles. Shopping time!

D: Yay! We can use Giles' unlimited account!

G: Oh bother.

Me: Uh...going on?

W: Oh, right! Continue.

Me: Thank you. Cordelia, your final question:

**"Have you ever, at any point in time, wondered what it would be like to be with Buffy?"**

C: Way too similar to the first one, and no.

_(X looks surprised)_

X: Not even once?

_(C pauses)_

C: Maybe once, but really, it wasn't like...amazing or anything.

B: Well sheesh. It wouldn't be all that great to be with you, either, so hmmph.

F: Aw, is my baby insulted?

K: Geesh. Get a fucking room.

_(B shakes fist at K)_

B: If Faith wants to comfort me, she can comfort me wherever the hell she wants!

F: Dang, you're sexy when you're demanding.

D: Which is like, all the freaking time!

_(F winks at D)_

F: Which means she's sexy all the time, then.

D: Gross.

W: I think it's sweet.

AG: You would.

W: Hey, what's that mean?

AG: Nothing, I'm just saying that you would.

_(W eyes AG suspiciously)_

_(AG puts up his hands in defense)_

AG: Honest, I'm just remarking!

Me: Next up is Anya! So let's see, your first question is from jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"Has anyone ever embarrassed YOU? How?"**

S: Good question.

Me: From xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"Bunnies have taken over the world what do you do? Hide or go all Rambo on their asses?"**

_(AY shudders)_

AY: Bunnies...evil, twitchy creatures...

Me: And from Lizzie Lehane...

_(drum roll)_

**"Not to sound rude, but I kinda thought you'd matured beyond taking what people say so literally..."**

_(AY puts hands on hips)_

AY: I think that person is trying to tell me that I'm stupid.

X: Er, more like stating a harmless comment.

Me: So, first question, Anya:

**"Has anyone ever embarrassed YOU? How?"**

AY: Of course not.

S: Are you sure?

AY: Yes.

S: Are you lying?

AY: Maybe.

S: So tell us the sodding story.

AY: Well I wasn't really embarrassed. It was just an embarrassing situation.

_(D is wide-eyes)_

D: What happened?

_(AY sighs)_

AY: A wish backfired.

_(Everyone winces)_

K: Ouch.

F: Too bad.

G: Quite unfortunate.

W: **So** of the bad.

S: Bollocks.

_(AG shakes head)_

C: Egh.

B: Definitely not of the good.

_(D makes a face)_

_(X nods)_

X: Heard this story once. It's the one that ended with the guy falling madly in love with you, right?

_(AY shudders)_

AY: He was a bunny breeder.

_(Everyone gasps)_

AY: And he had warts all over from the first half of the wish.

D: What was the second half?

AY: He was supposed to fall in love with his bunnies.

K: Did you eventually fix it?

AY: Yes, I had him castrated and hung up by his intestines.

_(Everyone makes face)_

_(AY smiles happily)_

AY: Problem solved!

_(B turns to X)_

B: And you're married to her?

_(X shrugs sheepishly)_

X: Surprise?

Me: That was interesting. Well, Anya, your next question:

**"Bunnies have taken over the world what do you do? Hide or go all Rambo on their asses?"**

AY: Hide of course. You really think I would be out in the open where all the bunnies are? Hell to the no.

X: That's Anya. Fearless in the face of evil-

AY: Except bunnies.

X: Right. Except bunnies.

_(C quirks an eyebrow)_

C: Which are clearly evil.

AY: Exactly. You see, Xander? Cordelia understands.

F: Don't worry, An. I'd blow them all up for ya.

AY: Why thank you, Faith! This is why we are best friends.

F: Of course it is.

B: Right. So...next question? Comment? Thing?

Me: Yes, thank you, Buffy. Your last comment, Anya, is:

**"Not to sound rude, but I kinda thought you'd matured beyond taking what people say so literally..."**

AY: Oh please. You think these reviewers would find me funny if I didn't take things literally? And besides, it'd been my job to take things literally for 1120 years!

G: We understand, Anya. It is quite difficult to change certain ways of life that have been inculcated within us since birth.

AY: Exactly.

X: The British understand all.

K: I thought the Asians understood all.

G: Both are founding cultures of fascinating philosophies-

Everyone: Shut up, Giles.

_(G scowls, cleans glasses, and mutters)_

G: Blasted kids nowadays.

Me: Alright Kennedy, you're up now. First from xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"Who was your first girl?"**

F: Ooh, nice nice.

Me: From Lizzie Lehane...

_(drum roll)_

**"When you and Willow first started out, did you ever feel as if you had to somehow measure up to Tara?" **

**"How'd you figure out you were a lesbian?"**

K: Okay, these people ask the most uncomfortable questions. Ever.

AG: At least it shows they're observant.

K: Yea yea, whatever.

AG: Besides, it's really just the second ques-

K: Will you shut your gay-ass mouth?

_(AG scowls)_

Me: Goodness, Kennedy. Are you feeling okay?

F: Seriously, Ken. Someone shove a handful of nails up your ass or something?

W: She's on her period.

Everyone: Ah.

_(K mutters incoherently)_

Me: So, Kennedy, first question:

**"Who was your first girl?"**

K: Um...this chick I knew in grade school. We weren't technically girlfriends, but we knew we liked each other and stuff. We'd play everyday and have sleepovers and stuff. Cute, little kid stuff. I'd say she was my first girl, just cause I knew I liked her first. Kind of figured it out that I was into girls and not guys when I was with her.

F: Any cute smooches?

K: I got her a valentine card once and she gave me a quick peck on the lips when nobody was looking.

Everyone: Aww!

W: That's precious, even if it's your first girl we're talking about.

B: That really is adorable.

K: Thanks Buffy, you're okay. Sometimes.

B: I guess I'll take what I can get. You're alright on occasion, too.

F: Hey Red, it looks like our girls are learning to get along like we did!

W: It just took them longer than we did.

B & K: Take what you can get!

_(F & W just grin)_

Me: So your second question:

**"When you and Willow first started out, did you ever feel as if you had to somehow measure up to Tara?" **

_(K looks nervous)_

_(W squeezes her hand)_

W: It's okay, baby, just be honest.

K: Um...okay, well. Yes, I did.

S: I get that. Had to live in Buffy's ex's shadows for a bit there.

B: Who, Riley?

_(S snorts)_

S: Please. That sodding waste of air didn't count! I meant Peaches over here.

F: Hey man, I had the worst of it. Had to live up to you, Riley, **and** Angel!

B: Not that you really ever had to. You just felt like you did.

F: You never make anything easy, B.

_(K clears throat)_

F: Oh, sorry Ken. Go on.

K: Anyways, yea, I know Tara's been gone and Willow had been busy, but sometimes it felt like Willow's friends resented me for not being Tara. And even Willow, too. Only person who didn't know was Faith, which was another reason why we got along so well.

F: Still do.

W: Baby, you know I never wanted to make you feel like you had to live up to what Tara meant to me!

K: But you **loved** her, Wills. I just wanted you to love me, too.

W: I do! But it's different, because you two are different people. I will always love Tara, but I will always love you, too.

_(K smiles and kisses W)_

K: Thanks babe.

W: Anytime.

F: **Now** who needs to get a room?

D: Seriously.

AY: You could use the bathroom, I don't think anybody's using it.

K: Uh, no thanks.

Me: Okie dokes, last question for you, Kennedy:

**"How'd you figure out you were a lesbian?"**

K: Think I've been over this before. When I was talking to Willow at the cafe/bar place during our fight with the First?

W: Oh yea! I remember that. That was when you were doing the seducing and the wiling-

K: And the loving and wanting and needing.

C: Throw in the fucking and you'll have the **perfect** relationship.

_(AY smacks X)_

AY: Why don't we have all that?

X: Ow, An! It was sarcasm! That's Cordy's specialty!

AY: Oh.

Me: So I believe Willow is next. From ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"If I slipped you 20, could you cast a spell on Spike or Angel to admit they are all about the hot ass love?...that or make them grow boobs?"**

_(All girls burst out laughing)_

_(S & AG scowl)_

_(X shudders)_

_(G just walks off in search of a secret exit)_

X: Come on. Spare us that image. Sheesh.

_(W wipes tears from her eyes)_

W: Oh Goddess, whew, oh...Goddess...that was...

_(W bursts back into laughter)_

_(S growls)_

S: Fucking blimey whores.

_(AG grumbles)_

AG: You're telling me.

Me: From Lizzie Lehane...

_(drum roll)_

**"If you weren't with Kennedy, and you found a guy you just clicked with, would you consider going back to men, or are you strictly lesbian now?"**

C: Actually, that's a pretty interesting question.

F: Yea, not bad.

Me: Okay Willow. Go ahead and answer your first question:

**"If I slipped you 20, could you cast a spell on Spike or Angel to admit they are all about the hot ass love?...that or make them grow boobs?"**

_(All girls burst out laughing again)_

S: Seriously shut the bloody hell up!

K: Or what, fairy wings?

AG: We'll beat your asses to a pulp.

C: I'd like to see you try, you closet poofs!

S: I'll suck you dry, you bint!

W: Please, **girlfriend**, as if you could!

_(AG groans)_

AG: Will you just be quiet?

B: Why, are we scaring the poor, flaming queers?

S: I'll show you scary, you sodding lesbo!

AY: You really should calm down, homo.

AG: Calm?! We **are** calm! Fucking epitome of calm!

D: Oh my god, the Twink Twins are so flipping out!

S: Why you little-

F: Watch it, fudge packer. You don't wanna hurt yourself!

Audience: Hahahaha!

_(S & AG show evil vampire faces)_

_(Audience quietens)_

_(Girls are still giggling amongst themselves)_

_(X grins)_

X: That was kinda funny.

_(AG picks X up by throat)_

_(X squeaks)_

X: Not funny! Not funny at all!

_(AG drops X)_

Me: Well now that **that's** over, go ahead and answer the question for us, Willow.

W: I think the best I could do about the admitting part would be a truth spell, and um...the boobs, I'm going to have to research some more. But I could do a glamour that makes it look like they have boobs to everybody else around them. Until I take it off them.

K: Oh man, that would be so great.

F: We are such assholes.

D: But it's so much fun!

B: Finally we agree on something.

C: Same thought over here.

_(S mutters to AG)_

S: Females...evil, **evil** creatures.

AG: I hear you.

_(G returns with a smirk on his face)_

S: What's so fucking funny?

G: No need to be rude, Spike. It's hardly **my** fault that you're always the bottom to Angel's top.

Audience: OHHHHHH! Burn!

F: Oooh, you're gonna need some ice for that one!

W: Maybe we should call 911 for back up?

Me: Okaaay! That was pretty interesting. Now, Willow, your next question:

**"If you weren't with Kennedy, and you found a guy you just clicked with, would you consider going back to men, or are you strictly lesbian now?"**

W: Strictly lesbian. I mean, look at me! I'm all gayed up now!

X: Yea, Wills can't go back now! It'd really confuse the hell out of all of us if she brought home a guy all of a sudden.

K: If that ever happened, expect to find me at a bar every night, drinking and puking my guts out.

F: And expect me to be there to drag your sorry ass back home to keep you from doing so.

W: So yea, basically, if I find a nice guy, I'm sure he'll make a great friend, but I **do** have Kennedy, and we click wonderfully, so I'm happy where I am, with who I'm with.

K: Same here.

F: Ditto.

_(B & F kiss)_

_(W & K kiss)_

Audience: Aww.

_(D rolls eyes)_

D: Spare me.

C: Seriously.

Me: So I suppose we should get going. Xander, my man, you're up next!

X: Whoo hoo!

Me: Are you ready?

X: Am I ever!

Me: Brilliant! First from ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"Have you ever considered becoming a vamp so Buffy would date you?"**

_(X's eyes widen)_

X: What?!

Me: And from Lizzie Lehane...

_(drum roll)_

**"If you had to sleep with a guy, would you?" **

**"Would you be a part of a threesome if it was you, Anya and another guy, not another girl?"**

_(X slaps hand against his forehead)_

X: Holy mother of Zeus.

S: Ha! Now you know how it feels.

C: What, to be gay?

S: No, to be accused of being gay. When you're not.

Me: Just answer the first question, Xander:

**"Have you ever considered becoming a vamp so Buffy would date you?"**

X: Well that one's easy. Definitely not. I mean, Buffy's hot and all, but I wouldn't go that far to get a girl to want me.

AY: Thank goodness you're not that desperate.

B: Yea, cause I wouldn't have dated him anyway. He's like...my brother!

X: Then I made a good choice in staying human.

AY: Besides, he found me, the love of his entire life. And that's all that matters. **I'm** all that matters.

X: Yes you are.

_(D snorts)_

K: I agree with that sentiment, Dawnie.

D: At least someone does.

F: Come on, kids. It's cute.

K: I think you're getting soft, Faith.

F: I am not!

D: You just might be, I mean, you think Xander and Anya are cute. That's pretty bad.

F: They're my friends, I'm allowed to think they're good together.

K: Nope. You're getting soft in your old age.

F: Old age?! I could take you, anytime, anywhere, punk!

K: Oh yea? You wanna try putting your fist where your mouth is?

F: Bring it, Junior!

Me: Hey! How many times do I have to tell you that I don't tolerate fighting in here?

_(F & K grumble)_

K: What are you, our mom?

Me: No, I have more power than her. So hush up and let Xander finish his next two questions. Xander, the next question:

**"If you had to sleep with a guy, would you?" **

X: Hah! No!

B: Well that was simple.

X: Well I wouldn't! I'm a manly man, remember? I like the bosoms of females and action sports!

AY: You took that from our conversation, didn't you?

X: One of the first few things we ever talked about, I think.

AY: So I was right?

X: Basically.

AY: Psh. And you had me worried.

Me: Well, last question:

**"Would you be a part of a threesome if it was you, Anya and another guy, not another girl?"**

X: No.

_(Everyone looks at X)_

X: I said no!

F: Sucks for An.

AY: Really, Xander, why not?

X: Because...I don't want to?

B: He's scared of being considered gay.

X: And I don't want anybody else to share orgasms with you. Just me myself and I.

Audience: Aww!

AY: That was really sweet. I think we should go share some orgasms now as a celebration of your romantic comment.

_(AG turns to S)_

AG: You think that's why we don't get girls anymore?

S: Probably, mate. We're just not romantic enough.

W: Plus the whole vampire thing kinda throws some girls off some. Just a little.

S: Yea, I can see that.

AG: Understandable.

Me: Okay! Angel, you're next. From Lizzie Lehane...

_(drum roll)_

**"Knowing that you're at least two centuries old, I'm wondering if there's been any man-on-man sex in your past?"**

_(AG makes face)_

AG: Never. Never ever ever. Not even close. Not even if when I was drunk.

F: Liar.

AG: I'm being honest here!

F: Nah, you're lying. Come on, Soulboy, I know you at least had to have **kissed** another dude.

AG: Nope. Never.

F: Damn, you're boring.

B: You think?

X: Yea, Buff, I always wondered about that particular choice in guys that you had...

AG & S: Hey!

W: I was kinda worried, too, Buffy. But-

AG: Just because I've never done anything with another man? I'm pretty sure Xander or Giles hasn't, either!

_(X quickly responds)_

X: Well, no, I haven't. Giles?

_(G's eyes twinkle)_

G: I'm confident enough in my sexuality to say, 'wouldn't you like to know?'

_(All girls whoot)_

F: Now **that's** a man!

K: Damn straight!

B: Coolest. Watcher. Ever!

_(W brushes away fake tear)_

W: They grow up so fast!

_(C nods approvingly)_

C: Amen to that.

D: Yea, that wasn't even gross, it was admirable!

AY: Any man who can say that is a manly man.

_(S groans)_

S: It's official. We're no longer allowed in bars. They're going to humiliate us until we're staked.

_(AG sighs)_

AG: You're telling me.

Me: Next person up, is Spike!

S: Oh goody.

Me: Now now, Spike, no reason to be bitter. Your comment from Lizzie Lehane...

_(drum roll)_

**"I gotta say, man, I'm strictly into girls, but you really pull off that look a helluva lot better than Billy Idol!"**

S: Ugh! They're all bloody into chicks!

W: Well...at least she complimented your look.

F: Which usually only happens if you're-

_(S jabs finger towards F)_

S: **Don't**. Say it.

F: Or what? I was just gonna say either gay or metro. Pick one, cause you know it's true.

C: Just call him metro for now.

D: The real truth will be revealed...later.

_(D giggles)_

S: I hate my life.

Me: Fantastic! Faith! You're the last single questionee up!

F: Bring it on, Lost!

Me: I shall. I must say, you always have the most questions. Your first question is from jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"Is there something you have a phobia about? Irrationally? (like bunnies or water or something)"**

_(AY jumps)_

AY: Bunnies?! WHERE?!

Me: From She's Hearing Voices...

_(drum roll)_

**"Have you ever gotten Buffy to wear your boots in some kind of "roleplay" action?"**

X: Ooh, give us details!

_(D makes a face)_

D: Please, don't.

Me: From Tweak...

_(drum roll)_

**"Ever gotten B to play Mistress of Pain?"**

_(B turns to F)_

B: Have you noticed that a majority of these questions are about sex?

W: Well, Faith **is** kind of a continually sexual person. It kinda makes sense.

Me: From FallenSoldier15...

_(drum roll)_

**"I think you're so fucking hot, if you were single, would you do me?"**

_(B scowls)_

B: Uh, **NO**, she wouldn't!

C: I don't believe you're Faith.

B: Shut it, Cordy.

Me: And from Lizzie Lehane, who will only post three questions next time (wink), not that I minded adding these in...

_(drum roll)_

**"I have to say, I always thought your middle name would be Amanda. Don't know why, just seems to make your full name flow, in my opinion. What do you think?" **

**"Same as Buffy: Name three celebs, male or female, you'd have sex with."**

F: Huh. Amanda?

AY: What a plain American name.

K: Well, she **is** a plain American.

_(F smacks K)_

F: Shut your mouth. I ain't plain.

Me: Going on?

G: Just give her the first question, I believe she'll catch it eventually.

Me: Thank you Giles, alright first:

**"Is there something you have a phobia about? Irrationally? (like bunnies or water or something)"**

F: Uh...no?

_(K wiggles fingers)_

K: Ooh, big bad Faith isn't afraid of anything, because she's just so big and **bad**.

F: Kiss my ass, Ken. I meant I don't have any phobias that are irrational.

W: I'm just surprised you know what that means.

B: Hey! Leave my girlfriend alone.

W: Just kidding, Buffy. You know me, all about the jokes!

F: Yea, well I'm all about the ass-kicking. You want me to show you how **that** works, Red?

W: Before, I might've hid behind Buffy, but that was before I honed my powers. So bring it!

Me: No bringing anything! You still have questions to answer, Faith. And your next one is:

**"Have you ever gotten Buffy to wear your boots in some kind of "roleplay" action?"**

F: Simple answer? No. B's feet are kinda small for my boots.

B: And they stink.

F: No they don't. You just have a sensitive sense of smell.

S: Bet you can't say that 5 times fast.

X: Sensitive sense of smell, sensitive sense of smell, sensi-

_(AY smacks X)_

X: Ow! What was that for?

AY: You shouldn't ever take on a bet until you figure out how much you're betting.

_(AY turns to S)_

AY: How much are you proposing?

_(S raises eyebrows)_

S: You're one wacky female.

Me: So here's the next question for you, Faith:

**"Ever gotten B to play Mistress of Pain?"**

D: It would explain all the noise in the basement.

_(B flushes)_

_(F grins)_

_(B claps hand over F's mouth)_

B: Er...no comment?

K: I knew it!

_(W looks thoughtful)_

W: So that's what you were buying that leather whip for...

G: Oh good heavens.

X: Hey Buffy!

B: Yes, Xander?

X: Dominatrix or commando? Gotta fill us in!

_(D smacks X)_

X: Ow!

D: No, she doesn't! Don't fill us in. Don't.

AG: Do. We don't mind.

S: Yea, give us wankers a few more fantasies, since we aren't getting any action in the fucking bed.

_(Everyone makes a face)_

F: Dude. TMI.

C: Seriously. Way TMI.

Me: I think you managed to gross out the audience, too. Ah well, let's move on then:

**"I think you're so fucking hot. if you were single, would you do me?"**

B: **No**. She wouldn't.

C: Again. **Not** Faith.

_(B lunges)_

_(AY whips out video camera)_

X: Hey! We finally got one!

F: Yea, I went with her.

D: Ooh!

W: Ouch!

K: Damn.

S: Oh! That was a good slap.

AG: Nice counter kick.

G: Buffy! Cordelia! Stop it this instant!

X: To the left!

_(Pause)_

X: No, no, your **other** left!

AY: If I send this into America's Funniest Home Videos, do you think we'd win money?

F: In cash, I hope.

Me: Well, Faith...the question?

F: Oh, yea. Well, I mean, it really depends on what you look like. I don't do blind dates, you know? Gotta see what you look like.

_(C & B return with cuts and bruises)_

_(B slumps onto couch)_

_(C slumps onto chair)_

C: Is there a reason why you don't let anybody else fight but you don't care if we do?

Me: Because it keeps the ratings up and it's really rather amusing to see.

B: You're sick.

Me: So I hear. But that's beside the point. Your next question, Faith:

**"I have to say, I always thought your middle name would be Amanda. Don't know why, just seems to make your full name flow, in my opinion. What do you think?" **

F: Sorry, I'm not into full names. I'm already pissed they released my last name.

B: Why? I like it.

F: Where's the fucking mystery? There **is** none.

W: Well, it does flow, though.

F: Don't care. Don't want it.

Me: That's fine. There are lots of people without middle names. Not so many without last names.

F: Exactly why I wish my name was just fucking Faith. Why the hell would you add Lehane to that?

X: At least it's a badass name. I got stuck with Harris.

K: True that.

D: Well, we've got the weird names. Buffy and Dawn? Honestly.

AY: I've always wondered about that. Tell me, was Joyce drunk when she named you, Buffy?

B: No! Xander!

_(X grins sheepishly)_

X: Right. Um, An? Ix-nay with the other-may alk-tay!

AY: What in the world are you saying?

X: Never mind.

Me: Indeed. Well, continuing on:

**"Same as Buffy: Name three celebs, male or female, you'd have sex with."**

F: I've got some good ones.

C: Give us the dirt, Faith.

F: Johnny Depp.

B: Ew, he reminds me of a wet rat!

K: Ew, you remind **me** of a mutilated rat!

_(B scowls)_

_(W keeps hand over K's mouth)_

W: Sorry, Buff. She's a bit cranky, like I said.

_(S shakes head at X, G, & AG)_

S: Women's trouble.

AG: No kidding.

F: Angelina Jolie.

C: Oh **she's** a hottie.

AY: Is that the one with the big lips and lots of tattoos?

D: Yea, pretty much.

AY: She is strangely attractive, in a big lipped, bony, matted-hair way.

F: Oh come on, she's badass. Fucking hot.

X: And your third choice?

F: Sarah Michelle Gellar, of course.

B: I approve of her, at least. And Angelina.

C: Eh. Not into fake blondes.

_(B scowls again)_

F: Well I think she's hot with dark hair.

W: It certainly looks better on her.

_(B pats at her hair)_

B: Should I dye it?

D: If you want to. I think it'd look good.

F: Are you kidding me? It'd look HOT!

Me: Well you'll figure it out eventually, Buffy. Now onto the pairs! First up is Giles and Dawn. Your question/comment is from jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"You both seem constantly mortified and grossed out... and yet you still stick around to hear everything. Do YOU GUYS ever have fantasies about any of the following in the room? (Sorry Giles, I take it that is now vomit time)"**

_(D huffs)_

_(G cleans glasses)_

D: Well it's not like we can get out of here, sheesh.

G: I believe what Dawn said for the first half is correct, and a definite **no** for the second half. Good heavens.

K: And we all already know Dawn's answer to the last half. A big, fat, yes!

_(D crosses arms)_

D: That goes for almost everybody in here, so shush. I'm human.

AG: And we're vampires.

D: Yea, well you're gay, so it doesn't count.

S: Why you-

Me: Next up is Spike and Angel! Your question from xXAngel of fireXx is...

_(drum roll)_

**"If you guys were human for one day, what would you do?"**

S: Peaches here is probably going to go get laid for once, and I'm going to go get some food that isn't blood in a sodding bag.

AG: I'll do both, thanks.

F: Hey, well, at least it wasn't a fag question.

_(S rolls eyes)_

S: Oh yes, lucky us.

C: Okay, that was so gay.

S: What? How?

W: The eye roll and the tone of voice when you said what you said.

S: That wasn't gay!

B: It could kind of pass off for either. You sure you're not bi, Spike?

S: Yes I'm sure.

D: Well-

_(S roars)_

S: I said I'm sure!

D: Okay, okay, geez. No need to yell.

Me: Alright. Last pair questions are for Buffy and Faith! From Lizzie Lehane...

_(drum roll)_

**"This is probably relatively far in the future for the two of you, but if you have any children, do either of you have any names you'd really like?" **

**"Which of you do you think would get pregnant?"**

F: Uh...

B: If it's a girl, I like the name Jenny.

F: Nina.

B: Samantha.

F: Katrina.

B: Michelle.

F: Dani.

_(B sighs)_

B: Well, if it's a boy-

F: Damian.

B: Jonathan.

F: Kye.

B: Logan.

F: Hannibal.

B: Tyle-what?!

_(F chuckles)_

F: Just kidding, B.

X: I think it'd be cool. Hannibal is the bomb!

F: For sure, man. For fucking sure.

G: Anthony Hopkins does a brilliant job.

W: It's just a little creepy, but nothing we can't handle!

B: I don't know, Wills. We haven't really dealt with actual cannibals before. That aren't...demon-y or anything.

W: Oh. Right.

Me: Erm...second question? You can discuss this afterwards.

B: Oh yes, um...I don't know. Faith?

F: There is **no** way I'm gonna be holding some fucking lima bean tumor in my stomach for 9 months.

X: Come on, Slick! It's a lima bean tumor with a heartbeat!

F: Don't care. Not my womb.

B: Like I'd want one in **my** stomach?

F: You make a better mother type anyway. Got more practice and shit. With Dawn.

_(D grumbles)_

K: Oh because **she** turned out just fine.

D: You take that back!

K: Make me, Summers!

_(D lunges)_

B: Dawn! No fighting!

W: Kennedy! No pulling hair!

K: She - OW! - started - fuck! - it - **let go**!

_(D & K is in the background fighting)_

_(AY continues to shoot the video)_

Me: Well, that's all for today, folks! Leave your three questions and your review in the review box! Thank you and goodnight/day!

_(Ending theme)_


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello mates, I'm back with another chapter. Thanks for all the reviews and questions. Hope you all have some good laughs and whatnot! **

**Enjoy and review! Remember, no more than 3 questions!**

* * *

_(Opening theme)_

Me: Hello one and all to...

Everyone: An Interview With The Vampire Slayers!

Me: A fun and fantastic way to start **or** brighten up your day! I do hope all of you are having a goo-

D: So Buffy's questions first, right?

Me: Yes, Dawn. Thank you for interrupting me.

D: No problem, now hurry up.

S: What's the bloody rush, Nibblet?

K: Shut up Spike! Come on, Lost! What's the hold up?!

_(F whispers to guys)_

F: Shoe sale.

All males: Ah.

S: Pfft. Females.

F: Hey man, I'm not flipping about it.

C: Faith! Stop distracting the interviewer and let her get to the damn questions!

_(B glares at C)_

B: Stop yelling at my girlfriend like she's your girlfriend!

C: I can do what I want.

B: Yea? Well I can kill you a hundred differen-

Me: Alrighty then! Buffy's up and the first comment for Buffy is from xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"I'm so sorry I started the whole cave-slayer thing!"**

B: That was you?

AG: Don't be sorry, it was amusing while it lasted.

Me: From Hotcutii3...

_(drum roll)_

**"What is the most romantic thing Faith has ever done for you?"**

K: Okay I know you guys **so** went over this already.

W: Yea, I'm pretty sure we did, right? I mean with the anniversary thingy?

Me: From ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"Have you read a book since college? Magazines don't count."**

W: I don't know if we even **had** magazines at the house. Did we? Wait a minute. Do we?

F: Yea, just check Cordy's room. All the other little Slayers do.

_(C touches up her hair)_

C: And they act like they're deprived crack addicts. It's really kind of sad.

Me: And lastly, from kipperdinilati...

_(drum roll)_

**"Do you and Faith plan to have kids anytime soon?"**

_(B & F look at each other)_

F: Not that I know of. I mean...kind of lacking...the right equipment, if you get what I'm saying.

B: Well I have been talking to Willow...

_(F's eyebrows shoot up)_

F: What?!

Me: Fantastic! Moving on to the answers! First comment for Buffy:

**"I'm so sorry I started the whole cave-slayer thing!"**

B: Well it did get pretty hectic for a bit, there, but it's totally fine. Things just get out of hand, no thanks to some people who just keep topics going and going and going...

_(B gives C a pointed look)_

_(C purses lips)_

C: I **know** you aren't talking about me.

_(B uses mocking voice)_

B: Of course not, why ever would you think that?

C: Oh please. That tone of voice just **gives** you away.

_(K nudges AY and whispers)_

K: Got the camera ready?

_(AY whispers back)_

AY: Of course I do.

B: Listen, you stuck-up, girlfriend-eyeing skank! If I told you once to stop trying to snatch my girlfriend from under my nose, just stop!

C: Faith and I are friends, you fake, pitiful excuse for a blonde. And I'm not trying to snatch her-

B: Oh because straddling her and groping her in front of everybody else is completely not snatching.

_(C throws hands up)_

C: I was drunk!

B: So was everybody else, but you didn't see them fondling my girlfriend's boobs!

_(Silence)_

_(Everybody shuffles)_

_(D raises hand)_

D: Actually, Buffy...

K: We were all...

W: Kinda sorta...

X: Just a little...

S: With slight misunderstanding...

AG: Guilty...

_(AY looks unfazed)_

AY: Of ogling, touching, groping and fondling Faith's fantastic breasts.

G: Except myself, since I was away on a trip to London at the time.

_(B gapes)_

_(C smirks)_

_(F shrugs)_

_(B smacks F)_

F: Ow! What?!

B: You let them all touch-

F: Uh **no**, Buffy. They held me down, remember? You're the one who suggested they use the chains.

_(AY pats B)_

AY: It was a fabulous idea, Buffy. One of the few you've ever had. I have to admit, I really did enjoy Faith's breasts. She's far more endowed than **we** are.

_(S sniggers)_

S: Oh, us too, pet. Don't feel left out.

B: Spike.

S: Yes, love?

B: Shut the hell up.

_(S grumbles)_

S: Bloody lesbians.

Me: So...next question? Alright, good, Buffy:

**"What is the most romantic thing Faith has ever done for you?"**

D: **So** already asked.

F: Yea, not answering that question again.

W: Oh but it's such a cute story, Faith!

F: Sure it is, but hell no, I ain't yapping about that all over again. Next!

B: Aw, story pooper.

_(AY jumps in surprise)_

AY: What? Faith, you poop stories?!

_(Cue crickets)_

_(F sweatdrops)_

F: Ah...

AY: I had no idea that was possible! Though, I suppose in a world like this, **anything** is possible, as cliche as it may sound. But that's quite fascinating-

_(G groans)_

G: For goodness' sake, Anya! She does **not**...er...poop...stories!

_(AY blinks)_

AY: But Buffy-

G: It's a blasted expression! For crying out loud, Anya, do you honestly believe that Faith's excrement consists of stories?!

_(AY scowls)_

AY: Well if candy bars can cause adults to revert to their teenager ways and fuck each other's brains out on the hood of police cars, I could certainly believe that Faith can shit stories.

_(G flushes, lets out a frustrated yell and storms off)_

_(F looks after him, impressed)_

F: Gotta say, that was well done.

_(AY beams)_

AY: I live to irritate.

W: I'm surprised you haven't driven Xander off a roof yet.

_(AY gives W a strange look)_

AY: Now why in the world would I ever-

Everyone: Anya! Expression!

_(AY grumbles)_

AY: You humans and your myriad of expressions. I can never keep up...

Me: Well then, next question for Buffy:

**"Have you read a book since college? Magazines don't count."**

_(B is indignant)_

B: Of course I have!

AG: Really? Like what?

X: Yea, Buffster, like what?

_(K smirks)_

K: The Idiot's Guide to Slaying, that's what.

B: Hey!

C: I'm sure the last thing Buffy's read are the directions on how to use that Professional Hair Salon in a Bottle crap.

B: I did not!

_(C raises an eyebrow)_

B: I didn't! Besides...I use Loreal.

C: Oh **much** better, Buffy.

_(B glares)_

B: Shut up.

Me: Come on, you two, be nice. We have one more question for Buffy, then we can move right along:

**"Do you and Faith plan to have kids anytime soon?"**

B: So like I was saying, I was talking to Willow about her research, and-

_(F starts waving hands)_

F: Whoa whoa whoa. Hold up, B. Research about what? Doing what? I may be stronger than most men, and better at sex, but I'm not all into having a sex change or growing a dick.

X: Ah ha! Then I can threaten to kick **you** in the balls and you'll know how it feels!

AY: Xander, I highly doubt that you'd be able to even reach her in time; she **is** much faster than you are.

_(X sighs)_

X: Do you have to make me feel insignificant and small?

_(AY pats X on back)_

AY: I'm sorry, I've been doing it for so long to the male gender...

B: No, Faith, you don't...**grow** a penis, Wills has to take a bit of your essence and a bit of mine, and-

F: Mix it all together and put it in the oven and out comes the baby?

C: Well that would be convenient, wouldn't it?

_(G nods knowingly)_

G: None of that godawful screaming and cutting of the blood circulation.

_(Silence while everyone stares at G)_

W: Okay, you'll have to explain how you know about it.

X: Yea! Cause...you're not married...and you don't have kids, that we know of...OH MY GOD, GILES HAS CHILDREN!

K: Sooo explains the father attitude.

F: G-man! You stud muffin, you.

_(G rubs temples)_

G: For goodness sakes, I don't have children. Is it really hard to believe that I **do **have female friends who are in need of support when they're birthing a child?

_(Silence again)_

B: A little.

S: Just a bit.

AG: Slightly.

D: Duh.

_(G sighs)_

Me: Erm...going on?

B: Oh! Right. So Wills takes your essence or mine and makes it into like...sperm, we artificially inseminate, and poof! A baby!

_(F makes a face)_

F: You make it sound like it's so easy. Believe me, it ain't easy. I've had a couple friends of my own back in the day with pregnancy issues.

_(F shudders)_

F: No fun. Foreal.

_(S raises a hand)_

S: I've eaten a newborn before. Does that count?

_(Everyone makes a face)_

_(W looks green)_

_(K makes gagging face)_

_(X makes 'ooh' face)_

_(G just groans)_

D: EWWWW! What the fuck?!

B: Normally, I'd say 'language!', but I completely agree with the sentiment.

C: Ugh. Seriously.

_(AG rolls eyes)_

AG: He's kidding.

AY: Why would anybody ever joke about that?

_(S chuckles)_

S: For the fun of it, pet. Your reactions are always the most amusing.

F: You're a sick vamp, Peroxide.

S: So I hear.

Me: Well then, now that we've been sufficiently grossed out, shall we move on?

Everyone: Yes.

Me: Superb. Mr. Giles, if you would please take the spotlight, you are next!

_(G adjusts glasses)_

G: Smashing.

Me: First question from Jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"What is the most badass thing you've ever done?"**

_(F grins and rubs hands together)_

F: Sweet. I'm in the mood for a wicked cool story.

Me: And from Narutrix852...

_(drum roll)_

**"Who do you think would be a better slayer Dawn, Anya, or Cordelia?"**

_(Everyone except D, AY, and C suck in a breath)_

_(X pats G on back)_

X: I sure am glad it's not up to me to answer **that**!

G: Well thank you for your support, Xander.

X: Anytime.

Me: Alright, Mr. Giles. Do go ahead with the first question:

**"What is the most badass thing you've ever done?"**

G: I suppose that depends on the definition. Something 'badass' ten years ago could seem utterly old fashioned to this generation-

K: Just give us a good story!

B: Ooh, with shiny weapons!

W: And advanced magics!

X: And hot girls!

_(D smacks X)_

X: Ow!

D: With some ancient prophesy!

C: And good shoes.

F: Hey! That was my line.

_(C scoffs)_

C: I certainly didn't mean **boots**, Faith.

_(F grins)_

F: Steel-toed combat boots with accessible knives on the go; whoopah!

AY: Is there cash money involved?

_(Pause)_

_(G raises eyebrows)_

G: I believe we've lost track of the point.

AG: They want a-

_(G shoots AG a look)_

G: I know what they want, Angel. It was a sarcastic remark, for heaven's sake, catch up!

_(AG grumbles)_

AG: Just trying to be helpful, and nobody appreciates the help...

G: In any case, I suppose one of the more, erm, 'badass' things I've done was when I killed my first demon, picked up a few girls, got into a bar fight, hot-wired a car, bought a plane ticket out of London for Austria, tried sleeping on a park bench with two bottles of English whiskey, got arrested then slept in a jail cell in solitary after I broke one of the other guys' nose. All in one night.

K: How old were you?

G: I was 17, I believe.

_(F nods, slapping his back fondly)_

F: Impressive, G. Sounds kinda familiar except I was 15 and ended up a lot worse than you did, unfortunately.

_(AG smirks)_

AG: Where would you be without me?

F: Depends. After Sunnydale? Dead or in jail. During Sunnydale? In the cahoots with Buffy.

_(AG frowns)_

_(W scratches chin)_

W: Hey, that's right! Buffy was always so obsessed over Angel that she never really caught onto Faith's vibe...

X: Which, in turn, led to crazy Slayer!!

C: Yea. Good job, Buffy.

_(B huffs)_

B: So this is **my** fault?

C: Yes. It is.

_(B points finger at C)_

B: Listen, you-

_(Everyone blocks out the quarrel)_

_(G sighs)_

S: You think we should get them a bloody cage, Rupert?

G: Actually, that doesn't sound so bad, Spike.

X: Ooh! I'll provide the benches!

W: I pass out the popcorn and drinks!

D: I guess I'm bookie. Someone's gotta take the bets.

_(F winks at D)_

F: That's my Squirt.

Me: Buffy! Cordelia! Stop it this instant! Giles, your next question:

**"Who do you think would be a better slayer Dawn, Anya, or Cordelia?"**

_(D jumps up and down)_

D: Me! It's me!

C: Uh, hello? Big with the money and the training and the sultry power thing.

AY: Do I get paid?

_(G pales)_

F: Good luck, Giles.

G: Ah...

D: Yea, but I'm the **sister** of **the **Slayer! I totally have advantage-

C: I've been around longer and have fought as many battles as you've only seen-

AY: Because I really don't see the point in saving the world without pension.

G: Er...

D: Well I've been learning a lot of moves and I'm really good-

C: I've been **using** my moves and I kick ass-

AY: I mean, doing all that work for what; nothing?! Honestly. You must be out of your minds!

G: Um...

D & C: And I'm hot!

AY: So unless I get paid, I refuse to take up that job offer.

_(W gives AY a curious look)_

W: What are you even talking about?

_(AY blinks)_

AY: Aren't we talking about money?

Me: Well, Sir Giles? What is your answer?

G: I believe Dawn, Cordelia, and Anya would all make equal Slayers in their own rights, with their own advantages and disadvantages. And **that**-

_(G glares at D & C before they can protest)_

G: -is my final answer.

F: Well done, G.

S: Well said, more like.

K: Nobody asked you.

S: Piss off.

Me: Fabulous. Next up, we have Anya!

_(AY looks pleased)_

AY: Already? I feel special!

_(D claps slowly)_

D: Oh yea. **Real** special.

Me: Alright, your question is from xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"How do you feel about snakes? I hear that they are the natural predator for bunnies."**

_(Everyone except K & S make a face)_

B: Ick. I think I've had enough snake to last me a lifetime.

F: Kinda glad I wasn't there.

K: Were you there for that?

S: Nope. Was a tad bit busy at the time, love.

_(AY looks annoyed and crosses arms)_

AY: Uh hello? **My** question to answer, so please, shut up.

_(B rolls eyes)_

_(X fakes bow)_

X: As you wish.

AY: Thank you. My answer, of course, is that although I appreciate their natural instinct to destroy all the evil bunnies in the world, they're still frightening. Not to mention that whole Ascension business. I ran off so fast I didn't have time to count my money every five minutes!

_(G mocks)_

G: And that is quite the travesty, isn't it?

W: Absolutely dreadful, indeed!

AY: Exactly.

B: It's like that whole, 'I'm-glad-spiders-kill-mosquitos-but-they-still-creep-me-out' thing!

K: Yea yea, we got it.

_(B huffs)_

B: You really shouldn't be so mean.

K: Why, are you going to cry?

B: Pah! I'd like to see you try. We'll see who ends up in tears then.

K: Bring it, you stuck-up bitch.

_(C quirks an eyebrow at AG)_

C: I kinda like this girl.

AG: You would. It's always the brunettes that fight with Buffy.

C: You know what they say.

S: No, what do they say, pet?

C: I have no clue, but I'm sure it has to do with the fact that brunettes are smarter, sexier, and just generally better than blondes.

AG: I'll drink to that.

AY: Please don't. God knows you'll suck out the blood of some poor soul.

_(AG sighs)_

AG: Have you decided on the muzzle yet, Xander? We could always pick it out in her favorite color.

X: Look it up online and send me the link, then.

AG: I'll have my secretary on it later.

C: Pfft. It better not be soon-later. That shoe sale lasts all weekend.

_(AG sighs again)_

Me: So, once again avoiding a fight, let's move on. Spike, our resident blonde-headed vampire, you're the lucky questionee!

_(S clicks teeth)_

S: Yippee. I just can't bloody wait.

AG: Brighten up.

S: Oy, look who's talking.

_(AG frowns)_

Me: This question is from ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"While you were wrapped around B's pinky finger did you write any of your poetry for her? Admit it, you totally did."**

_(Everyone laughs)_

_(S groans)_

S: Why the hell do you miserable chits 'ave to ask me questions about stupid crap? It's not like I want to remember this sodding bullshit!

F: Quit whining and answer the question.

S: Screw you, Slayer.

B: Sorry, that's my job!

S: Anyways, for the record, I wasn't wrapped around anybody's pink-

_(S stops because everyone stares)_

_(Cue crickets)_

_(Cue laughter)_

Everyone: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

K: Oh my God, I can't...breathe...haha!

D: Aha...he wasn't...haha...God!

_(S scowls)_

S: Fucking 'ell.

_(AY looks annoyed)_

AY: I don't see what's funny. I always found the whole mess to be extremely distracting and bothersome. And annoying.

F: I hear ya, An.

AY: Honestly, who enjoys watching a fully "matured" vampire whinging around following a **Slayer** like some lovesick puppy? It's ridiculous, I tell you.

_(S groans)_

S: God help me.

C: It's a little too late for that.

Me: Spike...the answer?

_(S roars)_

S: NO! The bloody fucking answer is NO, I did **not** write any sodding love poems for the fucking Slayer. I was a bit **busy** trying to kill or save people! Goddamnit!

_(I look miffed)_

Me: Well sheesh. There really was no need to yell. I'm only doing my job and pleasing the audience.

AG: Ignore him. He's touchy.

_(K sniggers)_

K: You'd know, of course.

_(AG bares fangs at K)_

_(K just grins back)_

Me: I believe Willow is up next. Shall we start Willow?

W: I'm ready.

Me: Wonderful. Your question is from spashley20...

_(drum roll)_

**"You seemed to get overly jealous whenever Buffy would get a new boyfriend (or spent time with Faith). Some say it was because you were her best friend but I think it was because you liked her. So, which one was it?"**

_(W turns red)_

W: Ah...well, I...we're just...I mean it was...back then I...then again, it...I don't...this is...**eeep**!

_(W squeaks)_

_(Everyone stares)_

F: I think all that meant Red had the hots for B in her own little way until Tara and now Ken. But like a lot of other people, I'm guessing she still thinks Buffy's a cutie-pants.

_(W lets out deep breath)_

W: Whew! Thanks Faith, for clearing that up!

F: No problemo, Red. I mean, it was pretty obvious to me, even back in the day. You would shoot me the evil eye whenever I spent too much time with B, even as friends.

W: Heh. Yea...have I mentioned that I was-

F: Sorry? Lots of times, with lots of babbling.

_(W blushes)_

W: I tend to do that alot, especially when I'm nervous, since it's like - hey! - completely what I do. It's like a really really really bad habit thingermabob that happens to me and Buffy and Xander, too, sometimes! But not Giles, but that's not the point. The point is that-

Everyone: Willow!

_(W flushes and squeaks)_

W: Sorry!

_(K pinches W's cheeks)_

K: You are too cute.

W: Aw, thanks! So are you!

_(S snorts)_

S: That brat? Cute? I don't think so.

B: Don't I know it.

_(K sticks tongue out)_

_(B rolls eyes)_

B: Lucky you, Wills. She's immature, too.

AY: Are we suddenly moving on from Buffy and Cordelia fights to Buffy and Kennedy fights? If so, I'm going to need a new label for this tape.

Me: Alrighty, there are some new questions and comments that have just come in, and the next one up is Dawn! From FallenSoldier15...

_(drum roll)_

**"Ok since I know you like girls now I'm 5'6", dark green eyes, dimples, athletic figure and an athlete, also I'm an attorney. Would you date me based on looks so far? For at least one date just to talk."**

_(F whistles)_

F: Sounds pretty cute.

W: Ooh. What a catch, Dawnie!

_(B purses lips)_

B: Hmm. She sounds too good to be true. Are you sure she's not making this up?

_(C quirks an eyebrow)_

C: Hope those are cute dimples.

AG: An attorney? We could use another attorney...

K: How old is this chick?

S: Let's hope not as old as me, love.

X: Well if I wasn't married or a male, I'd take that date!

AY: They always go for the young ones, don't they?

F: Hey, I'm still young!

B: We all are.

_(D's still visualizing)_

D: I totally would! Date you based on looks, that is...

_(G sighs)_

G: What is this world coming to?

Me: Don't fret, Giles. You're not the only single one here. There's still Cordelia.

S: Oy! I'm still single.

AG: Yea, so am I.

Me: Oh yes, do forgive me. The whole gay thing is so consistent I sometimes forget you're..."straight".

S: Yea yea, you're just bitter because you're single, too.

Me: There's nothing wrong with being single. I enjoy just hanging out. Boyfriends and girlfriends get a bit in the way sometimes.

AG: No kidding.

Me: Going on...Cordelia! You're next! A comment from FallenSoldier15...

_(drum roll)_

**"You're such a hot fox. I bet if you and Faith were to get together (hypothetically, Buffy) you'd have the most good looking kids ever."**

_(B scowls)_

B: I object!

C: We aren't in court, Buffy. Get it right. Besides, the girl is right. We most certainly **would** have beautiful babies.

F: True that.

_(B glares at F)_

F: But of course, we'd have even **more** gorgeous children, B. Isn't that right, Lost?

Me: Whoa, now. Don't bring **me **into this. I'm just an innocent bystander.

_(B scowls and points)_

B: But **you** started this show! And this idea! And now there are all these questions and comments...how come **you** don't have to answer any questions?! And you don't get any comments!

_(I hold up hands)_

Me: Back up, Buffy. I get reviews, which are all very nice and wonderful. And I don't have to answer questions because I don't get any.

_(B crosses arms)_

B: Well that's not fair. I'm going to ask you some questions myself, then.

_(F smirks)_

_(B gives F evil eye)_

B: And **you** have to ask some too!

F: I was planning on it, babe.

Me: Oh dear.

G: I apologize for my Slayer's temperament, Lost.

X: Yea...it can get pretty wild and crazy sometimes!

W: Goddess, can't it? I mean, I'm dating one and it can get pretty up and down...I can hardly imagine what it'd be like to have two in the same room together!

AY: Really? I can. And it involves fantastic and neverending orgasms. It's really quite enjoyable to fantasize about. You should try it.

_(Silence)_

D: Like I said, Xander, you're paying half the therapy bill.

X: What?!

D: Your mental demon wife says enough to cause brain damage in less than a minute. I require money from you.

AY: Certainly not from **me**.

D: Which is why I'm getting it from Xander.

_(AY protests)_

AY: But Xander's money is mine!

C: Actually, in California state law; only half of it belongs to you.

_(AY nudges X)_

AY: Let's move to a place where all of it belongs to me, too.

Me: Moving along, then. Hmm...okay, it seems that Kennedy's our next interviewee. Again from FallenSoldier15...

_(drum roll)_

**"What is the most erotic fantasy you and Willow have played out? You must answer and yes Giles & The Twinkle Fangs may cover their ears. Xander can be tied up wth duct tape over his mouth and ears."**

X: Are you kidding? I want to hear about girly-loving!

S: Yea, why are you trying to leave us poor asses out of it?

AG: I have no need to cover my ears.

G: Well I do.

_(G plugs ears with earplugs)_

Me: Good thinking, Mr. Giles!

_(D grumbles)_

D: I wish I brought some.

_(K rubs chin)_

K: I have to be completely honest, my fantasies are pretty simple.

F: Something we have in common, Ken. Sex is sex.

K: My personal favorite, though, would have to be whenever I get Willow to dress up in dominatrix. Like the vampire version of her. **So** hot!

B: Ooh yea! That was like...majorly leathered-up Wills! Very sexy.

K: And then there's the bondage and the leather crop. If we're feeling super kinky, there's a blindfold involved.

Audience: Woo woo!

_(W flushes)_

F: Way to go, Red!

W: T-thanks, Faith.

_(B pats W)_

B: It's the tough ones that like being dominated; have you noticed that?

W: Yea, it's really weird! But Goddess, they're really good at dominating, though, aren't they?

B: Mmm. Yes, they are.

_(C smirks)_

C: I bet I could do a good job at dominating Faith.

F: Shit, I bet you could, too, Queen C.

_(B smacks F)_

B: Faith! Stop fraternizing with the enemy!

F: Oh come on, B. Cor's not an enemy. And I'm not fraternizing. We're just play bantering.

B: Same thing.

C: Not really.

_(AY taps G)_

AY: You can take those plugs out now.

_(G pulls out earplugs)_

G: Thank you, Anya.

AY: You are very welcome.

Me: Now we have our final single questionee, and that of course, is...

Everyone: Faith!

Me: Indeed it is! Alright, Faith. First question from xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"Did you ever make any friends while you were in prison?"**

W: Ooh. Good question.

Me: From Hotcutii3...

**"Have u ever had any wicked hot fantasies bout someone in the group?"**

_(AG scoffs)_

AG: Probably every single damn person here.

_(F winks)_

F: You know it.

Me: From Jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"How old were you the first time you had sex? (I have a feeling this answer may disturb me)"**

_(F frowns)_

F: I have a feeling it may, too.

Me: From ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"If B gave you her infamous pout and asked you to stop flirting with Cordelia would you?"**

_(B brightens up)_

B: Hey, yea!

_(C rolls eyes)_

_(S shakes head)_

S: You always get the most questions.

F: It's cause I'm so hot.

_(Everyone scoffs and snorts)_

Me: Don't worry Faith, they're only doing that because they know it's true.

F: I like ya, Lost. If I wasn't dating B and if it wasn't probably illegal, I'd take ya for a spin.

Me: Go for it, I'm not complaining.

B: No way!

Me: Haha, alright, Buffy. I was only sort of kidding. Anyways, first question, Faith:

**"Did you ever make any friends while you were in prison?"**

F: I guess you could say that. Not really friends, more like...acquaintances.

AY: Were you anybody's bitch?

_(F looks offended)_

F: Me?! Someone's prison bitch? I don't fucking think so. Nobody messes with me; that's for fucking sure!

D: So...no friends?

F: Eh, none that I really care to remember. I kept to myself the whole time, just thinking.

K: Yea, unless one of the big dogs tried to hassle her.

F: Then I'd shove a dumbbell up their fucking asses. Hated those bitches. Coming around acting like they're tough shit and trying to pull off that whole 'big cat, new fish' thing.

K: Pah! New fish! Haha!

F: Oh bite me, Ken.

K: You wish.

F: Anyways, there ain't no letter exchanging going around, so clearly, no. No jail friends. Maybe some contacts, but that's mostly for picking up drugs, and I'm not into that league.

B: Thank God. What would I do with a drug-addicted Slayer?

AY: Everything you would with a regular Slayer, except things would be more sloppily - but happily - done.

X: Thanks, An.

AY: No problem. I am here to assist.

Me: Very well. Next question:

**"Have u ever had any wicked hot fantasies bout someone in the group?"**

_(F smirks)_

F: Well duh. What, you think I have no eyes?

AG: Let me guess, you had one about everybody here.

F: Except Giles. No offense, G, but you're like...a dad to everybody, so...

G: Oh don't apologize for excluding me from your sexual fantasies. I'm rather much relieved.

_(AY gasps)_

AY: Liar!

Me: Moving along, moving along...next question up:

**"How old were you the first time you had sex? (I have a feeling this answer may disturb me)"**

_(Silence)_

_(F licks lips nervously)_

F: Um...sex is relative, right? Like...one person's version of sex is completely different from another person's definition of sex.

_(Pause)_

X: I don't get it.

W: Oh good, I'm not the only one! I mean, isn't sex just what it is? Sex?

_(F groans)_

F: Alright if you want to get literal about it; as in hole-in-one, I was 9. If we're talking consensual, 12.

_(Silence)_

_(X whispers)_

X: Holy cow...I think I get why you like being on top now.

F: Eh. It's old news. It sucks, but you get over it.

AY: If he, she, or they are still alive, I can ask D'Hoffryn to work out a few vengeance wishes.

W: I can offer magical assistance for that!

D: I'm totally donating the Dawn Therapy Fund to the Faith Therapy Fund.

B: I like that idea. I've been trying to get her to see a therapist for a while now.

G: Due to my suggestion, if I recall correctly.

AG: I'd like to point out that I believed in her the first.

K: I never judged.

S: Neither did I; we're on similar planes, we are.

F: Okay...this is getting a little uncomfortable, so next question, please?

Me: As you wish. Next and final question for Faith:

**"If B gave you her infamous pout and asked you to stop flirting with Cordelia would you?"**

_(F snorts)_

F: Pfft. No.

B: What?!

F: Oh come on, B. Even if your pout makes me all wiggly inside, flirting is what I do best! It's like...a part of my character.

C: A fantastic side of her character, might I add.

_(B scowls at C)_

B: You butt out of this!

C: This question's about me, too, Buffy.

S: It's a bloody love triangle.

K: Yea. Literally.

AY: Should I bring out the video camera now?

W: You might as well.

B: Well this wouldn't be an issue if you weren't such a slut!

_(Audience gasp)_

C: And there wouldn't be a need for a "slut" if **you** weren't such a stuck-up, wannabe innocent schoolgirl!

Audience: Oooh!

_(X nudges G)_

X: This is getting good!

G: Oh dear heavens.

B: Stuck-up?! Look who's talking, Daddy's Little Girl! You were the most spoiled student at Sunnydale High!

Audience: Ouch!

C: Oh so you're bringing fathers into this? At least mine wasn't a deadbeat loser!

_(Audience gasp)_

B: How dare you?!

C: How dare I? How dare **you**?!

_(B & C lunge)_

_(AY keeps filming)_

AY: Faith, we should call America's Funniest Home Videos sometime; this video is gold in digital technology form.

F: Definitely, An.

Me: While that goes on, I believe we'll move on to the more-than-ones, shall we? We'll start with the one question for Cordelia, Anya, and Willow from Narutrix852...

_(drum roll)_

**"How would you rate Xander's kissing skills from 1-10?"**

_(W blushes)_

W: Um...a 7?

F: Oh you're being nice.

X: Hey!

F: What? I kissed you too, remember?

X: Oh...right. But still!

F: Come on, Xan. Red's totally into the ladies, so she knows who she's digging. And it sure as hell ain't you.

X: I was her childhood crush!

K: Yea yea, doesn't matter. She still likes girls.

Me: You both have a point, but I believe it's Willow's question to answer, and she has answered it with a 7.

W: Oh fine, it's a 6.5, but that's still good! Really! Xander was really cute and good and sweet!

AY: You're clearly out of your mind, Willow. Xander is a 9.5 out of a 10.

_(S smirks)_

S: You're comparing him to what, an ogre and a couple more of your demon mates?

_(AY ignores S)_

AY: Even so, he's very wonderful at the interlocking of lips.

Me: Who's a ten?

AY: I'm not sure yet. I'm waiting for the chance to kiss Faith before I decide.

_(B & C return with cuts and bruises)_

B: I don't think so!

C: Until Buffy's drunk, that is.

Me: Your turn, Cordelia.

C: I don't really remember, so I'll give the loser a 5.

_(X grins goofily)_

X: I guess that's all I can ask!

D: Weirdo.

Me: Next is Spike and Angel, of course!

_(Everyone laughs)_

S: Sodding idiots.

AG: Damnit.

Me: From AnonSlayer...

_(drum roll)_

**"You are such closet cases, you both act like little kids in a playground with the name calling each other to show you like them, so why can't you just ADMIT IT?!"**

_(S vamps out)_

S: Because we're not bloody fags, that's why, you miserable nit! ARGH!

Me: Whoa there, Spike. Calm down. From Jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"Can you admit to loving each other right now? (Even in a brotherly way. Although we all know there's more to it than that... :))"**

_(AG sighs and shakes head)_

_(All girls giggle)_

Me: Well, go ahead and answer the first question.

S: Fuck no. I've answered it enough. We're not gay **or** closet cases, and therefore we can't admit it!

AG: Exactly. And I resent being called a little kid. I'm centuries older than you, dimwit.

_(K shakes head)_

K: Such babies.

B: Little gay boys, more like.

_(W makes cutesy face)_

W: Goo goo ga ga!

D: Aw, aren't they so cute?

F: I don't care how cute they are, I'm not changing any diapers.

AY: Why are we staring at Spike and Angel like they're edible human toddlers?

_(Everyone stares at AY)_

AY: Now why are you staring at me like I said something wrong?

Me: Erm...anywho, Spike and Angel, you may answer the second question.

AG: Are you kidding? Spike is an arrogant, reckless jackass-

S: Peaches is a sodding broody, whiny prick-

AG: -who happens to be completely incompetent and irresponsible for his actions-

S: -with no sense of bloody humor and can't take that stick out of his arse long enough for-

F: You to stick your dick in it?

Audience: Ohhh!

K: Damn that was a good one!

_(K high fives F)_

_(S scowls at F)_

S: I hate you.

F: Love ya too, Bleachboy.

S: Why must you all torment me so?

AG: Hey, I'm being tortured, too!

X: Whine, whine, whine. Seriously, Buff. I don't get it. Both of them?

_(B shrugs)_

B: They were cool at the time, okay?

D: And she was young and stupid.

C: Now she's just old and stupid.

_(B glares at C)_

B: Don't push it.

_(C smirks)_

C: Too late.

Me: Hold off, ladies, because Buffy needs to answer these last few questions. These are for Buffy and Faith, of course, and from AnonSlayer...

_(drum roll)_

**"If one of you had to become a guy for a day, who would you rather it be; yourself or your beautiful girl?"**

**"What is your ultimate fantasy you have about each other?"**

B: Would we be attractive guys?

F: What kind of question is that? Of course we'd be attractive guys! We'd be super-fine, super-sexy, hot-shot guys!

B: Well then I'd rather be the guy.

F: Same. I'd rather be the guy so I can show off my beautiful girl to the world and all the guys would be extra EXTRA jealous of me.

B: Yea, have you noticed that it's like...an ego-saver if you're a lesbian? Cause then they're all "well we couldn't have gotten that chick anyway, cause she's a lesbo".

W: Goddess, yes, I've noticed that a lot! They all think they're such hotties!

K: When they're notties.

F: That's why you have to shoot their egos down while you're at it. Otherwise they keep thinking they're hot shit.

AG: I guess this explains why we're single. They're all lesbians.

S: Don't joke about it, mate. It's bloody unfair.

X: Hey well, if worst comes to worst, you could always blame them for turning you gay!

_(S & AG run after X)_

_(X screams)_

X: HELP!

C: As if. I have Jimmy Choo heels on. And I could have another pair for half off, so hurry up.

F: Alright, alright. Hold onto your panties, C.

B: Ultimate fantasy? I feel like we've already been over this.

D: You probably have.

AY: You humans...so invasive of privacy.

_(Cue crickets)_

F: An...you're the one who likes to inform us of **your** private sex life.

AY: Yes, well, some of us don't care so much, but others do. Besides, I don't tell you the important things.

W: What do you mean?

AY: Well I could tell you that I had a certain number of orgasms last night, but I certainly wouldn't tell you how much money I have in my wallet!

X: That's me. Second bean to money.

AY: Xander don't be silly. You're not a bean.

S: So no refreshing of memory as to what your sexual fantasies are?

B & F: No.

S: Pity.

AG: Really, too bad.

K: Shut up, Twink Twins. Nobody wants to hear you trying to be straight.

_(S bares fangs)_

S: Can I eat her?

AG: I'm not stopping you.

W: Hey hey! No drinking of my girlfriend's blood!

Me: Well I suppose that's that for today!

_(W & D & K & C & B squeal and jump)_

W & D & K & C & B: YAYYYY SHOE SHOPPING TIME!

_(AY & F exchange glances)_

AY: Faith, would you like to accompany me in counting money while they're gone?

F: Sure, An, I'd lov-

_(B drags F out)_

B: Nope! Faith is the official bag carrier!

F: What?!

W: Come on, Faith, it'll be fun!

K: Yea, Faithy Waithy!

_(F flails)_

F: Augh! What the fuck?! Help!

_(X laughs)_

_(AY drags X out)_

AY: I guess you'll have to help me count money then, Xander.

X: Nooo!

_(S & AG snigger)_

_(G frowns)_

G: What are you two chuckling about? Since they're all out, you two are in charge of babysitting the Slayers in Training.

_(S & AG groan)_

S: Bloody hell. Not again!

AG: They squeal! And punch!

Me: Man up, chaps. Anywho, that's all for today, please leave your reviews and questions at the bottom! Thank you, and have a great day!

_(Ending theme)_


	8. Chapter 8

**I realize that it's been a very long time, but it's here, it's waiting to be read and reviewed, and rejoice because you know eventually I'll make another chapter. Thank you all those who have waited so patiently and egged me on, I hope I continue to write chapters worthy of your praise! **

**Enjoy and review! Remember, 3 questions max per reviewer!**

_(Opening theme)_

Me: So...it's been a while, has it not?

F: I think everyone's feeling rusty, yea.

Me: It's not really my fault; there have been other things that have concerned me. School, for instance. Homework and whatnot.

_(X punches fist in the air)_

X: School? Homework? We know not the meaning of those words!

C: That's because you never got past high school, dumbass.

S: Spot on.

X: Yea, well it's not like you even **went** to high school, you creep.

S: Then it says a lot about your lack of intelligence, doesn't it?

AY: Hey!

_(X pats AY's hand)_

X: I believe that's my hey.

_(X turns to S)_

X: Hey!

G: For heaven's sake, can we please continue on?

D: Seriously.

Me: Let's. Alrighty then. As always, we have Buffy as our first interviewee up. From kenyon87...

_(drum roll)_

**"You dated James trying to get over Faith, which obviously didn't work, is that why you dated Riley too? (And don't say it was Angel; we all know you loved her then, too.)"**

_(W's eyebrows go up)_

W: Ooh. Good question.

Me: From ToryV...

_(drum roll)_

**"If Riley walked into the room right now would you:**

**A. Get all shy and blushy**

**B. Act indifferent**

**C. Cling to Faith in an attempt to make him jealous or**

**D. Tackle Cordelia just for the hell of it. (It better not be A or I will ninja your blonde ass.)"**

_(B gets indignant)_

B: I'd like to see you try!

_(F raises eyebrow)_

F: Well let's hope there's no reason for her **to** try.

AY: You can hope. The rest of us will hope otherwise.

_(F frowns)_

F: Why?

K: Isn't it obvious? She wants to get into your pants.

AY: I've already done that.

_(Everyone gapes)_

B: Excuse me?!

_(AY gets defensive)_

AY: Well I returned them the next week cleaned!

_(B visibly relaxes)_

B: Oh. Right.

_(S sniggers)_

S: Way to give the Slayer a heart attack.

Me: From Jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"How many times would you estimate that you've used pouting, crying or sex (estimate each time) to get Faith to agree to do something/not do something? When was the last time that all of the above failed?"**

_(K snorts)_

K: Pft. Never.

_(F scowls)_

F: That's a lie.

S: Well I'm sure she's done that plenty of times.

K: What is that supposed to mean?

S: What do you think?

_(K cocks head)_

K: Are you kidding me? You do know that I'm a Slayer, right?

_(S rolls eyes)_

S: No, I completely forgot.

_(K scowls and moves towards S)_

K: I'm gonna kill this motherfucker.

_(W holds her back)_

W: Whoa there, Slayer! No killing of the ensouled vampires. Those are kinda rare.

_(X shrugs)_

X: We could do without them.

_(AG & S bare fangs)_

_(X jumps)_

X: Not! We could **not** do without them!

AG: Pussy.

_(X grumbles)_

Me: I believe that's it, Buffy. You may proceed with the first question, which was:

**"You dated James trying to get over Faith, which obviously didn't work, is that why you dated Riley too? (And don't say it was Angel; we all know you loved her then, too.)"**

_(B pouts)_

B: Listen, that was just-

C: A pathetic way of getting over the love of your life because you were too proud or just too stupid to admit you were hot for Faith?

_(Silence)_

_(B grits teeth)_

B: Y...es...

C: And you dated Riley because you were all broken up inside, feeling lonely, and you thought it was because of Angel's move when it was really **all** about-

_(B jumps in)_

B: Hey! Okay! They got it! Sheesh, Cordy, you really need to learn to shut the hell up.

C: Well maybe you should learn to grow up.

_(B takes a deep breath)_

_(AY takes out the video camera)_

B: You know what? I'm going to be the mature one here, and just go on with the question.

_(C just smiles)_

C: Go ahead, Buffy. Explain away.

_(B pushes back a scowl)_

B: I will. Anyways, yes, James was someone I just fell back on because I couldn't cope with losing Faith. Riley, I thought, was very kind and very sweet, but I always believed in my head that I was trying to get over Angel leaving me, and part of that will always be true, but...

_(B sighs)_

_(AG sighs)_

_(F sighs)_

B: But I guess without Faith there was always something gone. Something not quite right. When everything fell apart between us, it just felt horrible, and I always attributed it to Angel and all the problems I had dealing with being a Slayer...I never really even thought it had to do with Faith until later.

_(W flushes)_

W: Aww! That's so cute, with the Slayer-girly-loving!

_(X grins)_

X: Cheers to girly-loving in general!

_(D rolls eyes)_

D: Pervert.

X: What? No, I-

D: Yea, whatever.

_(Pause)_

D: Perv.

_(X sighs)_

_(G sighs)_

Me: Well then, next question, Buffy! And it is:

**"If Riley walked into the room right now would you:**

**A. Get all shy and blushy**

**B. Act indifferent**

**C. Cling to Faith in an attempt to make him jealous or**

**D. Tackle Cordelia just for the hell of it (It better not be A or I will ninja your blonde ass.)"**

_(B quirks an eyebrow)_

B: Why are these all about Riley?

_(C puts hands on hips)_

C: And why is the option of tackling me in this at all?

_(W turns to B)_

W: It's really only two questions so far, Buffy.

_(AY turns video camera to C)_

AY: Because it's really quite amusing to watch you two get into fights. I've already uploaded them online.

_(B & C gawk)_

B & C: What?!

AY: It's much simpler than I thought. Willow showed me.

_(B & C glare at W)_

_(W pretends not to see, but flushes)_

K: Hurry up and just answer the question, Buffy. God. Blondes are so slow.

S: I resent that.

AY: I would to, if it wasn't true to its stereotype. Honestly, human blondes are just so-

Everybody: Anya!

_(AY humphs)_

AY: Fine. I'll be quiet.

B: Thank you. So, of course the answer would be B, to him. C, not to make him jealous, but because I love Faith, and D...just for the hell of it.

_(AG turns to G)_

AG: I'm not playing referee this time.

G: Well don't look at me!

Me: There will be no fighting, ladies.

_(Almost everyone groans with disappointment)_

Me: It's really a little early in the interview for that, don't you think?

_(Everyone cheers)_

Me: Alright, last question, love:

**"How many times would you estimate that you've used pouting, crying or sex (estimate each time) to get Faith to agree to do something/not do something? When was the last time that all of the above failed?"**

_(B scoffs)_

B: I **never** use sex for persuasion!

_(Cue crickets)_

_(K snorts)_

_(C smirks)_

_(S sniggers)_

_(AG hides smile behind his hand)_

_(X grins)_

_(W flushes)_

_(D rolls eyes)_

_(G massages temples)_

_(F laughs out loud)_

_(AY pans everyone's expressions)_

F: Are you shitting me? HA!

D: Honestly, Buffy. I'm your younger sister and I know that's not true.

_(B gets indignant)_

B: But I haven't!

X: Come on, Buff. We've all heard the stories.

B: There aren't any stories to tell.

W: Buffy, as your best friend, I find it my duty to tell you that...you've told me many, **many**, stories.

C: It's not like we don't already know you try.

B: Wait a minute, just when exactly have I told you stories?

_(K snorts)_

K: When you were drunk, duh.

_(B groans)_

_(D crosses arms)_

D: Seriously. So many things I **so** did not need to know.

X: It's like, the Buffy Diaries on audio!

_(B starts banging head against hand)_

_(F stops her)_

F: Whoa there, B. Calm down.

_(B hides face into F's shirt)_

B: I'm just gonna stay here until everyone dies.

AY: That may take a while, Buffy.

Me: Well while that goes on, we might as well move on, yes? Alright. Next up is Cordelia!

_(C waves princess-like)_

_(Everyone else rolls eyes)_

_(C ignores them)_

Me: I'll just go ahead and list them out. From FallenSoldier15...

**"Seriously Cordy, why are you still single? You're a flaming fox!"**

_(F grins)_

F: I second that.

_(B smacks F)_

F: Ow!

AY: Nobody's dead yet, Buffy. Put your head back where it was.

Me: And from Gemini Jones...

**"We get it, you want Faith (who doesn't?) but, girl, she's taken. Actually, she's pathetically whipped so I think you've lost the fight. However there's a hot single brunette there with you now. Dawn. She's smart, she's kinky, she's fun, she's...well, a little whiny, but I bet she's smoking enough in the sack that you could overlook that. Plus, think of how insane it would make Buffy."**

_(D looks indignant)_

D: Whiny?!

W: Well at least everything else was really nice.

D: Yea...but whiny?!

K: Oh look, live proof!

_(D scowls at K)_

_(K grins)_

Me: Alright Cordelia, go ahead and answer the first question/comment:

**"Seriously Cordy, why are you still single? You're a flaming fox!"**

X: Because she's also an egotistical bi-

_(C glares)_

C: You finish that, Xander Harris, and there will be **no** 'finishing' for you, ever, again.

_(X pales)_

X: Shutting up now!

AG: Well it's kind of tru-

_(C snarls)_

_(AG shuts up)_

_(C scans room with squinted eyes)_

C: Anyone else like to comment?!

_(Silence)_

_(C relaxes shoulders and smiles prettily)_

C: Good. Next!

Me: Alrighty then:

**"We get it, you want Faith (who doesn't?) but, girl, she's taken. Actually, she's pathetically whipped so I think you've lost the fight. However there's a hot single brunette there with you now. Dawn. She's smart, she's kinky, she's fun, she's...well, a little whiny, but I bet she's smoking enough in the sack that you could overlook that. Plus, think of how insane it would make Buffy."**

_(B jumps up from seat and grabs at Dawn)_

B: Augh! No! No dating Cordelia!

_(D looks bewildered)_

D: Wha- whe- Buffy! Stop shaking me!

_(B lets go)_

_(D brushes herself off)_

D: Sheesh. You act like I'm fucking her on the spot.

B: Do you have to be so vulgar?

_(B turns to F)_

B: It's your influence.

_(F grins)_

F: Such a smart, fast-learning brat she is, too.

C: Uh, hello? My question, my answer.

K: Go on, then.

_(C clears throat)_

C: Anyways, the reason that wouldn't happen, is because it's Dawn. And being with Dawn would be like...

F: Fucking your own kid sister.

C: Exactly.

D: And being with Cordy would be like...fucking my older sister.

G: Good heavens.

S: Can't stomach the vulgarity, old man?

G: No, I believe I can't.

AY: You know, there's this old remedy that could help with stomachaches. It really does work well; I just need to find a couple of unborn kids and-

_(Everyone stares in horror)_

Everyone: Anya!

_(AY looks surprised)_

AY: What?

_(G looks even more sick)_

G: Oh dear, I think I may have to...

_(G runs off looking for a restroom)_

_(X doesn't look so well, either)_

X: Wait up, Giles!

_(X follows)_

_(AY tilts her head)_

AY: Was it something I said?

_(C rolls eyes)_

C: Gee, I don't know, it could've been the mention of unborn children.

_(AY makes a face)_

AY: I didn't say that.

F: Pretty sure you did, An.

AY: I said unborn kids.

F: Uh...yea.

AY: As in baby goats?

_(W pales)_

W: I think I need to go, now.

_(W dashes off as G returns)_

AG: Feeling better?

G: Slightly.

Me: Well, I suppose we should continue on. Spike, I believe you're next.

S: Lucky me.

K: Oh, man up.

_(S scowls)_

Me: From ToryV...

**"Oh when you and Buffy were getting all kinky in the sack, how was it being the Slayer's bitch?"**

_(AG laughs)_

_(D giggles)_

_(K & C smirk)_

_(X returns with a face)_

X: Gross.

_(W returns with a grin)_

W: Yet so funny.

_(G groans)_

_(F raises an eyebrow)_

_(B turns tomato red)_

_(S punches the walls)_

_(AY video records it all)_

F: Pathetic.

K: Seriously.

S: I was **not** the Slayer's bitch!

W: Of course not.

_(W snorts)_

S: I certainly wasn't at first.

_(Silence)_

_(Mood turns somber)_

_(F darkens and clenches fists)_

F: I **know** you didn't just bring that up.

_(S steps up to plate)_

S: You know, I think I probably did.

_(F struggles against K & B)_

F: Disgusting pig.

_(F spits)_

_(S grits teeth)_

S: You're one to talk.

_(AG jerks S back)_

Me: Now would be a good time to stop. We'll move on. Dawn?

D: Yea, I'm ready.

Me: Wonderful. Your question is from FallenSoldier15...

**"I'm 25 by the way and hopefully I'm not too old for you. I really do like your personality, very sincere with humor, also very intelligent. Very sexy. ;-)"**

_(K rolls eyes)_

K: When did this turn into a fucking dating show?

W: I think it's very sweet.

X: Albeit in a weird kinda way.

F: Well, she's 25, you're what, 23? I think that's a pretty good age difference. She's not a MILF or a 12 year old boy.

_(B points finger)_

B: No.

_(D snorts)_

D: Cause **that's** gonna work.

_(B sighs and throws up her arms)_

B: Why do I even try anymore?

C: God knows nobody wants you to.

_(B scowls)_

_(C ignores her)_

_(AY passes video camera to X)_

AY: I don't understand why people don't comment upon my stunning beauty. Certainly all the females here are beautiful, but I'm clearly the most impressive. Maintaining this figure over a thousand years isn't easy, you know!

_(F winks)_

F: You're hot stuff, An. But that just goes without saying, so there's no need to reiterate.

_(AY smiles brightly)_

AY: Is that what it was? Well that makes much more sense, thank you, Faith.

F: No problem.

Me: Next up, Giles!

_(G sighs)_

G: If I must.

Me: Yes sir, you must. From Jinxgirl...

**"Out of all present, who have you come closest to murdering (both in reality, and in your thoughts out of frustration with them)"**

AY: Well that's easy enough of an answer.

_(Everyone looks at AY)_

X: It is?

_(AY nods)_

AY: Of course it is. Giles almost had Spike killed, and I'm sure he's thought of it more often than with any of the others.

_(Pause)_

AY: Then again, I suppose Angel fits in there as well. But I would assume they're at some sort of tie.

_(Cue crickets)_

_(B scrunches brows together)_

B: Strangely enough, that makes a lot of sense.

_(W nods)_

W: Pretty much.

X: Definitely.

F: Hell, as long as it's not me.

_(D turns to G)_

D: Well?

_(G takes off glasses and begins to clean them)_

G: I have no idea what you're talking about it.

K: You liar.

G: Bollocks.

C: It's probably Spike.

S: Bloody hell right it is! Damn Scoobies always trying to kill me.

AG: Boo hoo, you're a victim.

S: Oh shut your trap up. Your sorry arse isn't much far off.

_(AG & S make faces at each other)_

_(K coos)_

K: How cute, their first argument!

_(AG & S snarl)_

Me: Settle down, boys. Killing Kennedy is not allowed, because she's up!

K: Let's rumble.

Me: Alright, from Gemini Jones...

**"Rate the hotness of the other women in your interview posse on a scale of 1-10. (Willow's naturally excluded, because she'd better be a 10 in your eyes or you're couching it for a while.)"**

_(W smiles perkily)_

W: So true.

_(K grins)_

K: Willow's definitely not a 10.

_(Everyone gasps)_

Everyone: What?!

K: Oh come on. She's so a 20!

Audience: Aww!

_(F rolls eyes)_

F: "She's so a 20!" Please. You're such an ass-kisser.

K: As if you aren't one, either.

Me: Just answer the question, Kennedy.

K: Alright, alright! Um...Faith, Cordy and Anya all get 9's. Buffy and Dawn both get 5's, cause they both piss the shit out of me.

B & D: WHAT?!

_(K laughs)_

K: I'm kidding. I can't rate any of them, just cause they're all pretty even in my book. They've got their perks and their cons.

G: You mean **pros** and cons.

K: Yea sure.

_(G sighs)_

Me: Haha, that's fine. Up next is Anya.

AY: Finally.

Me: From Gemini Jones again...

**"Xander or money. If you had to choose between the two which would it be?"**

W: Ooh. Good question!

C: Very.

S: This should be interesting.

_(X groans)_

X: Why, oh Zeus, why do you put me in these positions?

_(AY glances at him irritatedly)_

AY: I don't see what you're complaining about. I'm the one who has to choose.

_(F shakes head laughing)_

F: I can't even believe that it's gonna take her some thinking to actually decide.

B: Why? It'd take me some time, too.

_(F looks at her, shocked)_

_(B looks back, completely solem)_

F: Tell me you're joking.

B: I'm not.

C: Hmm. Well I've already had my share of money, and great sex hasn't been too consistent. Faith, I'd definitely pick you.

F: Shit, I think I'll just have to go with you then, Queen C.

C: Sure, we'll go fuck after this interview's over.

_(B jumps up)_

B: Wait what?! No!

_(B turns to F)_

B: Faith!

F: What? You just said-

B: I was joking, geez!

F: Well it's not like I could tell!

B: Can't I even make a joke once in a while?

_(Cue crickets)_

AY: Buffy, since I know humans value honesty, I am going to have to tell you that you can be one of the largest party kills I've met in the past century.

C: Almost as bad as Angel, sometimes.

AG: Hey!

S: And always so damn bloody bent on being serious.

W: That's Buffy, with the non-letting go...ness.

D: Thank God for Faith.

F: Psh. God had **nothing** to do with it, kid.

G: Good grief. Anya, the question?

AY: Oh right.

_(Pause)_

AY: Of course I'd pick Xander. I certainly would have no use for money if I had nobody to share it's special value with.

X: I guess that's kind of a compliment?

K: I'm pretty sure it was.

_(AY & X kiss)_

Audience: Aww.

S: Oh please.

Me: Now now, Spike. Don't get all bitter because you haven't had any in a while.

S: Shut up, Lost.

Me: Can't. It's not a part of my job description.

_(S grumbles)_

Me: Anywho, now for the couples. Willow and Kennedy is up first!

_(W & K kiss)_

_(Audience cheers)_

Me: From xXAngel of fireXx...

**"Are you guys thinking of have little Slayer/Wicca hybrids running around soon?"**

B: Oh God.

W: Oh Goddess.

_(K's eyebrows go way up)_

K: Uhh...

_(F shrugs at K)_

F: If you have more than two, I'll start throwing them off a cliff.

B & W & K & D: Faith!

F: What? I was just saying.

AY: I have to agree. Children are quite repulsive little creatures.

X: No kids. Check.

Me: Well, Willow? Kennedy?

W: Soon...no. But it's a possibility.

_(W turns to K)_

W: Isn't it?

_(K smiles weakly)_

K: Definitely. But also definitely not anytime soon. Kids are just a whole new thing to deal with that I'm not ready for.

G: Quite understandable. And a wise choice.

Me: Good good. Next up for the couples questions is Spike and Angel.

_(Everyone laughs)_

C: Never an episode goes by without a question about you two.

AG: You wait. There'll be one.

S: We'll triumph over all of you.

Me: Sure. Now, from kenyon87...

**"When's the last time you were ever with someone?"**

_(S & AG let out sigh of relief)_

S: Nothing about us being gay, eh?

AG: Finally.

_(K sniggers)_

K: Because it's already been established, hasn't it?

_(S whirls around)_

S: I oughta-

_(AG & X hold S back)_

_(K sticks out her tongue)_

D: With someone like...sex? Or in a relationship?

F: Probably sex.

B: It's always sex with you.

F: Never hear you complaining.

B: Point taken.

S: Last time I had sex-

F: I could hear Angel moaning from across the hall.

_(Everyone except S & AG laughs)_

S: Fuck you.

C: You mean Angel?

B: Or should we say..."Peaches"?

_(AG looks to the sky)_

AG: If there is a God, strike me dead. Now.

AY: Well that's just silly. If any one of us were to stake you right now, you'd be dead, but I highly doubt that any of us are God.

_(AG closes eyes)_

_(X pats AG on back)_

X: You can always bang your head against the wall.

D: So that explains why you're so stupid.

X: Hey!

_(Pause)_

X: It's therapeutic.

Me: Now it's time for Faith!

F: Whoo, go me.

Me: Indeed. So, first question is from xXAngel of fireXx...

**"You're probably gonna want to kill me for asking this, but when are you gonna pop the question to Buffy?"**

W: Ooh, I kn-

_(W wilts under F's stare)_

W: **Want** to know, is what I meant, you see...because I...don't...know?

F: You're damn right I'm gonna kill you. Right after I beat the shit out of this witch!

Me: From kenyon87...

**"Were you truly shocked about Buffy talking to Willow about the baby thing and are you interested? And if so, which one of you would be carrying the bun?"**

F: Pft. Not me.

B: Why not? I think it'd look absolutely adorable.

_(F scowls)_

F: **NO.**

Me: From ToryV...

**"Aren't you kinda miffed that some tweeds found your diary, read it, and even published it?"**

_(F jumps up)_

F: That shit was such bull! I **never** had a diary when I was a kid!

AY: Though, I must say, it was a rather interesting read.

_(F gapes)_

Me: From spashley20...

**"Is it weird for you to be somewhat domesticated? You go from the badass lets-steal-weapons slayer to the good guy. Ever miss being bad?"**

B: Hey! You're being a bad influence!

W: She's right. This is a triggering question!

X: A triggering question?

W: Psychology. Junior year?

_(X nods knowingly)_

X: Ah.

_(X turns to AY and whispers)_

X: I have no idea what that is.

Me: From FallenSoldier15...

**"I know you have the whole I'm-my-own-boss persona thing going for you but have you ever considered going into the Marine Corps? You'd make an officer quick and be kickass at being one."**

F: I will the day I support the government.

AG: Like that'll ever happen.

F: Exactly.

Me: From Jinxgirl...

**"What would you do if your Slayer powers were irreversibly taken away and you were just a normal girl (other than the hotness factor which is not and never will be anything approaching normal, lol)?"**

_(All Slayers shudder)_

K: What an awful thought.

Me: From irock...

**"If Buffy was outta the way, who in the group would you sleep with, excluding Cordelia. (Please don't say Giles)"**

F: Dude. Why would you eve include Giles **in** there?!

G: I certainly didn't ask to be. Good heavens.

D: I think I threw up in my mouth a little. Gross.

Me: From missshaped...

**"I have a wonderful girlfriend and all, but I still can't help wondering if you'd go for an Asian girl like me.. I'll describe myself more later on if you'd like."**

_(B scowls)_

B: Damnit.

_(B turns to F)_

B: You have too many fans.

F: I'm sorry?

B: Stop it.

_(F makes face)_

F: What? How?

B: I don't know. Do something!

Me: Shall we get back to this later? We'll pursue the conversation once the question comes up again. As of now, Faith, if you would answer the first question:

**"You're probably gonna want to kill me for asking this, but when are you gonna pop the question to Buffy?"**

_(F scowls)_

F: Not answering this.

_(W giggles)_

B: Wills, we need to talk later.

_(W pales)_

_(F scowls more)_

F: No, you don't! Red, if you even-

W: AHH! Nothing! I didn't do it!

_(X pokes W)_

X: Think you broke her, guys.

C: With sheer mental power? I don't think so.

_(K hugs W)_

K: More like pressure overload. Geez, guys.

F: Well she shouldn't have said shit.

B: She hasn't...yet.

_(W puts on resolve face)_

W: Don't worry, Faith. My lips are sealed.

K: Except when they aren't.

D: You're footing the therapy bill for this month, Kennedy.

_(K flicks D off)_

Me: We understand, Kennedy. Now, next question:

**"Were you truly shocked about Buffy talking to Willow about the baby thing and are you interested? And if so, which one of you would be carrying the bun?"**

F: Nah, I wasn't shocked. B's a white picket fence type girl, if she wasn't a Slayer. Don't know if I really want any babies running around anytime soon, but let me just let it be known that there's definitely no pregnancy in **my **fucking future.

_(W coos)_

W: Aww, but you would look so cute!

_(Girls 'aww')_

K: Could you imagine? Mommy Faith!

D: With a big round tummy that I can pat!

X: Like Buddha!

AY: Except far more attractive.

C: And real.

B: And mine!

_(G looks amused)_

G: Well I dare say it would be...quite a difference in atmosphere.

AG: What with the raging hormones.

S: And maternal pains.

_(F looks horrified)_

F: NO!

_(F glares at W)_

F: Don't you even dare try to do this without my permission, which you will never have, which means you can't do it! Ever!

_(W look innocent)_

W: I have no idea what you're talking about, Faith.

F: I've got my eye on you.

_(F grumbles)_

F: Stupid, sneaky lesbian witches.

_(B pats F's hand)_

Me: And next:

**"Aren't you kinda miffed that some tweeds found your diary, read it, and even published it?"**

F: That shit ain't real.

B: Isn't.

F: Whatever.

Me: So are you saying that 'Go Ask Malice' is not even a true diary publication of yours? That it's just a trickery?

F: Not saying a single fucking thing.

K: That's not fair.

_(AY looks confused)_

AY: Is she saying it's real or that it isn't?

X: She's just not telling us. So it could be fake, or it could be real.

C: Well either way it could work. I mean, it's not very plausible that someone found her diary, but most of it matches up.

_(F holds up hands)_

F: Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute. How many of you read this thing?

_(Everyone raises hands)_

F: What?! Why?!

AY: In a sorry attempt to get to know you better, we all decided to read your published diary that contained all your hidden thoughts and secrets.

_(F sighs)_

F: At least you'll never know if it's bullshit or not.

K: Still not fair!

F: Suck it up.

Me: Hmm, well that's an interesting thought. Let's move on, shall we? Here's the next one:

**"Is it weird for you to be somewhat domesticated? You go from the badass lets-steal-weapons slayer to the good guy. Ever miss being bad?"**

B: Bad influence! Bad!

F: Aw she's just asking an innocent question.

_(B crosses arms)_

B: That is not innocent, and you know it.

C: You can't cage a tiger.

W: Or a wolf.

K: Or a bear.

D: Lion.

X: Godzilla.

AY: Hellhound.

G: A Tartouk demon.

AG: A woman.

S: A Slayer.

Me: A fox?

F: You got it in one, Lost.

Me: Thank you.

F: Yea, totally. But yea, I definitely have the urge to let go, but I don't consider that being bad as long as I know what I'm doing. When I used to let go, I just let go of everything; morals, desires, consequences. It feels so good, but the aftermath is what you have to live with for the rest of your life.

G: Well put.

X: Hear hear!

Me: What an inspiring way to put it, Faith. Next up:

**"I know you have the whole I'm-my-own-boss persona thing going for you but have you ever considered going into the Marine Corps? You'd make an officer quick and be kickass at being one."**

D: That's very true.

F: Yea, but I don't support the government that runs it. 'Specially not after watching that crazy ass conspiracy movie.

Me: Zeitgeist?

F: Man, that was fucking nuts!

B: Chills down my spine.

G: Certainly otherworldly demons aren't the only ones working against us.

F: I think the discipline is good, but I got enough of that in prison.

AG: Fair enough.

F: S'what I'm saying.

Me: Alrighty then...next:

**"What would you do if your Slayer powers were irreversibly taken away and you were just a normal girl (other than the hotness factor which is not and never will be anything approaching normal, lol)?"**

_(F makes a scrunched face)_

F: Uh...slay anyway?

K: I'll drink to that.

_(F & K high five)_

_(B & W sigh)_

B: They're gonna get themselves killed someday

W: Well you and Faith already have a couple up on Kennedy.

_(K grins)_

K: I'll get there soon enough.

_(W frowns)_

W: You will not!

Me: Yea, don't get yourself killed Kennedy. We can't another destructive Willow around.

K: Oh good point.

Me: Anywho, next:

**"If Buffy was outta the way, who in the group would you sleep with, excluding Cordelia. (Please don't say Giles)"**

_(B puts hands on hips)_

B: Excuse me, but there is no "out of the way" going on.

_(B turns to F)_

B: I really don't understand why these people are all so intent on getting you to sleep with other people!

_(F shrugs)_

F: Beats me, B.

W: Um, possibly because she's a very sexual attractive woman who could land anybody she wanted?

_(Silence)_

B: Oh.

K: Yea. Kinda hard to miss.

AY: Hush, I want to know the answer.

G: Oh bollocks.

F: Hmm. That's a tough choice, but I think I'll just have to say...An.

Everyone: What?!

_(F shrugs again)_

F: Well I'm not actually gonna say who I'd sleep with; might as well make someone happy.

AY: So we don't know if you actually mean it or not?

F: Right.

_(AY thinks for a moment, then shrugs happily)_

AY: I'm still pleased that you called my name.

F: See? Everyone's happy.

_(B grumbles)_

B: I'm not.

_(F kisses B)_

_(B blushes)_

B: Okay, maybe a little now.

Audience: Aww.

Me: How sweet, Faith, in a strange kind of way. Now for your last comment:

**"I have a wonderful girlfriend and all, but I still can't help wondering if you'd go for an Asian girl like me.. I'll describe myself more later on if you'd like."**

_(F grins)_

F: Girlfriend, you know I don't discriminate. I am an equal opportunist.

_(B scowls)_

B: Lucky me.

S: Lucky you? Pft. Lucky us, if anything, Slayer. Means us chaps on the sidelines still have a chance!

_(B shakes fist)_

B: Not if I have anything to say about it!

W: Aw, Asian girls are so cute!

K: Asians are smoking.

AY: They're rather small.

X: Which is why we like them. They're like...bitesize!

D: It's always half and half with them, have you noticed? They're either ridiculously beautiful or just...not.

W: I don't know, they can be pretty average.

C: I agree with Dawn. They're hot or not.

AG: Do **not** go Paris Hilton on me now. I can hardly stand you at the office.

_(C flips AG off)_

S: I have to say, though, Asian women...they certainly are the ones to look out for.

G: Quite so.

_(Everyone stares at G)_

B: Excuse me?

_(G turns red)_

G: I didn't...I just meant...oh bother.

X: Aha! I knew it! Giles was a player back in the day!

_(D puts face in hands)_

D: Ugh! Don't even bring that up again!

G: I agree with that sentiment fully.

_(F laughs)_

F: Anyways, yea I'd totally dig. Depending on who you are, personality, looks...

_(K rolls eyes)_

K: Mostly looks.

F: Shh! Don't say that. It makes me sound shallow.

C: Faith, you **are** shallow.

_(F looks indignant)_

F: Am not!

_(Pause)_

F: Okay, so maybe a little.

Me: I believe that's it...oh wait, there's one last question from xXAngel of fireXx...

**"Chica, you just opened a whole can of worms on yourself, you know that right? (Anya, just so you know, that was an expression.)"**

_(AY humphs)_

AY: I knew that!

_(Pause)_

Me: Oh dear.

B: Wait, what? Who was that to?

Me: Um...me.

_(Pause)_

_(Everyone laughs)_

F: Dude! I totally forgot about that! And she's right!

S: Bloody lass was the only one who completely caught on to that, wasn't she?

Me: Shut. Up.

K: Ha ha, now they're gonna start asking **you** questions!

Me: Hush! I'm ending this right now!

D: You can't do that!

Me: Yes I can, I'm writing this as we speak. So goodnight and goodday to all of you reviewers, I apologize for taking so long on this, and please leave your questions and comments at the end. Thank you and goodnight!

_(Everyone still laughing in the background)_

_(Except B & C, who have gotten into another catfight)_

_(And AY, who is video recording the whole thing)_

_(Ending theme)_


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello hello! Here it is, what you have been waiting for! Enjoy and please review.**

**

* * *

**

_(Opening theme)_

Me: Welcome one, and welcome all, to-

Everyone: An Interview With The Vampire Slayers!

AY: Except it's really not just an interview anymore. More like...nine interviews.

K: And counting.

Me: Well the title is just, "Interview With The Vampire Slayers".

_(AY ignores and continues)_

AY: And it's really not just an interview with the Slayers anymore. I mean, the whole group gets questions now.

Me: Yes, well-

AY: So all in all the title of this show is very misleading and incorrect.

_(Cue crickets)_

_(I give X a look)_

_(X shrugs)_

X: I ordered the muzzle. It should be coming in sometime this week, I promise.

_(AY look curious)_

AY: Does it come with a four legged animal of some kind?

X: Uh...sure.

AY: Are you lying?

_(X gulps)_

X: Maybe?

_(AY frowns)_

_(C rolls eyes)_

_(D sighs)_

_(K crosses arms)_

_(W shakes head)_

_(B purses lips)_

_(F smirks)_

C: You do realize that lying is one of the worst things a man could do?

D: And that Anya, your **wife**, just happens to be an ex-vengeance demon?

K: One that wreaked vengeance on **men** specifically for doing shit to their **wives** or girlfriends?

W: Like...turn them into cockroaches or made them disappear?

B: And just generally made them suffer?

F: Do you want like, a bag or something?

_(Everyone turns to F)_

Everyone: What?

_(F shrugs)_

F: Well he looks kinda sick.

_(Everyone looks at X)_

_(X twitches and turns green)_

_(AY pokes X)_

_(X squeals)_

X: Augh! No four legged animal! None! Just a muzzle!

_(AY quirks an eyebrow)_

AY: What for? I really don't see why-

Me: Well! Let's go ahead and get started, why don't we? It seems that there aren't any single questions towards Buffy, so we'll move right along, shall we?

_(B grumbles)_

B: What, so I'm just not good enough anymore, is that it?

_(F pats B's hand)_

F: No baby, they've just asked pretty much all they could've asked by now.

B: Whatever.

C: Oh stop complaining.

_(B scowls)_

B: Kiss my ass.

_(C fakes a yawn)_

C: As if.

Me: Ah yes, well, let us just continue on. Angel, you take the first stand!

AG: Do I?

Me: Yes, yes you do.

AG: Alright.

Me: From xXAngel of fireXx...

**"Why so serious?"**

_(Silence)_

_(AG lifts brows)_

AG: Are you serious?

_(I look down at cards)_

Me: Um...yea, I'm pretty sure the question is correctly portrayed.

_(X jumps excitedly)_

X: Does this have some kind of relation to the Joker in The Dark Knight?

_(F jumps up, too)_

F: Oh my God, that shit was the best acting I've seen in so long!

_(K shakes head)_

K: Haven't we been over this?

_(F & X ignore K)_

X: Dude, the hospital scene was beyond words!

F: I was cracking up when I saw him pressing the damn buttons.

_(W turn to K)_

W: Yes, I believe we have.

AY: Xander, stop jumping like a small child.

B: Faith, sit.

_(C huffs)_

C: What is she, your dog?

B: What business is it of yours?

_(C crosses arms)_

C: Oh, I don't know, the business of being one of her closest friends, maybe? And the fact that you treat her like your little bitch?

_(B glowers)_

B: I do not!

S: Gotta say, Slayer, you kind of do.

_(B puts hands on hips)_

B: What? That's not true!

D: Can we get back to the question, please?

_(AY tugs at X's sleeve)_

AY: Really, Xander. You're making me lose count of where I am.

K: Maybe you should stop re-counting your money. I mean, you've done it enough times already.

AY: Don't be silly. 27 times is hardly enough. 50 is a good, round, number.

_(Everyone gives X a look)_

_(X shrugs)_

X: So she's an odd one, so what?

_(F shakes head)_

F: Yea, good luck.

AY: For what?

F: Ah, nevermind. Go on, Soulboy.

_(AG rolls eyes)_

AG: Yea. Thanks.

_(Pause)_

AG: I'm not all **that** serious.

_(Cue crickets)_

_(Cue incoming hysterical laughter)_

_(S gasps for breath)_

S: Not...serious? Puahaha, you're the goddamn most bloody depressed chap I've known in my...un-life!

_(C steadies herself)_

C: Honestly, Angel...not all that serious? Ha!

_(W giggles)_

W: You really do have that dark broody bout thing.

_(X chuckles)_

X: It's the "mystery" that's going for you!

_(AG frowns)_

_(F points)_

F: See?

_(AG sighs)_

Me: Sorry Angel, I do believe it's rather hard to dismiss. Anywho, shall we move on? The next two single's question is for Giles. Are you ready, dear sir?

_(G adjusts glasses)_

G: I do believe so.

Me: Wonderful! From Jinxgirl...

**"So why didn't you realize when Faith first came to town that putting a fifteen or sixteen year old girl in a ratty hotel room alone and not giving her money or much support was not the way to go?"**

_(Cue crickets)_

_(G flushes)_

Me: From HermioneSparta...

**"What secrets do you know about Angel that no one else knows; like something that might prove he's gay?"**

_(All girls burst out laughing)_

_(AG scowls)_

Me: The first question, Giles?

_(F fidgets nervously)_

G: Ahem. Well, I believe-

F: You don't have to explain yourself, G. We all make mistakes.

G: No no, Faith. I believe it is a rather legitimate question, and a subject that has yet to be touched upon.

_(G clears throat)_

G: I am a man of ignorance at times when it suits me best, and at the time, even at my ripe age, I was still a naive. For the second time in history there were two Slayers, and I should've jumped at the opportunity to guide both, whether or not Faith was under my guidance or not. I waited for Faith to come to me for help, instead of initiating assistance on my own. It was, as a Watcher and as a human being, a mistake that I would make sure to avoid again.

_(F is embarrassed)_

F: It's all in the past, G-man. No big.

G: Except it really was, Faith. And I apologize profusely.

_(W & X nod)_

X: Yea, same here.

W: Lots of apologies from the very very naive Wiccan!

_(B smiles sadly)_

B: No amount of sorries could really make up for what happened.

_(F flushes)_

F: Whoa hold up, gang. I made a shitload of mistakes, so don't go thinking it's all your faults, now.

B: We know, but sometimes we all need a humility lesson.

C: I have a few apologies to spare, myself.

AG: As do I, Faith.

_(Pause)_

_(AY looks around curiously before piping up)_

AY: I don't.

_(S shrugs)_

S: Me neither.

D: Yea, except for the fighting with her thing during the-

_(S rolls eyes)_

S: Yea, yea, the Slayer and I already went over it.

Me: The next question for Giles:

**"What secrets do you know about Angel that no one else knows; like something that might prove he's gay?"**

AG: Well first of all, I'm not fucking gay.

_(G clears throat in an amused fashion)_

G: Although I am not sworn under secrecy, I choose not to disclose any...ah...**homosexual** secrets that may or may not allude to Angel's past, present, or future.

_(AG groans)_

AG: Great. That just makes me sound more gay.

_(S grins)_

S: As long as it isn't me, mate!

_(AG scowls)_

AG: I could still kick your 'bloody' ass, 'mate'!

_(S cracks knuckles)_

S: Bring it on, you old codge.

K: Sheesh, get a room, why don't you?

_(AY shushes K)_

AY: Um, excuse me? I'm **recording**.

_(K rolls eyes)_

Me: Well good. I'm glad the issues have all been resolved. Now, moving onto Cordelia.

C: Ooh, lucky me.

_(B snaps)_

B: Oh don't be so bitter.

_(C humphs)_

C: Who's bitter? I was just being sarcastic.

B: Same difference.

C: Not really.

_(F nudges AY)_

_(AY whips out video camera)_

_(X grins)_

X: Buffy and Cordelia catfight, take 20938543!

W: Ooh! I brought popcorn!

_(K smiles sweetly)_

K: I'll go microwave it. Sit tight.

_(D coughs)_

D: Ass-kisser!

_(K flips off D)_

B: You know, maybe you should stop butting into people's business.

C: Who's butting? You're the one who started this.

B: Well maybe if you weren't such a-

Me: Hey now, let's calm down. We haven't even gotten to the comment yet.

_(B & C settle down in a huff)_

C: Okay. Shoot.

_(B mutters)_

B: -her in the face.

_(C scowls)_

_(B sticks out tongue)_

_(F grins and enjoys the show)_

Me: From Heartbrake Angel...

**"I honestly just want to know why you are such a bitch."**

_(Audience gasps)_

_(C darkens)_

_(B raises eyebrows_)

C: Well **I** want to know why **you**'re such a little-

_(W interrupts, while crunching on popcorn)_

W: Cordy's not all that bitchy, she's just very particular about her looks, the people she hangs out with, her morals, and...yea!

_(Pause)_

G: Well put, Willow.

_(C sighs and shakes head)_

C: I never thought I'd see the day Willow would be the one to defend me.

_(W looks confused)_

W: Me neither.

D: Well, never say never.

_(Everyone gives D a weird look)_

D: What?

_(F shrugs)_

F: I don't know, that was just a little odd.

Me: I think it's rather appropriate, considering you're next up, Dawn.

_(D beams)_

D: See? There's a reason for everything.

_(Cue crickets)_

X: Is it just me or is she turning more into Giles everyday?

K: It must be a Watcher-In-Training thing.

S: She's even wearing those bloody glasses!

_(D humphs and adjusts glasses)_

D: I think they're cute.

Me: As they are, Dawn. Now, from Heartbrake Angel...

**"First off I must say you are the hottest out of everyone (including Faith). If you had to chose between having Cordelia or Buffy as a sister who would it be and why?"**

_(D beams)_

_(Some shake head)_

_(F shrugs)_

F: Some people have different tastes. I totally dig.

_(C rolls eyes)_

C: Well it's the same little freak that called me a bitch, so who cares if she finds the brat more attractive than you.

G: Cordelia! You should learn to choose your words.

AG: That'll be the day.

_(C flips AG off)_

_(AY sighs and puts video camera down)_

AY: I have to say, you two are too much like an old couple. Why can't you be more interesting like Buffy is when she and Cordelia get into fights? At least she's more creative.

_(AG raises eyebrows)_

AG: Creative?

X: Well, the Buffster **does** have a solid punch.

D: And screams really loud.

W: She's also very bony.

K: And scratches.

S: She'll kick a chap in the shins, she will.

G: Buffy does have a rather strong tendency to humiliate someone.

C: It's the hair-pulling.

AY: She's got this godawful habit of talking until you fall asleep.

F: And she bites.

_(Silence)_

Me: Buffy bites?

F: Yea.

_(D makes face)_

D: TMI.

C: Seriously.

G: For God's sake, answer the question.

D: Okay, okay! Um, well...I guess I'd just stay with Buffy. I mean, Cordy's cool and all, but Buffy's been a good sister. As annoying as she is-

_(B scowls)_

B: Dawn Summers-

D: -she loves me and looks after me and I really couldn't ask for more out of a sister. I would give up a lot for her.

Audience: Aww!

_(B blushes)_

_(D blushes)_

_(W giggles)_

_(X grins goofily)_

_(S gags)_

S: Spare me the bloody family talk.

F: No kidding.

Me: Oh you know it was sweet, Faith. Speaking of which, I believe you're next up!

_(F grins)_

F: Sweet. Bring it on, girlfriend!

Me: I shall do so. From Heartbrake Angel...

**"If Buffy made you chose between no sex (masturbating also) or no flirting what would it be?"**

_(F scoffs)_

F: Are you kidding me? That's not even a question.

_(AY pipes up)_

AY: I think you're wrong, Faith. It's very much a question, but it certainly isn't one that makes sense.

_(W tilts head questioningly)_

W: Huh?

AY: Well with her looks, Faith can't **not** flirt. Therefore, if she wasn't in existence, she couldn't have sex either. So it just doesn't make any sense at all. This question annuls itself.

_(Cue crickets)_

_(F gives X a look)_

F: Your girlfriend's-

_(X nods)_

X: Really weird. I know.

_(F nods, too)_

F: Just making sure you did.

_(Pause)_

F: I guess the pretty obvious answer is I would definitely go without flirting rather than go without sex.

AY: How smart of you. I certainly never understood why-

F: Everything thought I was dumb. I know. You say that all the time.

AY: Well I don't.

F: Thanks, An.

Me: Wonderous. Now the more-than-ones. This one is to all the Scoobies as a whole from xXAngel of fireXx...

**"I know each of you have experience a lot of Demons and creatures in your past and will so in your future, but have you ever met one that just went "Grr...Arrgh"?"**

_(Silence)_

_(X turns to W)_

X: Grr...Arrgh?

_(W shrugs)_

_(G scratches head)_

G: What, exactly, does "Grr...Arrgh" entail?

AY: Well I assume that she is asking if any of your demons were all bark and no bite. For people who always seem to yell at me for not understanding expressions, you certainly don't know much yourselves!

_(Cue crickets...again)_

S: You're a bloody strange one, I hope you know.

AG: Strange would be an understatement.

X: So would bloody; have you heard all the things she's done?

_(Pause)_

_(X squeaks)_

X: To men?!

_(D scoffs)_

D: All of it well-deserved.

S: Uh, I don't think so.

C: I do.

K: So do I.

W: It all had merit.

AG: What? They did not!

B: Yes, it so did.

_(X flails arms)_

X: Are you crazy?

_(F grins)_

F: Guilty as charged.

_(G sighs and shakes head while they argue)_

G: No, I don't believe we had one that just went "Grr...Arrgh." Not one we considered anything of a threat, anyhow.

Me: Thank you, Giles. There's one for Dawn and Cordelia from HermioneSparta...

**"Why don't you just hook up already?"**

_(Fight comes to an end)_

_(D & C & B make faces)_

D: Ew, she's old!

C: Ugh, she's Buffy's brat sister!

B: Absolutely not!

_(D & C & B turn to each other and start pointing)_

C: I am** not** old!

D: I'm not a brat!

B: What difference does it make that she's **my** sister?!

_(AY films)_

AY: This is wonderful footage. I wonder how much it's worth.

S: Depends who you sell it to, love.

F: The highest bidder, bleachboy.

_(AY beams)_

AY: Faith is such a fast learner.

_(F winks)_

Me: Next, to the slayers in the group from spashley20...

**"I know you're all tough slayers, but you must be afraid of something. What is your biggest fear?"**

K: Not being good enough for Willow.

B: Not being able to be there for Faith.

F: Losing Buffy.

_(They look at each other)_

B: Not being able to save the world is a pretty prominent one, too.

F: Definitely

K: For sure.

_(Awed silence)_

W: Well that was somber.

C: Solemn.

D: Serious.

X: Depressing.

AG: Burdened.

S: Heavy.

G: Important.

_(AY lets out exasperated sigh)_

AY: It all means the same damn thing. I'm certain that the audience got the point!

_(Everyone stares at AY)_

_(Then turns to X)_

_(X holds up hands)_

X: I know, I know.

Me: As long as you know, Xander. Now, for Spike and Angel, there are two questions. From Jinxgirl...

**"Do you still have dreams about Buffy? How about each other?"**

_(S & AG groan)_

AG: More?

S: Bloody hell.

Me: From Heartbrake Angel...

**"If you had to sleep with a a guy who would it be? (and you can pick each other)"**

_(Everyone titters)_

AG: I refuse to answer any of those.

S: Yea, same here.

K: Aw how cute, they want to keep it between the two of them!

_(S bares fangs)_

S: How 'bout we keep this between the two of us, eh?

W: Whoa now, no mauling of my girlfriend.

Me: Well Angel and Spike, you-

AG & S: **NO!**

Me: Oh...um...okay then. I suppose you don't have to answer those if you don't want to...

AG: Thank you.

S: Finally, someone with a sense.

F: Aw, you should've made them answer it.

Me: Well, Faith, I believe it's their own business, and besides, it just makes them seem more like closet cases, whether they are or not.

_(Girls giggle)_

B: Good point.

_(AG & S scowl)_

AG: Fuck you.

Me: Maybe later, Angel. Now is not the time.

_(AG groans)_

Me: Faith and Buffy! It's your turn now. From Jinxgirl...

**"Where is the other girl's Achilles heel body-wise? (sexually, ticklish wise, or insecure wise - you pick one or answer all of above)"**

Me: From HernioneSparta...

**"Would you consider a threesome with Spike (who isn't gay and can prove it with all the past sex he had with Buffy, unlike Angel who lost his soul after one night)."**

_(S grins)_

S: Oh I like this girl.

C: Right. Anything to support your charade.

_(S scowls)_

_(C ignores S)_

F: Well B's ticklish pretty much everywhere, she's normally insecure about how she's viewed socially, and in sex, she's-

_(B covers F's mouth)_

B: Not going to answer that part.

F: Aw but why?

B: Because I said so.

_(F pouts)_

_(B ignores F)_

B: My turn. Faith isn't very ticklish except on the lower ribs if you get the right angle and spot. She's insecure about acceptance, and sex in general is her Achilles' heel.

_(F grins)_

F: Can't help it, B. Just love the love-making.

C: I'll drink to that.

X: Same here!

D: Pour me a drink!

K: I'll take a swig.

W: Margaritas!

G: I'd rather a gin.

S: Bloody Mary.

_(AG grumbles)_

AG: That was **my** drink.

S: Oh get over it, you ponce.

Me: Well hold the party until later. Next question?

F: A threesome?

_(Pause)_

B: With Spike?

_(Pause)_

_(F & B glance at each other)_

_(F shrugs)_

_(B rolls eyes)_

F: Sure. One time thing. Don't like sharing, though.

B: Only if I was drunk.

_(S pumps fist in air)_

S: Yes!

_(Others grumble)_

F: Oh, the offer goes for all of you.

_(F winks)_

B: Except Dawn. And Giles. No offense.

D & G: None taken.

Me: Well that's settled. It'll just be a large orgy-fest tonight then, hm? Let's see, I believe some of the questioners have decided to drop a couple on me. From xXAngel of fireXx...

**"I'm sorry but you brought this onto yourself and you were a big part of this just like all the others. I feel we, the questioners, have a right to ask you questions too!"**

Me: A very solid point, I can accept that. From Heartbrake Angel...

**"I'm honestly surspised that no one has went after you since you pick which questions they have to answer."**

Me: I'm not sure I really get this question, considering I don't pick the questions. I put out all the questions that are asked. Anywho, it is funny that I've been asked questions only after about 8 chapters. And lastly, from Miss_Shaped...

**"So, Ms. Lost, what kind of people are YOU attracted to(sex, personality, type, looks, etc)?"**

Me: Aha. Now we're getting personal, aren't we? Well, I'm bi-sexual, I prefer my men manly and my women womanly; I find no reason to date a man who is girly, if I could just be with a girl and vice versa. I like men for their rugged, man-like quality as I like women for their sensuality and femininity.

_(X hollers)_

_(F whoops)_

F: Rock on!

Me: Since apparently I only seem to attract the emotionally fucked-up characters, it would be nice to find someone who is capable of taking care of themselves and - once in a while - of me.

B: Absolutely.

W: I agree completely!

Me: I am a very visual person, therefore I am a bit discriminatory when it comes to looks; they **are** important.

_(C nods)_

C: People who claim they don't care about looks are seriously full of shit. In a generation and a world like ours, of **course** it matters!

AY: Of course. Why in the world would anybody go after someone they were not attracted to? It would make no sense whatsoever.

Me: It's all personal preference, and so it's not being shallow, I'd say it's just being particular to who you prefer.

D: Um duh!

Me: I think that was...basically it, right?

AG: Pretty much.

S: You could always expound upon it.

Me: I'd rather not. It's late and I'm a bit sick. But before we end, I'd like to mention that we have a new president, and that I am proud to be a supporter.

_(Everyone cheers)_

Me: However, there was also a huge loss yesterday that saddens me.

_(Pause)_

Me: The passing of Proposition 8 in California: the ban of gay marriage.

F: Fuck that!

B: Oh my God!

W: Oh my Goddess!

K: Damnit!

D: What?!

X: Egad!

S: Bloody fucking religious fanatics.

AG: Damn.

G: Bollocks.

AY: I think we should burn some buildings.

Me: They're going to recount the absentee ballots soon, so hopefully it'll not be long before those rights are given back to the people, but in the meantime, we should all work to defend the rights of the GLBT community.

_(Everyone cheers)_

Me: Leave your comments and questions (only 3 please) in the review box. Thank you everyone, and goodnight!

_(Ending theme)_


	10. Chapter 10

**Yes, I realize it's been a longass time, but here I am again, returning to you with the 10th episode of An Interview With The Vampire Slayers! **

**I do hope you enjoy it, and please review and leave questions at the end!**

* * *

_(Opening theme)_

Me: Welcome everybody out there, how wonderful it is to see you all again in this fabulous new year of 2009, here at-

Everyone: An Interview with the Vampire Slayers!

K: For Christ's sake, that's getting really old.

W: Well, we haven't done it in a while, so not too old. It's been a long time since we've had a show.

_(K shrugs)_

K: I guess.

Me: Indeed, it has been a long time, but what better way to start the new year with a brand new episode?

F: Dude, it's like...the middle of February.

X: Yea, you're a little late.

C: Says the premature ejaculator.

_(W's eyes widen)_

_(F chokes)_

_(AG coughs)_

_(B covers mouth with hand)_

_(G sighs)_

_(D slaps forehead)_

_(K raises eyebrows)_

_(S smirks)_

_(X turns bright red)_

_(AY places hand on hips)_

AY: Excuse me, but I don't think anybody asked you for your unwanted opinion. Xander may have cheated on you, but that is no reason to blurt out things you have no idea about. He is extremely well-versed in the bedroom activities-

_(AY continues while others speak over)_

B: Like sleeping.

W: Watching TV.

F: Jacking off.

_(B smacks F on arm)_

AY: -and, well, yes, that is included, too, Faith, thank you for reminding me. Anyways, you really should me more considerate of other people's feelings-

_(AG snorts)_

AG: Cordelia? Considerate of feelings?

_(X pats AY, laughing nervously)_

X: Heh, yea An. Cordy's kinda incapable of that.

_(AY crosses arms)_

AY: What are you, a demoness?

S: Obviously. The girl's got it in her blood, somewhere.

_(C flips hair)_

C: At least I have sense enough to follow the fashion sense over the years, Billy Idol.

_(S scowls)_

B: She has a point.

C: Thank you, Buffy.

B: You're very welcome.

_(Everyone gapes)_

_(F turns to W)_

F: Did they just have a civil interchange of dialogue?

_(Everyone gapes again)_

_(W looks at F curiously)_

W: Did you just use words that have more than two syllables?

_(F scowls)_

F: Well it's not like I'm retarded or anything. Sheesh.

Me: Anyways, I believe we should go ahead and get started with these questions, since that's what these people are here for.

G: Please do.

Me: Buffy, you first, per usual.

_(B gives dazzling smile)_

B: Yay!

Me: From Jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"Has Faith ever sang to you? If not, use one of your techniques (pouting, crying, pleading eyes, glares) to get her to do it right now. In fact, even if she has, use one of those techniques to get her to do it now."**

F: Oh, you wish.

D: You're pretty good, though.

_(F turns slightly pink)_

F: Whatever.

Me: From spashley20...

_(drum roll)_

**"Will anyone be good enough in your eyes to date Dawn? You found Faith, shouldn't you give her the opportunity to do the same?"**

(D rolls eyes)

D: Uh, **yea**, she **should**, but she **won't**, because she's just fucking **nuts**.

_(C blows on nails)_

C: Just figured that out, did you?

_(B glares)_

K: That was a short-lived honeymoon.

Me: From Lupo...

_(drum roll)_

**"Aren't you afraid if you change Faith too much (domesticate) you will no longer want her? Aside from her being smokin hot that is..."**

_(F turns to B)_

F: That ever happens, I will kick your ass all over the country.

_(B pecks F)_

B: Won't happen.

Audience: Aww.

Me: And lastly, from FaithsGirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"You said you like Spice Girls, and Backstreet Boys. But what do you think of S Club 7?"**

B: First of all, you are **so** not Faith's girl!

W: Now now, Buffy, you have to be nice to the people who ask questions.

B: Do not.

X: Err...hate to break it to ya, Buff, but it's true.

_(B sighs)_

B: Whatever.

Me: In any case, Buffy, you may go ahead and answer the first question:

**"Has Faith ever sang to you? If not, use one of your techniques (pouting, crying, pleading eyes, glares) to get her to do it right now. In fact, even if she has, use one of those techniques to get her to do it now."**

B: She has, most of the time drunkenly, but even then she has a beautiful voice.

Me: Well I'm sure the audience would love to hear it. Faith?

_(F purses lips)_

F: No.

_(Audience pleads)_

Audience: Awwww...

_(F scowls)_

F: I said no.

_(X nudges F)_

X: Come on, Faith, it'll be like that one time in karaoke!

_(K sniggers)_

K: Yea, except **sober**.

_(S is totally confused)_

S: What the bloody hell are you talking about? This is literature! These bints **read** this crap, how in the world are they going to be able to hear the Slayer sing anyway?

_(AY shrugs)_

AY: We're magical.

_(S gives AY blank stare)_

_(W nods knowingly)_

W: Pretty much.

S: But...that doesn't even...it's not...

Me: Get with the picture, Spike. The world moves on without you otherwise.

_(S sulks and mutters)_

S: Bloody crazy wankers.

Me: Well Faith, I don't suppose you'd sing us a song, now, would you? It was my birthday not too long ago.

_(F looks nervous)_

F: Uh...I don't think so.

W: Come on, Faith!

X: Yea, you can actually sing, too!

C: Better than Angel, at the very least.

_(AG scowls at C, but rolls eyes)_

AG: Can't argue with that point.

_(K sniggers)_

K: Barry Manilow.

_(Everyone else sniggers)_

_(AG groans)_

AG: Come on! I was trying to do some good!

B: Mhm. Sure.

AG: What?! Buffy, you've had to do some pretty crazy things to save people.

B: Yea, like...oh, I don't know...**die**.

AG: Well I can't really do that, considering I'm already dead!

G: I hardly think it's a matter of competition, Angel.

D: Yea, Angel, I thought you were bigger than that.

_(AG sputters)_

AG: Are you fucking serious?

X: What, we don't look serious enough to you?

_(Everyone looks dead serious)_

_(AG scowls and puts chin in hands)_

Me: Then I suppose we should ah, move on, shall we? Buffy, the next question was:

**"Will anyone be good enough in your eyes to date Dawn? You found Faith, shouldn't you give her the opportunity to do the same?"**

B: So far she's been having trouble finding good ones, so **until** she does, I won't approve. Doesn't mean I'm stopping her from dating.

D: Well good. Cause you can't.

B: But if you turn into a giant again, we're not changing you back.

_(D mutters)_

D: Some sister.

X: Glad I don't have one.

_(S nods towards AY)_

S: No, but you have that crazy bint to keep you on your toes.

_(AY glares)_

AY: I resent that.

S: Good, that was the point.

Me: Well, going on. Next question, Buffy:

**"Aren't you afraid if you change Faith too much (domesticate) you will no longer want her? Aside from her being smokin hot that is..."**

B: I would never **not** want Faith!

S: That's really too bad, love.

_(B glares)_

B: You stay away.

_(C stares seductively at F)_

C: If it ever does happen, you know where to find me.

_(F winks)_

_(B smacks F)_

F: Ow! B!

B: Why did you wink? There should not have been winkage!

_(F rubs arm)_

F: Chicks can't ever take a fucking joke nowadays...

D: Neither can the guys.

X: That's not true! We manly men can take jokes anyday!

_(F snorts)_

F: You and what set of balls?

AY & X: Hey!

F: See? Killed both arguments with one stone.

Me: Last question, Buffy:

**"You said you like Spice Girls, and Backstreet Boys. But what do you think of S Club 7?"**

G: Who?

D: Oh they're old.

W: What? They are not old, they were all the rage when we were kids.

B: I thought they were pretty cute.

F: Especially that brunette chick.

K: Yea, she was spicy.

B: Hey!

W: Yea, hey!

_(F & K exchange grins)_

F & K : Heeeey.

B: Don't "heeeey" us, we were "hey!"-ing you!

W: Yea!

F: What about, babe?

K: I don't see any problems, do you, Faith?

F: None over here.

K: Yea, me neither.

B: You so aren't allowed to think other girls are cute.

_(F rolls eyes)_

F: And I thought I was the jealous one.

B: I'm not jealous!

_(Pause)_

D: Are you kidding? You're one of the most jealous people I know!

G: I must say, Buffy, you are rather...aggressive on that point.

AG: Rather aggressive?

S: How 'bout crazy aggressive?

C: Or how about just crazy?

X: Gotta agree. Your eyes are full of the green, Buff.

AY: Well of course it is, Xander, she can't help that she was born with that. It's genetic.

F: Wait, what are we talking about again?

B: We-

C: Buffy's prone-ness to jealousy, psychoticism, and green eyes.

F: Ohh, okay. Gotcha.

Me: Oh indeed. I suppose now we should continue on to the next interviewee, shall we? And I believe that is...Anya.

AY: Okay, but before we start, I was just wondering how much do we profit from this?

_(Cue crickets)_

Me: Er, I'm afraid you don't really get any profit from thi-

AY: What? Then why are we wasting our time doing these interviews?

G: I believe it's for the sake of our ah, "fans", Anya.

AY: It's the middle of winter, what in the world do I need fans for?

G: I...they...fans are...oh bollocks, never mind.

AY: I mean, this just doesn't make sens-

Me: **So** Anya, here are your questions! From spashley20...

_(drum roll)_

**"Does it bother you that everyone thinks you're weird? (I'm glad you're weird, it's very entertaining.)"**

AY: What? Who thinks I'm weird?

_(G & AG cough)_

_(K & S snigger)_

_(W & B roll eyes)_

_(C & D smirk)_

_(F whistles)_

_(X bites lip)_

_(AY puts hands on hips)_

AY: Well? I don't think I'm weird. **Am I, Xander?**

_(X pales and squeaks)_

X: NO! Of course not, An, not weird at all!

AY: See?

_(G mutters)_

G: Oh yes, because we can certainly trust Xander's judgement.

_(AY smacks G)_

G: For God's sake, Anya! What in the world was that for?

AY: For one, you insulted Xander. Two, well, it was rather fun.

_(G grumbles)_

Me: Well moving on! Anya, your next question is from FaithsGirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"So far, how much money have you gotten for the video's of the catfight's between Buffy and Cordy?"**

_(AY whips out index cards)_

AY: Actually, FaithsGirl-

_(B scowls)_

B: NOT Faith's girl.

_(F grins)_

F: Chill out, B. Let the girl dream.

_(B pouts)_

AY: So before I was rudely interrupted, I was going to say that those videos have been wildly popular amongst heterosexual males for pleasure. Just as popular amongst homosexual males for the sake of gossiping about the drama and making bets whether or not Buffy or Cordelia will win the next fight, and mostly distributed amongst all females for the sake of learning how to...

_(AY looks down at card)_

AY: "Break that skank ho's face in for trying to steal my baby's heart from me, yo!"

_(Silence)_

K: ...so how much did you get?

_(AY puts cards back in pocket)_

AY: About $25 per video.

Me: So you **are** making a profit.

AY: I guess so.

Me: Next up is Xander! From xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"Do you ever wear the eye patch just for fun? Oh and by the way the question to Angel last time was a relation to the Dark Knight. I thought it would be funny to ask."**

X: Ha! I knew it!

_(D pats X)_

D: Gee, way to go, Xander.

X: Hey, it was a good movie.

K: We know.

Me: Er...the question, Xander?

X: Oh yea.

_(X reads question again)_

X: Patchy? Mr. Patchy? Of course I wear it for fun! The ladies dig a man with a scar, you know.

_(AY glares)_

AY: And why would any other lady matter if you already have a wife?

_(X cringes)_

X: Not at all, honey! It was just...ah...an expression as to...how cool wearing an eyepatch is!

AY: Well I think it's just silly. You have your eyes back, there's no reason for you to wear it around.

X: Yes, dear.

_(F coughs into hand)_

F: Pussywhipped!

_(X scowls at F)_

W: I don't see what you're talking about, Faith, considering you're pretty pussywhipped yourself.

_(K smirks)_

K: Yea, **Rogue Slayer**.

F: Fuck off, no I'm not.

B: Yes you are, Faith.

F: But-

B: Not another word.

_(F pouts)_

F: Fine.

_(K coughs into hand)_

K: Pussywhipped.

_(F flicks K off)_

Me: Alright, alright. Next up for the singles is Willow! Ready, darling?

W: Whenever you are!

Me: Wonderful. From Lupo...

_(drum roll)_

**"Kennedy and Tara are like complete polar opposites. Any idea why the abrupt change in your tastes? I mean, Kennedy is actually more of a mini-Faith...Oh!"**

_(K scowls)_

K: Don't even.

F: Ha. Everybody just wants a little piece of Faith.

B: Which they won't get, considering you're all mine.

S: Don't get grabby, now, Slayer. There's enough to share.

_(B glares)_

B: I could kill you, Spike

AG: So who's stopping you?

_(Cue crickets)_

_(S rolls eyes)_

S: Bloody sods.

W: Well, if you're saying I'm dating Kennedy because I - in some subconscious, Freudian way - want Faith, you're wrong.

F: Lies. You want me.

W: Do not.

F: Don't try to deny it, Red. Everyone wants me...in their pants.

G: Certainly not mine; goodness knows what you'd end up doing to them.

_(D rolls eyes)_

D: It's an expression, Giles. Sheesh.

G: I realize, this, Dawn. I was merely attempting at a counter-argumentative joke that seemingly didn't work out the way I planned.

_(X pats G on back)_

X: S'okay, old man, I got you.

_(G sighs)_

G: Oh yes, Xander. That relieves me all the more.

_(X shrugs)_

X: I tried.

_(W clears throat)_

W: Anyways, yes, they're different, but I like to think I'm not subjected to one type of person when I date them.

K: Yea, we're kinda far past dating.

S: Brag about it, why don't you?

_(K smirks)_

K: I will, since it makes you feel bad.

_(S snarls)_

_(K grins)_

Me: Well then, now it's time for the next to last single, which is for Giles!

G: Goody me.

AY: No need to sound so sarcastic. That's my job.

G: Indeed it is. Carry on.

Me: I shall. From Jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"Out of all people present, who gets on your last nerve the quickest?"**

_(G looks around)_

G: Oh my, where's Andrew?

_(F sniggers)_

_(D giggles)_

_(W smiles)_

_(K scoffs)_

_(S snorts)_

_(AG sighs)_

_(AY counts money, uninterested)_

_(C checks nails)_

_(B shakes head)_

_(X grins)_

X: Probably playing some nerdy game online.

W: Oh, like you wouldn't.

_(X straightens up indignantly)_

X: I'm a master on my Xbox, thank you very much.

AY: As you should be; there was a lot of money that went into that console.

F: S'all about the Wii, man.

B: Wii sports!

K: Typical.

B: What's that supposed to mean?

K: Nothing.

B: No really, I don't get it.

_(K rolls eyes)_

K: You wouldn't.

_(B sniffs)_

B: No, I didn't. Hmmph.

Me: Well, the question was, "out of all present".

G: Very well then.

_(G calmly looks over group)_

G: Spike.

X: Ooh, big surprise.

G: And then Xander.

X: Hey!

_(AY looks up)_

AY: What?

X: Nothing, keep counting your money.

_(AY grumbles)_

AY: Well I can't now; you made me lose track.

W: Of your money? That's a first.

AY: Shut it, Willow. I don't need any of your passive aggressive wit.

Audience: Ohhh.

_(W turns to X)_

W: Why, Xander? Why?

_(X shrugs and smiles weakly)_

Me: Time for Faith's questions!

F: Whoot.

Me: From Jinxgirl...

_(drum roll)_

**"Does Buffy have any special words or moves that make you drop the badass front in a hurry? (if so, demonstrate, Buffy ;) )"**

_(F crosses arms)_

F: Who says it's a front? I'm just badass.

K: Oh please.

F: Shut up, wannabe

K: Kiss my ass, you old geezer.

_(G sighs)_

G: For goodness' sake.

F: No, there is nothing.

B: Except a deep tissue massage. That never fails.

_(F blows hair from her face)_

F: Okay, fine, except that.

Me: From spashley20...

_(drum roll)_

**"I dare you to kiss Cordy. And if you don't...you're a chicken."**

B: You bitch.

C: Gotta admit, Buffy; it would be quite a sight to behold.

S: I've got nothing against it.

B: You hush your mouth.

_(S shrugs)_

S: Just saying.

K: As if anybody needs your input.

S: Piss off, wannabe.

_(K scowls)_

K: I am not a goddamn wannabe! I'm a Slayer! Boom! Bam! End of story.

F: Yea, just never as good as the originals.

K: I was trying to defend your relationship, dumbass.

F: Pfft. I don't need your defense. B would know if I ever kissed Cordy, it wouldn't be while we were together.

C: Which is precisely why I'm waiting.

_(B sniffs)_

B: No need to wait, Cordy. It would only be pointless.

C: I guess that makes sense.

_(C turns to F)_

C: Faith, come here.

_(F shrugs)_

F: Okay.

_(B grabs F)_

B: Don't you dare!

_(F looks confused)_

F: What?

B: She's asking you to go over there so she can kiss you!

F: Ohh.

_(Pause)_

_(F grins)_

F: A little loving never hurt anyone, B.

S: Didn't do me much good.

F: Well you're a loser.

_(S rolls eyes and mumbles)_

S: As if you're any better.

_(F grins again and flicks S off)_

Me: Well now, next question! From Lupo...

_(drum roll)_

**"If the diary found (Malice) wasn't yours, then how, when, and why did you get your tribal tattoo?"**

_(W raises eyebrows)_

W: Sounds like you have a pretty big following, Faith.

_(B scowls)_

B: Like they're all stalking you.

AY: Wouldn't you?

B: What?

AY: It's not like they don't have eyes, Buffy. Really. I'd stalk Faith, too, if I was currently unattached.

S: I'd stalk her even if I was.

D: Creepy.

S: You did when you were younger, Nibblet.

D: I prefer to call it a hobby.

X: Now that's creepy.

_(D gets defensive)_

D: What? She has an air about her.

K: Why do these interviews always end up about Faith?

_(F sits back)_

F: Because I'm the shit, Ken. Get over it.

K: As if there's anything to get over.

AY: Her goodies.

_(Everyone stares at AY)_

G: Excuse me?

AG: Yea...excuse me?

AY: You're excused.

W: No really, though, what did you just say?

_(AY looks exasperated)_

AY: I said, "You're excused." Are you all deaf?

C: Before that.

AY: Her goodies?

S: Yea...that.

_(D puts face in hands)_

D: It's official. Therapy is desperately needed.

X: I didn't quite get that, An.

_(AY rolls eyes and crosses arms)_

AY: You are all just stupid. Kennedy claimed that there wasn't anything to get over, and I promptly stated that her goodies were something to get over. Both literally and figuratively. It's not all that hard to understand.

_(Cue crickets)_

K: You, are so fucking weird.

AY: I hear that's a compliment these days.

_(F chuckles)_

F: Man, I love you.

AY: I love you too, Faith.

_(Pause)_

AY: And I will always appreciate your goodies.

B: Will you stop mentioning them? They're mine!

AY: I believe they're Faith's, which is why I'm calling them **her** goodies. You should learn to realize that not everything is yours. Goodness.

AG: Coming from the possessive demoness.

AY: I just know what's mine and what is yet to be taken. But I **do** know, for a fact, that goodies are not really something you can take.

_(D laughs)_

D: I bet she knows that from experience.

AY: At least somebody understands.

_(Everyone gapes at AY)_

B: Yea. **Not** asking. **Don't** wanna know.

Me: The question, Faith?

F: Oh yea. Well, for the most part, it was true. I can't say that all of the story was untrue, only parts were fabricated. But that part; when the Father's mark was tattooed onto me, it was true.

_(Pause)_

F: Long story.

X: Gotcha.

Me: Well then let us move on to the doubles. Spike and Angel are first.

_(X sniggers)_

S: Watch your neck, Harris.

_(AG turns to S)_

AG: I never liked that guy.

F: Where have I heard **that** before?

Me: From xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"Ok, ok, we get it (or at least I do until further evidence) you're not gay, but what is your preference in a woman? (And in no circumstances can you say or describe Buffy... and Faith)"**

_(Silence)_

AG: I'm not sure I quite understand that question. My preference in a woman?

K: I know it's hard to answer, Mr. Fairy, but they want to know-

_(AG snarls)_

AG: I know what they want to know, but I don't understand what kind of preferences they're talking about.

X: Short, tall, thin, fat, blonde, brunette, redhead...etc. etc.

_(C rolls eyes)_

C: Can't we all just agree that it's Buffy and get it over with?

S: No. I'm not just into chicks like Buffy.

_(D giggles)_

D: You just said "chick".

S: What's so funny about that?

D: It's just weird hearing you say it.

_(S sighs)_

S: Bloody Americans. Can't accept when we don't conform; find it amusing when we do.

_(G nods understandingly)_

G: It's just the way they are. We must learn to live with it.

Everyone except S: Oh shut up, Giles.

_(G huffs)_

AG: I don't feel comfortable answering the question.

K: Yea, because all you like are blondes.

AG: Not true.

K: Whatever.

S: I believe it's more case by case basis.

AG: Exactly.

W: Oh, you two are no fun.

AG: Never claimed we were.

F: Angel, you gotta loosen up sometime. Seriously.

Me: Well since there are no answers, let's move on to our last question, which is for our favorite couple; Buffy and Faith!

C: **Your** favorite couple. Not mine.

K: Mine neither.

X: Can't say I can complain.

_(D smacks X)_

X: Ow!

D: Pervert.

W: He's a male, Dawnie. Learn to jive with it.

Me: From xXAngel of fireXx...

_(drum roll)_

**"Let's pretend for a moment that the world isn't full of demons and creature that go bump in the night. Do you think that you would've found each other anyway or not?"**

_(B & F look at each other for a moment)_

B: I think so. We're kind of perfect for each other.

F: In a kind of fucked up way, though.

_(B glares at F)_

F: ...but yea. Perfect. Right.

_(B smiles)_

S: Fucked up may be the perfect phrase for it, too.

_(B scowls)_

B: Don't make me stake you.

S: As if you would.

B: Oh I would.

AG: She stabbed me through the heart with a sword. Trust me, she will.

S: Who says you and I are alike, you boob?

D: Did you just call Angel a boob?

S: What of it?

AY: I don't understand. Angel isn't a-

W: It's an expression, Anya, Goddes!

_(AY huffs)_

AY: Well no need to get all witchy on me, Willow. I was only asking. You act like I've been doing this human thing for all my life.

_(W rolls eyes)_

W: I will never understand.

G: For God's sake, are we done yet?

Me: Yes, yes, we're all done now. You all can go home and get some rest.

K: Much needed rest.

Me: I'm thoroughly insulted, Kennedy.

K: Oh, not from you. Just from these crazy fuckers.

F: Speak for yourself.

K: I don't know what you're talking about, Faith. You're the craziest of them all.

_(F leaps)_

_(K lets out a war cry)_

_(F & K start wrestling)_

_(X nudges AY)_

X: An. Video camera.

_(AY whips camera out)_

AY: Already there.

Me: Well, have a good night, ladies and gents, I hope you enjoyed this episode! Please leave your reviews and questions at the bottom, and see you next time!

_(End theme)_


End file.
